Tonight RealTrainGirl and I went back to The Cumberland Brewpub in Louisville. I'd been wanting some more of their porter, and she was looking for something to do on her night off. Rich O's was out of the question, so to Louisville we went.

We ended up having a couple of the Nitro Porters each while I attempted to explain what's been going through my head lately. I'm pretty sure that I failed, but I did manage to get the main point across. I hope.

When we were nearly done with our second beers, the waitress brought us a couple bowls of ice cream that had been made with the porter. At first I thought the waitress was flirting with me, but after a bit I decided that she was actually flirting with RealTrainGirl. Oh well.

Anyway, the vanilla version of the ice cream tasted like - get this - vanilla ice cream. Just like you'd find at any grocery store. I tried pouring some of my beer over it, and that made it taste better.

The chocolate version of the ice cream was quite yummy. The porter flavor was very apparent.

Next we went to this place called Flanagan's where we both had just one beer:

Beamish Irish Stout (16)

(can) Nice and creamy, though that could have been because of the widget. Compared to Guinness, a little sweeter, with a subtle chocolate flavor instead of coffee. I liked it, and would probably like it more if I could ever find it on tap.

That was it. We had a nice relaxing evening. Much better than if I'd just sat at home feeling sorry for myself.

I guess that's it.

I very nearly stayed home all night last night.

I wanted to go have a beer, but going to the dentist messed up my jaw. I was just in terrible pain, and could hardly move my mouth at all. That'll teach me to get a cavity in a back tooth. It's just too hard for the dentist to reach back there without nearly breaking my jaw to do it.

So by the time the Novocain wore off my tooth wasn't hurting at all, but my jaw was just killing me. I still wanted to go out, but first I had to eat something. I nuked some cheese bread and somehow managed to get it down by taking small bites and only using the right side of my mouth. It was still excruciating though.

I got to Rich O's a little bit before 10:00 and grabbed a seat in the living room area next to some people I don't know.

To drink, I had myself a Baltika "6" Porter. I cannot stress enough how much I like this beer. I may just marry it.

The people in the living room area kept trying to suck me into their conversation. I was in no mood for it, so I moved to the bar and began trying to decide what my next beer would be. I was leaning toward another Baltika but something even stronger might have helped ease the pain in my jaw, so I was considering some Belgians.

What was left of me didn't even think. I got the hell out of there as quickly as I could.

Some people are just good. Some people will always be there for you when you need them. No matter how much pain you've caused them in the past. No matter how much pain you promise for the future. When you need them, they come through for you , no questions asked, and no expectations.

I'm not one of those people. I wish I was, and I'm closer to it than most people I know, but I'm not one of them.

Last night, when I left Rich O's, I went to see one of these good people.

I didn't have to say a word. MixedSignalGirl could see it in my face. She knew that I wouldn't just show up like that unannounced. She knew what had happened, and she pulled me to her.

Driving home this morning, I found myself wondering just what we'd done to deserve each other.

I must have done something really wonderful.

She must have done something terrible.

I will never understand what she sees in me. I will never be able to give her what she deserves. But I will also never forget last night, and I will be her friend for as long as she'll let me.

Well here it is. Friday again.

Another weekend staring me in the face. Challenging me to do something.

I'm a little hesitant. I'm in this mood after all. No longer a bad mood but not quite a good one either. I guess you could call me content. But I'm sure this is only temporary. I think I could tip in either direction, and I'm not sure that I want to.

If I become depressed or sad, that'll be yet another setback in a seemingly endless stream of setbacks.

If I develop an actual good mood then I'm afraid that my face will crack and fall apart from the smiling, and that would probably gross everybody out.

I kind of want to go over to Fourth Street Live tonight. Eat some dinner, drink some Young's Double Chocolate Stout at The Pub. That could be fun.

We'll see. I have a dentist appointment this afternoon and sometimes it takes hours and hours for the numbness in my mouth to go away. No sense eating a good meal and drinking good beer if I can't taste any of it.

I have something to tell you, and I'd like you to hear me out before you say or do anything drastic.

There's another woman.

Actually, there are a bunch of other women. And there are some men. And there are even some kids and some old people.

I've been cheating on you. I've been 'blogging elsewhere.

It started this past Monday. I logged onto my JS account and, over the course of the next 24 hours, I imported nearly all of my 'blog entries into my JS 'blog.

There are several reasons that I did this. I wrote about a couple of them over there, on the other 'blog:

Well I guess I've imported everything I'm going to.

Anyone that wants anything older than last June will have to go to my main site. But, and trust me on this, it's all quite boring before last June. Some would say it's still quite boring.

So, why did I just spend 24 hours importing a year's worth of entries into JS?

I'm so glad that you asked.

A few days ago I had my 1000th viewing here. I'm sure that about 999 of these were accessed via the Random Journal link on the main page. Whatever, 1000 times someone had come to my JS journal and saw absolutely nothing (what Stevie called a Phantom Journal). About 100 of those times whoever it was would bother to click the My Personal Site link and go read my actual 'blog.

That means that over 90% of JSers were missing out on my brilliance. Or my stupidity. Or whatever.

So the main reason I decided to import all these old entries, and to continue to keep my JS 'blog in sync with my real 'blog, is to simply get some more readers. I'm kind of a whore that way. I started writing this stuff for very personal reasons, but I'm not ashamed to admit that I continue to do it because I want actual people to read what I write. In other words, if I'm going to vomit bullshit, I want to get it on as many people as I can.

The second reason is that this JS community has always intrigued me. People that only know each other through their writings, yet seem to become friends (or even enemies) through those writings and the comment conversations they engender. I just think it's neat, and I guess I'm hoping to become a part of that someday.

So that's why I did this. My plan is to keep updating my real 'blog just like I always have, and to duplicate everything but the most boring entries to JS.

Awkward ending to entry.

The JS 'blog is viewable by JS members only, but if you are a member, or if you want to sign up, you can check out barenada.journalspace.com. Comments are enabled over there - it's one of the main reasons I'm doing this.

Just a quick update on my vacation/long weekend planning.

A few weeks ago I asked for suggestions, and I've received several. Thanks!

Labor Day is fast approaching, and I get a four-day weekend, so I'd really like to get away from home for a while. Since it's still baseball season, I limited my immediate search to those cities with professional teams.

Detroit Tigers are away next weekend. Ditto for Cleveland Indians, St. Louis Cardinals, and Cincinnati Reds.

Cubs and Brewers are both home next weekend though, so the Chicago/Milwaukee area just might work. I didn't get to make it to Wrigley when I was in Chicago recently, and I've never been to Wisconsin at all.

So I may, just may, drive up there next Friday. It's going to be a little tough financially. We'll see. It may turn out that I just drive to St. Louis and do some non-baseball tourist stuff. Or I may puss out and stay home.

And I've already decided that, next Spring, I'm going to pick a weekend that both the Orioles and the Nationals are at home and spend three or four days in that area.

For this Winter, Detroit/Ann Arbor/Kalamazoo are still very much on my short list, as is Cleveland and New York.

(I just remembered that there's this "Brew at the Zoo" thingy next weekend at The Louisville Zoo. I missed it last year because I had to go to this party that same night. This year I really want to go, so I guess I won't be travelling to any other cities.)

Last Fall I wrote this entry. I quote part of it here:

Shock, sadness, relief, anger, disappointment, curiosity, blame, determination, grief, fear, speculation, impatience, regret, doubt, depression, wonder, pessimism, optimism, nervousness, callousness, understanding, drama, accusation, resignation...

I could go on and on. At night, instead of allowing me to sleep, my mind takes these and countless other thoughts and creates elaborate storylines that branch madly, twisting and weaving, joining and separating, spreading and collapsing. None ever finish. None ever get wrapped up in the end. I resolve nothing then finally I sleep out of sheer exhaustion.

My mind is trying desperately to find something to latch onto. Something to think about. Something to care about. Something to occupy it and pull it from this void.

A million times a minute, it seems, I'll pick up a thought, then dismiss it as irrelevant. Discard it as bullshit.

For so long I tried so hard to get my mind to shut down for just a little while and give me some peace and quiet. Now it's too damn quiet and it's driving me crazy. The silence is deafening.

I think that even sadness would be a welcome diversion from this, this nothing that's enveloped me. Reminds me of another entry:

There is...Nothing.

Blackness and silence surround him, seep into him.

He wonders how long it has been. A minute? A day? A million years?

Even the familiar thump thump of his heart has stopped. He ponders this, and reaches his hand to his chest, but he finds that he has no hand, and that he has no chest.

He simply exists, seeing, hearing, feeling nothing.

He waits for something to happen, and wonders if he is dead.

(response to messages)

I can't believe you said that.

Yes, I said it. Yes, I dropped my pants a little.

Nobody was surprised that I felt it, just that I actually blurted it out.

I don't think I care. I'd been beating around the bush since April, and it just became pointless.

I really wanted to write something good tonight. To change the subject a little. But I've got nothing, so I'll just stand here with my pants down for a while longer.

This week the band picked the songs for each performer.

Jordis: Hauntingly good. I hope she loses so the band doesn't become an anchor for her. (90 points)

Jessica: Love the song. Love the voice. Wow, that was fucking awesome. (95 points)

Ty: He just didn't impress me this week. Not at all. (70 points)

Suzie: Decent, if passionless, performance. (80 points)

Marty: Poor Marty, having to sing a Britney Spears song. He did the best he could with it I suppose. (60 points)

Deanna: Tough song. Missed a couple of notes pretty badly. Just decent otherwise. (65 points)

JD: Seemed really constipated. It was a really unsettling performance to watch and listen to. (55 points)

Mig: Good song. The performance fluctuated quite a bit, but everyone else seemed to like it. (75 points)

Slept all night last night, so I'm caught up for the first time in a long time. Odd to actually be alert in the morning.

Today I'm having a bunch of dirt delivered so I can try to do something about this damn hole in my back yard. This thing has so far eluded every attempt to fill it. It's becoming hourglassed so filling it isn't as easy as just dumping dirt in. If I knew for sure just how deep this old cistern was I'd be tempted to just drive my truck over the area a few times to cave it in. I guess it's good that I don't drink at home.

Wow, this was an exciting entry.

Maybe I'll spice it up a bit...with pictures!!!

This is the hole. Doesn't look like much but it opens up very quickly and may go all the way to Hell.

Here's the dirt I bought to hopefully fill the hole. I half-expect that I'll be ordering more dirt.

Something has happened.

I'm not really sure why it happened, but I do know when. It happened yesterday evening while I was at Rich O's listening to yet another asshole badmouth someone who wasn't there to defend herself.

Instead of becoming angry, as I have recently, this time I just listened. A bunch of shitheads that I hardly know at all making fun of someone who's more wonderful than all of them put together.

How, I found myself wondering, could the entire world be so wrong about her? How come I, and a few of our mutual friends, are the only ones able to see beyond the actions of the past, beyond the quirky and misunderstood exterior, and see what's really there, what's really important?

So I was thinking about how wrong the world was, and something happened.

Something inside me shifted gears. Something inside me switched itself off. Something inside me fell out of love and went back to simply missing a friend.

I know, and anyone who's read anything here in the past year knows, that my moods are ever-changing. Nothing lasts forever, and in my case, nothing seems to last for more than a few days at the most. I expect my mood to change again before too much time has passed.

But for now, but for now at least, I'm a normal person. No longer a person that fears that he's met, and lost, the love of his life. Just a person that's lost a friend.

Every feeling I've tried so hard to suppress is dormant. All that remains is kindness. Affection. Fondness. That annoying habit I'd developed of objectifying her? Gone. Those countless hours spent agonizing over past indecision? No longer needed. The drifting I've been doing for weeks? I'm grounded now.

I'm just a guy that misses his friend, and nothing more. All is as it should be.

At least for now. Who knows what tomorrow will bring?