The other day in an email, I wrote or at least implied that things are worse now than they were before.

I didn't mean to imply that.

Things are not worse. They're just different.

Incredibly different.

What used to be an unrelenting ache has been replaced by something else. By two different things, actually.

Palpable potential for incredible joy followed, almost inevitably, by nearly unbearable disappointment.

I got used to that old life. It took a while, but I eventually learned to accept it.

This new life? It will also take time for me to adjust.

I'm trying to be patient about this. I really am.

1. The phone rings. What's your ring tone?
Depends on who's calling. Either the phone sound from the show 24 or a Homer Simpson WooHoo.

2. If you HAD to kiss the last person you kissed, would you?
Absolutely.

3. Has your life been going the way you want it to lately?
Things are turning back to the better, but I'm not taking full advantage.

5. Does the person you like know that you like them?
Either that or she's stupid.

6. What's the first thing you notice about the opposite sex?
This question keeps coming up. Eyes, general shape, lips.

7. Where are you right now?
Lost somewhere in thought.

8. Did you go anywhere today?
To work.

9. When was the last time you cried?
Me strong man. Me no cry.

11. Ever liked someone who treated you like crap?
I usually stop liking them when they start treating me like crap.

12. Where's the last place you walked to?
Besides just to and from the car, yesterday I walked from work to The Pub to see BikerGirl.

13. Last time you had a sleepover?
The last time I stayed at WeirdGirl's house. It's been a while.

15. Who made you smile today?
Nobody yet.

17. What is the last thing you said out loud?
"No, Evangeline Lilly, I will not have sex with you right now. I'll call you after work."

18. Who's the 1st person on your missed calls list?
My phone got totally reset the other day. So my missed calls list is empty. Before that, I think it was Dina.

19. Who was the last text message you received from?
MusicalYuppieDude, wondering if I was alive.

20. plans for tomorrow?
After work, I hope to just stay home.

21. story behind your myspace song?
I like that song. David Gray is one of my favorites.

22. Whats bothering you right now?
A million things, most of which are irrelevant. And one relevant thing which I'm trying to be more patient about.

23. Where do you live?
In my house.

24. Wallet?
No thanks, I already have one.

25. Where was your default picture taken?
This varies. At JournalSpace, it's a picture of me with a beer bottle when I was a baby. I used to have that same picture at MySpace, but I got yelled at, so I made a new picture at some Simpsons site. At barenada.com it's just a picture of my eyes.

26. Eyes:
Two blue ones.

WHAT ARE YOU:

Doing this weekend?
I really should just stay home.

Wearing?
Work clothes. Tan Dockers and a blue shirt.

Wanting?
Progress would be nice, but I'd also accept closure.

Listening to?
Nothing.

Something you're afraid of?
I'm pretty sure that I'd be afraid of sharks and jellyfish if I ever went in the ocean.

Eating?
Nothing. I'll probably have some cereal when I get home.

Do you believe in soul mates?
Yes.

Do you remember your dreams?
Usually I do. Especially the vivid ones.

Do you speak another language other than English?
I can manage some conversational Spanish.

What's something you wish you could understand better?
Women.

What did you do last weekend?
Had a really shitty weekend and probably alienated everyone who saw me.

Have you ever been in a beauty pageant?
No.

Who were the last people you went out to lunch with?
BikerGirl. Or maybe NotHideousGirl. I don't remember for sure.

The most annoying sound in the world?
When my cats Buddy and Nugget get into a fight, their wails cut right through my skull. Also, my alarm clock.

Last person you hugged?
Probably NotHideousGirl.

Who do you hate right now?
The person I used to be.

Well, that didn't work very well. Not that I really expected it to, but I'd have taken it anyway. It would have been a nice surprise, if it had worked.

---

All of the chickens are dead. I'm not really sure, exactly, what happened to them, but if I had to guess I'd say that they starved to death.

Who knew you had to feed even imaginary chickens?

---

This most recent incarnation of my mood, it's certainly my fault. I expected the impossible. I dared to have hope, of all things. You'd think I would have learned by now.

---

I had a dream last night, during one of my two-hour naps. I don't remember many of the details of the dream, and I don't even remember the exact words spoken, but I do remember the gist.

"What is it that you want with me?" she asked, her voice managing to convey both fear and hope.

"My wants vary widely," I answered. "But right now, I want to use my tongue on you, until you're nothing more than a quivering puddle sprawled atop your bed. I want to make your body vibrate with the anticipation of ecstasy, so that my most gentle kiss, the lightest graze of my fingers, even the softest sound of my whispered voice, sets you off all over again. I want to melt you."

"That sounds fun," she said. "Do that, please."

I don't know if this, right here, is going to work.

I've got about five minutes worth of beer left in my glass. I have to pee really badly. But I thought I'd give this entry a shot anyway.

What's the worst that could happen?

That I'd write a shit entry?

I do that anyway.

Anyway, I've been kicking myself in the ass lately because I felt that I'd been fooled. That I'd been just incredibly wrong about something. Someone. Whatever.

But the thought just entered my head, or the thought just rose to my consciousness, that maybe I wasn't wrong at all. Maybe I wasn't fooled at all.

Maybe, just maybe.

Because see, people do change. I know this for an absolute fact. I know this from personal experience. People can change. Become a new person.

But, and this is the kicker, not always a better person.

Sometimes, sometimes they change into someone worse. Someone cruel and insensitive, perhaps.

I think that it would be cool, if I found that I hadn't been stupid all this time. It would still suck that I'd lost a friend, but at least I wouldn't feel stupid. About this.

Damn, I've really got to pee now.

I suppose it's pretty funny, if I think about it. As long as I don't think about for too long, or with too much intensity.

So about a half a second and with passing interest is about right. Any more is fraught with peril.

It's like I was given the keys to my very own time machine. I eagerly jumped in and slammed the lever to the past, as far as it would go. Reality shifted all around me, and *whoosh* back I went.

95,551,200 seconds. That was its limit. What a cheap piece of shit time machine. No wonder it was free.

Fuck!

There I go again. Thinking about it with too much intensity. I hate it when I do that.

Anyway.

I remember being here before. Almost drowning. The pressure. The cold. The almost overwhelming desire to just breathe in these depths and get it all over with. But I also remember that I managed to save myself. I remember how I did it. My feet unexpectedly touched bottom, and I instinctively jumped. Each and every time that I sank so far that I nearly gave up, so far that I would have surely and gladly died, each and every time I instead felt the ground beneath my feet, and I jumped with all my might.

And, eventually, I breathed safely, and I made my way to a paradise of sorts.

Now, suddenly, I find myself back here. Struggling. Drowning again. Pretty funny, like I said.

The water seems deeper, this time. That's probably just my imagination.

But the drowning, that's not all that's funny. Or even most of what's funny.

The really funny part is that far is now near, and near is now far.

It's fucking hilarious, actually. As long as I don't think about it for too long, or with too much intensity. And as long as I don't think about how the surface might be frozen over, so that my jumps might be in vain.

Happy Birthday to my youngest sister, Neisha!

The world may be fooled into believing whatever you choose to tell them. Hell, the world is already fooled by your pretty face and your sweet voice.

But I won't be fooled. Not anymore.

Tell the world whatever you want. Bask in your false glory and revel in your unearned adoration.

You know the truth. And now, you know that I know the truth.

There are four fucking lights, bitch.

Not am wasted.

Not even was wasted.

Have wasted.

Feel free to imagine the duration of your choice. All are correct.

---

Last night, I thought that maybe, just maybe, there was a chance that this (imagine duration of your choice) could be salvaged. All I needed was a teeny tiny bit of help. And I got shit, as usual.

Tonight, it's too late.

Wasted.

It would do me absolutely no good at all, to know exactly when, exactly what, triggered our derailment. It's not like I could do anything about it, what with it being in the past and all.

But I still wonder. A lot. More, I'm sure, than is healthy for me.

What/where/when/why did things go so awry between us? What it truly my fault, as I've always assumed? Or was it merely the result of a misinterpretation or an exaggeration of something I did or said or wrote?

It was so fucking sudden. Everything was fine and dandy. Then, a second later, everything was fucked-up. And I suddenly didn't even know her anymore. And suddenly I wasn't sure that I wanted to know her anymore.

I honestly don't know where we stand these days, in regard to each other. Outside? Inside? On the line? What line?

What fucking line?

I guess I think that, if I knew for sure what had caused this, then maybe I'd know that thing which is more important than anything else.

Maybe I'd know if it was fixable.

But, I don't know shit. I only suspect shit.

And I suspect that things are irreparable.

And I wish I knew why.