It started out as a joke. A stupid game I'd play wherein I'd imagine and predict the worst thing that could happen.

It used to be funny, in a weird way. Until it all started coming true. Then it stopped being funny.

I wrote a while ago that I expect to be murdered. That was not a random off-the-cuff statement, it was a prediction. The end-result of a long list of bullshit mistreatment. A totally warranted extrapolation.

The cruelest and sweetest person I know will murder me someday. And I will like it, because I'll serve a purpose to her. An outlet of some kind, I guess.

I like being useful to the people I care about.

I'll probably be smiling when I die. I doubt that I'll be laughing, though, because that could be misinterpreted.

I took a stupid quiz on facebook tonight. This is the video version of my answers.

(I did this on facebook. Not being content with limiting the boredom to that small group of readers, I figured that I'd share it here as well.)

You can ONLY answer Yes or No.

You are NOT ALLOWED to explain ANYTHING unless someone messages or comments you and asks...and believe me, the temptation to explain some of these will be overwhelming because nothing is exactly as it seems.

Now, here's what you're supposed to do. . . Copy and paste this into your notes, delete my answers, type in your answers and tag as many of your friends as you'd like to....including me!

Let's go!

------- ------- ------- ------- ------- -------
Kissed any one of your Facebook friends? --- yes
Been arrested? --- yes
Kissed someone you didn't like? --- no
Slept in until 5 PM? --- yes
Fallen asleep at work/school? --- no
Held a snake? --- yes
Ran a red light? --- yes
Been suspended from school? --- no
Experienced love at first sight? --- yes
Totaled your car in an accident? --- yes
Been in a vehicle at more than 100 mph? --- yes
Driven a vehicle at more than 100 mph? --- yes
Been fired from a job? --- no
Fired somebody? --- no
Sang karaoke? --- yes
Pointed a gun at someone? --- no
Done something you told yourself you wouldn't? --- yes
Laughed until something you were drinking came out your nose? --- yes
Caught a snowflake on your tongue? --- yes
Kissed in the rain? --- yes
Had a close brush with death (your own)? --- yes
Ever feared for your life? --- yes
Seen someone/something die? --- yes
Played spin-the-bottle? --- no
Sang in the shower? --- yes
Smoked a cigar? --- yes
Sat on a rooftop? --- yes
Taken pictures of yourself naked? --- no
Smuggled something into another country? --- no
Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes? --- yes
Broken a bone? --- yes
Skipped school? --- yes
Eaten a bug? --- no
Sleepwalked? --- yes
Walked a moonlit beach? --- yes
Rode a motorcycle? --- yes
Dumped someone? --- yes
Forgotten your anniversary? --- no
Lied to avoid a ticket? --- no
Ridden on a helicopter? --- no
Shaved your head? --- no
Played a prank on someone? --- yes
Hit a home run? --- yes
Felt like killing someone? --- yes
Cross-dressed? --- no
Made your girlfriend/boyfriend cry? --- yes
Eaten snake? --- yes
Marched/Protested? --- no
Had Mexican jumping beans for pets? --- no
Puked on amusement ride? --- yes
Seriously & intentionally boycotted something? --- no
Been in a band? --- no
Knitted? --- no
Been on TV? --- yes
Shot a gun? --- yes
Skinny-dipped? --- yes
Gave someone stitches? --- yes
Eaten a whole habenero pepper (or other hot peppers)? --- no
Ridden a surfboard? --- no
Drank straight from a liquor bottle? --- yes
Had surgery? --- yes
Streaked? --- no
Taken by ambulance to hospital? --- no
Passed out when not drinking? --- no
Peed on a bush? --- yes
Donated Blood? --- yes
Grabbed electric fence? --- no
Eaten alligator meat? --- yes
Eaten cheesecake? --- yes
Eaten your kids' Halloween candy? --- yes
Killed an animal when not hunting? --- yes
Peed your pants in public? --- yes
Snuck into a movie without paying? --- yes
Written graffiti? --- no
Still love someone you shouldn't? --- yes
Think about the future? --- yes
Been in handcuffs? --- yes
Believe in love? --- yes
Sleep on a certain side of the bed? --- yes
Have a tattoo? --- no
Have/Had a piercing(s) --- no

That was interesting...your turn!

It's not stupidity that keeps me here. Nope, it's knowing the truth, even when everyone else fails to see it. It's speaking the truth, and living the truth, and waiting for beautiful eyes to open so that I'm not alone any more.

It's not cowardice that keeps me from turning away and facing the unknown. It's that the unknown holds no appeal for me. And why should it? The appeal of the unknown lies in its potential, and I've already found all of the potential I could ever want.

It's not weakness. I'm not here because I'm weak, but because I'm strong. I have persevered when others would have given up. I have pushed forward when others would have faltered. Time after time I have exposed my heart to the daggers of reality and, though I've been stabbed, I've never given up and I've never cowered and I've never ran away. I've been right here all this time.

And it's not insanity. Step inside me and look through my eyes. See what I see. Feel with my heart the things that I feel. Use my lips to speak, and use my ears to listen to the words fighting to be heard. Reach out with my hand and touch what I touch, and feel the tingling of a million touches yet to come. This is all very real.

It's not stupidity, or cowardice, or weakness, or insanity. It's something else.

I know what it is. So far, I'm the only one who really knows what it is. What it's like. What it means. What it portends.

So far, I'm the only one who really gets it.

But eventually, there'll be another.

Beautiful eyes will open, and they will see me, right where I've been all along.

1.If your doctor told you TODAY that you were pregnant, what would you say?
I'd probably ask if I could get a second opinion.

2. Do you trust all of your friends?
No, I really wish that I did, but I don't. Not completely.

3. Would you move to another state or country to be with the one you love?
Yes. That's like step 10 in our grand plan.

4. Do you believe that everything happens for a reason?
No, but that doesn't stop me from trying to figure out the reason for things.

5. Can you make a dollar in change right now?
Yes.

6. Which one of your friends do you think would make the best doctor?
I'm going to say HatGirl because, when in doubt, I pretty much always say HatGirl.

7. Are you afraid of falling in love?
Afraid of falling out of love.

8. Is there someone who pops into your mind at random times?
Yes. Duh.

9. What’s your favorite scar?
Stupid question.

10. When was the last time you flew in a plane?
To Phoenix a while ago.

11. What did the last text message you sent say?
To LaptopGirl: I have those all the time. (referring to brain-farts.)

12. What features do you find most attractive in the opposite sex?
Eyes.

13. Fill in the blank. I love:
Duh.

14. What is a goal you would like to accomplish in the near future?
Finding a job would be pretty nice.

15. If you were to wake up from being in a coma for an extended time who would you call?
My sisters and then HatGirl and then LaptopGirl.

16. How many kids do you want to have?
One boy and one girl always seemed like a good idea.

17. Would you make a good parent?
I think so.

18. Where was your profile picture taken?
At Rich O's with my blackberry.

19. What's your middle name?
Shane.

20. Honestly, what’s on your mind right now?
Duh.

21. If you could go back in time and change something, what would it be?
I waver on this. I would certainly want to change some things, but I'm not sure how I'd go about doing it.

22. Who would be the maid of honor/best man in your wedding?
Probably Eric.

23. What are you wearing right now?
Jeans shorts.

24. Righty or Lefty?
Mighty righty.

25. Best place to eat?
At the Y.

26. Favorite jean?
Stupid question.

28. Favorite juice?
Orange.

29. Have you had the chicken pox?
Yes.

30. Have you had a sore throat?
Yes. Stupid question.

31. Ever had a bar fight?
Yes. I won.

32. Who knows you the best?
RockGirl knows my deepest secrets. Probably Hatgirl or LaptopGirl next.

33. How did you meet your partner/spouse?
Gotta get me one of those someday.

34. Do you wear contact lenses or glasses.
Glasses sometimes. I've tried contacts but they irritate my eyes too much.

35. Ever been in a fight with your pet?
Only when trying to get them to take pills.

36. Been to Mexico?
Nope.

37. Did you buy something today?
Food, gas, beer.

38. Did you get sick today?
Nope.

39. Do you miss someone today?
Duh.

4O. Did you get in a fight with someone today?
Nope. Got pissed, though.

41. When is the last time you had a massage?
A month or so ago.

43. Last person to see you cry?
Wow. I have no idea. Maybe LaptopGirl?

44. Who made you cry?
Duh.

45. What was the last TV show you watched?
This thing about the Grand Canyon on The History Channel.

46. What are your plans for the weekend?
Spending my lottery winnings. Failing that, probably going to Rich O's.

47. Who do you think will re post this?
I bet HatGirl will.

48. Who was the last person you hung out with?
OddlyFamiliarGirl last night at Rich O's.

49. If your significant other asked you to marry them TODAY what would you say?
Gotta get me one of those significant others.

50. What are you going to do after this?
I dunno. Maybe go out to my garage for a bit.

Seriously, why am I still here? I was supposed to be gone weeks ago.

This is going to be bad. Maybe as bad as the last time, or maybe even worse. Probably worse, I bet.

What planet am I supposed to be from? What species am I supposed to be where I can just blow it all off and be okay with it? Handshakes and high-fives all around.

Bad news: I'm human.

Being okay would invalidate everything that I've said and done for years. But still, I would be okay if I could. Fuck, I might even fake it, if I could do that halfway convincingly.

But, I'm a terrible actor, it seems.

Why am I still here?

And the thing is, I can almost be okay with it. My own desires and priorities have, after all, changed, blurred, whatever. I could be okay, and I only asked for a little help. Like to not rub it in my face, and to not bend me over and fuck me up the ass with it.

Not too much of a request, I don't think. A little goddamn common decency and empathy.

em-pa-thy
noun
1. Identification with and understanding of, or at least acceptance of, another's situation, emotions, or motives.

I want to leave.

I need to leave, to get away from this fucking failed experiment before it sucks me in all over again. I don't want to go through it all again.

Where's the fucking payoff if I stay?

What's the reason for all of this? The rainbow is beautiful, but the pot of gold is forever out of my reach. Set aside for random others. Like they fucking deserve it. Like I haven't proven myself.

I try to be a good guy, and I think that I am a good guy.

But I'm not that fucking good.

Nobody is that fucking good.

The other night, MusicalYuppieDude told me that I should be knighted. I countered that perhaps I should be straight-jacketed.

Telling the truth has turned out to be the worst thing I could have done. How messed up is that?

I've got this problem. It's an incredible urge to write. But I sit down here at my computer, my fingers poised over the keyboard, and all that emerges is drivel.

I'm an ocean held back by a finger in a dike. There's so much in me straining to be released, but it never comes with anything approaching its potential. Just a trickle, every now and then. Just enough to frustrate the bejeezus out of me.

Eventually, I tell myself, something will give. My search for work may provide me with new surroundings. Maybe that will enable me to release this pressure. Or perhaps I'll find something that allows me to remain here at home, but circumstances will change. Or maybe I'll change. Maybe I already have.

Things end so suddenly, sometimes. I used to be kidded about how I was always afraid that each time would be the last. The last look, the last hug, the last kiss, the last word.

I'm looking at a word right now. It's the word "that" in black font on my screen. I'm looking at the word, and I'm terrified that it may be the last. And now, I'm thinking about the last look and hug and kiss, and I'm worrying that they're over forever.

I do worry about these things. I have to. I need to be prepared, because sometimes, I'm right.

I was reading some old entries this morning and this one made me laugh out-loud and scare my cats. Sometimes I think I'm really funny.

I think that if I could pick a mental illness to have, I'd pick Tourette's Syndrome.

That way, when I thought some girl was a whore, I could just scream out, "WHORE!!!!" and then when she got mad I could say, "Sorry, I got this Tourette's thingy. Whore. Slut. Bitch. Oops."

Then maybe she'd feel sorry for me and then the whore would give me some pity sex.