So why do I keep spouting the same drivel over and over, even long after it's become perfectly clear that it does more harm than good?

Because it feels right in my head. Because it fits onto my heart like a glove fits onto my hand. Because it belongs.

Because one night I leaned against a railing, and I looked at her as she sat and cried on this little wall...

and I broke through the clouds, and I saw how far I was going to fall. And I knew, right then and right there that my life would never be the same again.

That's why I keep writing crap like this.

Because I was right. Everything changed then.

Anyway.

My next stop, after Buffalo Wild Wings, wasn't the BBC after all. It was the Haunted Highland Tap Room. I had a couple Newcastles (4682) and had a little séance. Funny, we only came here once, but this place seems as haunted as any other. Maybe even more than Rich O's, because there are fewer memories competing for attention.

Next, I went over to The Pub. Actually I went to Hard Rock first, but CoolHairGirl wasn't working, so I went to The Pub and had yet another Newcastle (4702) and talked to BikerGirl for a while.

My sister Dina called to see if I was going to Rich O's later. I hadn't really made any plans to go there, but I told her that I'd meet her in about an hour. I invited BikerGirl to come to Rich O's when she got off work at 8:00. I wrote down directions for her, just in case. I think going to Indiana was about tenth on her list of possibilities for the evening.

But at least she didn't laugh when I invited her. So that was cool.

Got to Rich O's a little after 7:00. I sat at the kiddie table with Dina and had another Diet Coke. Her husband Kenny came in after a while. BadPickleGirl came in with some dude, but I think it was just a coincidence that they came in. Unless she's stalking me.

Eventually, I had a bottle of yummy Weihenstephaner Hefeweissbier (1805). Once everyone else had left, I waited until about 9:30 to see if BikerGirl was going to show up.

Then, some fucked-up shit happened.

Then, I stopped at White Castle on the way home.

Yesterday I was all excited to take a trip somewhere. Or maybe not excited exactly. But at least not ambivalent. And that's pretty good for me lately.

I was going to go to either Indianapolis or Nashville. I was going to drink some good beer, eat a good meal or two. Spend the night in a hotel, then come back this afternoon all refreshed.

But nooooooooooo!

About ten seconds before I walked out the door, I remembered that I had to work this morning.

So my trip was cancelled before it started. I decided to play tourist right here close to home.

My first stop was this Buffalo Wild Wings place in Louisville. I'd been craving their naked tenders and spicy garlic sauce since I'd first discovered that combination in Indianapolis a few weeks ago. There are, as it turns out, several million of these places in Louisville. I picked the one closest to the BBC because I thought that I might go there next.

I had a heterosexual Blue Moon (490) and six naked tenders with spicy garlic sauce. I also tried the parmesan sauce. It was all very yummy.

During this time, I also traded a couple of emails with RockGirl. Told her about my aborted trip. She said that she sometimes envied my ability to just up and take off. I replied with this lump of drivel:

Don't envy my travels too much. It's really nothing more than running around in circles, arms flailing, trying to escape this existence.

Some people may wonder why I continue to write crap like that. Why I don't just shut the fuck up already. I suppose, to some people, I might seem to have a pretty decent life. I make pretty good money doing something I mostly enjoy. I shoot a good game of pool, and I get a lot of pleasure from playing. I'm at times surrounded by beautiful women who actually like me, as long as I don't get any ideas. I can strike up a conversation with just about anyone and end up with a new friend.

So what if it's all superficial?

So what if I end up dying alone and unloved?

There are some who would argue that I deserve that particular fate.

Friday seemed like a waste to me. It was a night of going through the motions of being a person.

I got to Rich O's a little before 8:00. The place was full of strangers and/or weirdoes. I sat at the kiddie table and had a couple pints of Smithwick's (1614) while I waited for something to happen. Nothing in particular, just anything at all.

Well, nothing ever did happen, so I went over to that stupid Mac's place to see MisunderstoodGirl and listen to karaoke.

That place was pretty packed. At least the bar was. There were a lot of empty tables. I sat at the far end of the bar and vegged out for a while. I talked to MisunderstoodGirl for a bit before she had to start getting the karaoke stuff set up. She was wearing a Jamaican wig. It was pretty cool.

I ended up having a couple glasses of Newcastle (4650) and talking with two bombshells who'd come in and sat next to me. They're semi-regulars at Rich O's, but I don't think they recognized me. Imagine that. I bought them a round of beers, they bought me a beer. It was pleasant, but I was still just phoning it all in.

Once the Bombshells left, I got bored. I switched to Diet Coke and waited for NotHideousGirl to show up. I called her at one point to make sure that she was still coming. She was, so I waited around.

But by the time she showed up my boredom had reached epic proportions, so I left. I was going to go over to meet WeirdGirl at this new Rock Bar place, but then I remembered that (a) I'd broken up with WeirdGirl and (b) for a reason, (c) even if it was a stupid reason, and (d) I still can't afford to develop feelings for WeirdGirl.

So I went instead to this Jack's bar next to Rich O's and had half a PBR (42) before coming home.

I've thought about it, and I've decided that it's bullshit.

That I don't deserve it.

That I don't like it, and that I shouldn't have to like it.

That I have every right to be irritated.

That it doesn't have to make sense, even to me.

That I'm too fucking nice.

That there's probably a proverb that covers this situation, but I can't think of it right now, because I've been drinking.

That I should have just stayed home tonight.

That it's a pretty clever title, but that I probably should have saved it for a longer entry.

Got in the elevator today, after lunch. Heading back up to my luxurious penthouse cubicle.

The elevator was empty. Except for me.

So imagine my surprise when a voice spoke to me.

"Hello?" The voice asked.

That was weird, I couldn't help but notice.

"Um, hello to you as well," I answered. To the empty elevator.

"Hello, can you hear me?" the voice asked.

"I can hear you," I answered.

"Is this God?" I had to ask.

If the voice had answered yes, I realized with alarm, I was going to have a lot of explaining to do. But I also vowed to ask some rather pointed questions myself.

"No," The voice said. "This is Mr. Smith from XYZ Corporation. Who is this?"

"I'm Dave of course," I told the voice. "Are you invisible? How'd you do that?"

"I'm looking for Ms. Jones from ABC Corporation," the voice, er, Mr Smith answered.

Turns out that it was the emergency phone in the elevator. This Mr. Smith guy had called my company's main operator, and been accidentally transferred to the elevator in my building.

Mr. Smith and I had a nice laugh over the situation.

But now I can't help but wonder. If it had been God, or some invisible man, then wouldn't that whole Mr. Smith on the elevator phone thing, wouldn't that have been the perfect cover-up?

So, just in case, no more picking my nose in the elevator.

More tidbits, because I'm feeling lazy.

---

WeirdGirl finally came back from her trip. She said that I should have gone with her. Well, duh, I already knew that.

---

There are a couple of new bars opening at Louisville's Fourth Street Live this weekend. I'll have to check them out.

---

The only smoked beer that Rich O's currently has is Stone Smoked Porter. They're out of everything else. This sucks, because the Stone just isn't all that great compared to what's missing.

---

I have a hard time imagining her at all these days, but all I have to do it sit down at Rich O's and her ghost plops down beside me. It's a magic place.

---

I wonder if RockGirl is concerned that I'm jealous. Well, I'm really not. Really. She probably already knows that.

---

Tomorrow is a jeans day at work, plus it's a half-day for me. I can't decide which I'm the most excited about. Probably the half-day.

---

Today I texted something silly to HatGirl, and she texted back that she'd email me "later."

So now I can never ever sleep until I get that email.

It's nice to have a purpose in life though.

---

Women are weird.

---

I'm actually working right now. Installing six Solaris zones to get ready for some stuff I have scheduled for tomorrow.

---

It's supposed to maybe storm tonight. There's a tornado watch. I'm excited. I like to sit out on my swing and watch the storms roll in.

---

I should eat something.

Yes, I know it's not Monday. But that song has been stuck in my head for an hour for some reason.

---

Close, but no cigar.

As they say.

I think I need a pause button. Because everything was good for a few seconds, but I knew that it wouldn't last, and I was right.

A pause button would have been a handy thing to have. And a mute button would have been cool, too.

---

Lunch was nice. NotHideousGirl surprised me by showing up. I'd figured she was still sick. WeirdGirl was nowhere to be seen though. Neither was that one chick I went all gah-gah over on Monday.

---

I had fun at work today. I solved a couple of mysteries.

---

After work I went to Rich O's and talked to some dude from PA. His first time at Rich O's. I tried to be a good ambassador.

Also, something strange was going on there with the regulars and the bartenders. Like they all know something that I don't know. Something bad, I imagine.

---

I think I'm sort of taking advantage of a couple of people. One as a distraction from the cruelties of life, the other as a reminder of those same cruelties. Both are much more than that, and I feel a little bad for using them this way.

---

Remember that thing? That thing which, if I'd done, NotHideousGirl would have beaten the shit out of me? Well, I guess Calculon did do that very thing, and he didn't even get smacked. Kind of puts me in my place, doesn't it?

---

I got to see Kelly Clarkson on my TV tonight! Yay!

---

Next week two of my cats are getting shaved. The matted hair has become ridiculous, and my sisters have volunteered to take them to the groomer.

---

NotHideousGirl needs to work on her French accent. Because a Scottish accent makes me think of Willy from The Simpsons. Not sexy.

---

We've recently had a bunch of people from Mexico around work. I've met a few of them. They're all so damn nice! I hope they don't get corrupted too badly.

---

Oh, shit! I almost forgot. I almost died this morning. There was a wreck right beside me on the expressway. I'm still not sure how I managed to keep from being involved. A car cut in front of a truck, and the car got knocked right at me. When I saw the car, it was within a foot of hitting me. So I jerk the steering week and went onto the shoulder. I don't know how that car missed me. A couple of hours later my heartbeat returned to normal.

---

A little nagging part of my brain keeps telling me that I should call her. But I won't, because nothing has really changed.

---

Man, it's late. I should sleep.

It's weird to me that I can get so much joy from the tiniest things.

And so much disappointment when those same tiny things are missing.

Am I a man, or a fucking willow branch?

I like it though. I take the joy when I can get it, and I live with the disappointment when I have to.

I think I've already written this entry that's in my head. Something about one of those metronome thingies, swaying back and forth. Or maybe an old-fashioned scale, like the justice statues hold.

So I'll stop now.

Anyway, I hope that the joy will come back. I miss her it.

I liked to imagine, every now and then, that things weren't as far gone as they seemed to be. I liked to pretend that, anytime I wanted, I could just turn around and there they'd be. All those emotions, walking along behind me at a respectful distance. Waiting and hoping for me to stop, and turn, and beckon them back. To my side, where they belonged.

Well, today I turned around. Whether out of boredom or curiosity or desperation, I don't know. But I turned around, and behind me there was nothing. Just this same old gray plain.

So, that was a stupid thing to do. Because now I know that which I'd only suspected before.

I'm on my own now.

Unless, they're just playing a trick on me. Unless they've snuck up ahead, and are even now lying in wait. Ready to pounce out at me when I least expect it. When I most need it.

I think that would be nice. I don't like it here by myself.

I tell you what, if they did that, I'd never turn my back on them again.

A thought just jumped into my head. An old thought that I never turned into a blog entry, because it was stupid.

A > B+C+D+E+F+G+H+I+J+K+L+M+N+O+P+Q+R+S+T+U+V+W+X+Y+Z

Maybe a little cryptic, but my readers are, by definition almost, smart people. So okay, smart people, I have a question.

What happens when A equals 0?