First, some snippets from a February entry:

It changes a man, to see a beautiful face distorted by pain. To see it over and over and over and over and over. To stand helpless and watch the tears flow.

To watch a wonderful soul harden, and to feel your own soul harden with it. Not from pity or compassion or even love, but simply because your souls are irrevocably bound.

I failed her so badly. I failed myself so badly.

And my punishment for that failure is severe, but I deserve so much worse.

It's Sunday. I should write something. Not because it's Sunday, but because I haven't written anything since Friday.

What to write what to write what to write?

I don't even know. I get these little snippets of ideas every now and then, but they hardly ever turn into entries. Usually because they're too stupid.

Like today, I had this thought that the formula for my life had been proven false, and so I was searching for a new formula.

Barf, right?

Even I can do better than that.

So I don't know what to write. In a little while I'm going to eat and then I'm going to Jack's. Maybe after I get a couple beers in me I'll have an idea.

You either do it or not. There is no try. It's either there or it's not.

It's never off in the distance somewhere, so you can see it coming. Nobody ever says, "I don't trust you right now, but next Tuesday should be great."

Trying to trust is like trying to fly. No matter how fast you flap your arms, you're not going anywhere. And you look like an idiot.

It's one of the easiest things to lose, and one of the toughest things to get back.

Sometimes trust can be regained, but it will do so in its own sweet time. Don't bother trying to rush it, you'll only make things worse. Same thing with trying to use guilt.

It can't be reasoned into existence, either, because it's a heart thing, not a brain thing.

Oh, and everything I said about trust also counts for forgiveness.

What is on your desktop wallpaper?
It's a picture of the beach at sunset. It's nice.

What is your favorite zoo animal?
I like the big cats.

What was your favorite toy as a child?
We couldn't afford toys. I had a stick that I was quite fond of, though.

What food do you eat too much of?
Pizza.

What kind of hairstyle do you have?
A boring one. I get out of the shower and shake.

What was your favorite activity in gym class?
Volleyball.

What is on the shirt you are wearing right now?
A stripe.

What is the picture nearest to you of?
HatGirl.

What kind of salad dressing do you like?
Italian.

Whats your least favorite food?
Beets. What are those things, anyway?

What do you do on a Sunday night?
Lately I've been having dinner then going to Jack's. Sometimes Becky comes to Jack's and we drink and talk and stuff.

If you could only use one condiment on your food for the rest of your life, what would it be?
Does salt count? If salt doesn't count, then why not?

What color are your sheets?
White with green stripes in the guest bedroom, gray with dark gray stripes in the main bedroom.

How big is your computer display?
It's a 22-inch widescreen. I like it.

What pair of shoes do you wear most often?
My sneakers that I just bought.

What is your favorite game?
Pool. Duh.

What is your favorite Thanksgiving food?
Turkey without mayo.

What is your favorite pizza topping?
Cheese.

What time do you plan on waking up tomorrow?
6:40 AM.

What is your favorite day of the year?
I guess my birthday. Or maybe HatGirl's birthday.

Tonight I took this survey on facebook. I should do a vlog about this. Maybe I still will.

Have you ever had a person close to your heart lie to you?
Yes. It sucks.

Do you think you take responsiblity for your part in problems that arise in relationships?
Often I think that I take too much responsibility.

Do you blame others for the whole mess?
Only when it's their fault.

Is there really a such thing as NORMAL?
I hope not. That would be really boring, I think.

What is the definition of Love? (besides 1 corinthians)
(This was straight out of my blog) I think that love just might be when every possible type of attraction exists at the same time for the same person. That's why it seems so damn overwhelming and confusing.

Have you ever made an extreme decision without support from anyone?
Yes, if doing otherwise would have gone against who I am as a person.

Do you believe in repeat patterns in family, life, and relationships?
Not sure what you mean.

How do you know if your crazy or sane?
I have a good idea.

How much of who you are today was brought on by how you were raised and the circumstances surrounding you?
The circumstances surrounding me made me the way I am.

Have you ever tried to do something good and right only to have hate thrown back at you?
It's been happening a lot recently.

Have you ever had to make a decision that would change everything? If so what was it?
I didn't answer this on facebook, but it's probably okay to answer it here. One time I decided to tell the love of my life that she was the love of my life. It was supposed to change everything, but it ended up not changing shit.

Have you ever lied to your best friend or significant other?
Not for at least a decade.

Have you ever felt completely and totally alone?
Yes.

Have you ever argued with God?
I don't think so. I've had some cross words with Him, though.

Do you believe that love can grow slowly, or do you believe it happens imediately?
I think there's room for both kinds. I have experienced both kinds.

Have you ever felt like you ruined someones life?
I've felt that way at times. Fortunately, I was wrong.

Do you understand yourself, and how others percieve you?
I understand myself fairly well. I have no clue what other people think about me.

Over the last several months, it has come to my attention numerous times, that I should have accepted the fucking offer.

Heh, the fucking offer. That's some funny shit, right there.

But, I didn't. Then, I didn't again. And, finally, I didn't again.

I think that's the correct count of the times I started out being a good guy and ended up being a dumbass.

And, after each episode of retardation, I resolved that the next time it would happen, and then I'd be able to deal with the consequences easier because I'd be wearing a big goofy grin on my face.

But, it never did happen. This was never about that, though. Not for me. There were bigger fish to fry and all that.

But, I ask myself over and over and over and over and over, since when did my desires matter?

Yep, I definitely should have accepted the fucking offer. Every time it was made.

It would have been good.

And now that my entire life has been reduced to nothing more than a series of memories, it would be cool to have those particular memories in my head.

Man, I was such a dumbass. A good guy, but a dumbass nonetheless.

I wonder what I would write, if I were to write anything relevant.

I dunno.

First thing I'd need to do, before I let myself get anywhere near my computer, would be to figure out exactly why I was writing in the first place. I mean, would it be something that I needed to write, lest the pressure of not writing explode me. or would it just me something that I wanted to write, in which case who the fuck cares what I want?

I can resist the latter urge. I usually resist it, anyway. But I'm not so sure about the former stuff. I don't have much success with suppressing my needs, unless you count when I bury them in metaphors and such.

I'm bored right now, in case you didn't guess that already.

Okay, now I'm not only reposting entries from years ago, now I'm reposting an entry from fucking July. And it was a repost to begin with.

This is what's become of me.

Anyway, I like this entry, and the one contained therein. And I was thinking about this stuff tonight, so there.

---

It's just a brief downward flicker, most of the time. A few inches. But enough for me to notice, and enough for her to notice, should she happen to be looking. So far, I think I've caught it in time. Caught myself in time.

Eyes to lips. Just a few inches of smooth skin, down a cheek, along the ridge of a nose. Physically, that distance is very small, but emotionally, it's vast.

Eyes may welcome and engage, but lips, they beckon.

---

Speaking of lips, I like this old entry from 2007:

I'm not really sure which was the first. I've got it narrowed down to two girls, two occasions, but the passage of time has blurred my memory to the point where I can no longer be certain about the order of things. Like, I'm pretty sure that I kissed both those girls after that comet killed all the dinosaurs, but I wouldn't want to bet anything substantial on it.

So I don't remember which was my first real kiss. But I do remember them both. They were passionate, each of them. And full of promises that neither of us was ready to keep. There was none of this sweet and gentle and perfunctory crap that I've been so wont to do lately. To show that I'm a good guy, at least at first. Back then, a kiss was all you were going to get, so you damn sure needed to make the best of it.

I'm pretty sure that I could remember all of my first kisses. I don't mean that I could list them right now off the top of my head, but if I thought about it long enough, I probably could. And if I heard a name or saw a face or had something like that come along to help jog my memory, then I definitely could.

I was thinking tonight about a few of my first kisses. From the drunken and playful and inevitable kiss of that night last Winter, to that fascinated experimental kiss a couple of weeks ago, to that romantic kiss in Las Vegas in June, to that initially timid kiss that somehow lasted an entire weekend in late 2004, to that incredible indefinable kiss a few months earlier that still makes me weak in the knees when I think about it.

I don't know why I've never written about kissing before. About lips. I've written about hands, and I've written about eyes, but not lips. I don't know why. Maybe, maybe kissing just seems too personal, even for me to write about. Maybe hand-holding and eye-gazing are just fine, but kissing belongs in the same realm as sex, and I never write about sex. Nobody wants to read about that - they only want to have it. Maybe kisses are the same way.

Anyway, I like kissing. It's my favorite. I just thought I'd share that little tidbit. You know, just in case anyone wants to make out or something.