I was thinking this morning about the word, "friend."

What it's supposed to mean. What it actually means. Because those are two entirely different things. It may as well be two entirely different words.

Or maybe there should even be three words.

The first entry for the word, at dictionary.com, says, "A person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard."

Okay, fair enough. That's pretty much what I usually mean when I use that word.

But why, I wonder, do women so constantly twist that word into something entirely different when referring to a guy?

When they use the word, it doesn't mean any of that crap about feelings of affection or regard.

Nope, when they use that word, it means, "A guy I have casual sex with," about half of the time. The other half of the time, it means, "A guy I will never have sex with because he physically repulses me."

There's something about the tone or the inflection of the word. Its true meaning is always perfectly clear. Never mind that hogwash in the dictionary.

I dunno. Perhaps I'm just being feeling bitter because, far more often than not, I seem to be the latter type of friend.

So today I went to Jeffersonville.

First time in a couple of years, I think, that I've graced that town with my presence. At least on my own - I seem to recall going to Buckhead for lunch with some coworkers more recently.

Buckhead is where I went today, of course. I like the food there. I like the memories that resurface there. And they usually have good beer, too.

I sat out on the deck, oddly optimistic that it wouldn't rain while I was eating, and I enjoyed a yummy Cajun burger and a Paulaner Hefeweissbier (551) in a plastic cup.

It was very nice out today, as long as it was cloudy. As soon as the Sun would come out from behind the clouds - as happened several times - I'd almost immediately start being roasted alive.

But, it was usually cloudy, and so I survived.

Then, I went across the street to Hooters to see my cousin Jeff. I haven't seen him since my nephew's funeral, but that's not entirely my fault. He has agreed to share a lot of the blame.

Anyway, here's a picture of the potential storm that rolled in right after I got to Hooters.

All that storm really did was dump rain. It cooled things off, though, so that was nice.

While I was at Hooters, I had a couple glasses of Newcastle (9808) while I talked with Jeff. Then I went to Sluttopia to meet up with some old guy who was going to loan me a guitar, but he was a no-show. Damn old people. They can't be trusted for shit.

And that was it. Now I'm back home, wondering what happened to my weekend.

I was really bored for most of the day yesterday. I watched a couple of movies and shot some pool, and that was about it. At about 6:00 I went to Rich O's. It was quite early to be going there, but I thought I might be leaving early, so then it would all even out.

It was pretty dead in there. Kind of a typical Summer Saturday night. So I was able to grab the throne after just a few minutes. I sat there all night. I had three Delirium Tremens (1350), over the course of about four hours, then I switched to Diet Cokes. I traded some emails with RockGirl and LaptopGirl. I talked to PearlGirl in person, and I talked to WeirdGirl on the phone.

Once PearlGirl left, still fairly early, the place was a sausagefest for the rest of the night. Just me and some PBDs sitting around yammering about various nonsense.

I did manage to always keep at least one eye on the door, but nobody interesting ever came in. So that was disappointing.

When they closed-up and kicked everybody out, I came home. I was going to go to White Castle, but I forgot.

Oh yeah, some AWOL guy let me try a sample from his bottle of mead. It was gross.

What's your salad dressing of choice?
I like the sesame-ginger dressing with the Asian salads at McDonald's.

What is your favorite fast food restaurant of choice?
If you count Polly's Freeze, then there. Otherwise, probably Wendy's.

What is your favorite sit-down restaurant?
I like Red Lobster a lot.

What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of?
Probably cheese pizza.

What are your pizza toppings of choice?
Cheese, and if I have to pick another topping, then I guess pepperoni.

What do you like to put on your toast?
Jelly.

TECHNOLOGY

What is your wallpaper on your computer?
A Terragen landscape I made a few years ago.

How many televisions are in your house?
Giant one in living room. Little one in guest room. Big one in Basement. Small one in guest bathroom. Other big one in basement. Tiny portable one that's around here somewhere. I think that's it, so six.

What color cell phone do you have?
It's a black Blackberry.

BIOLOGY

Are you right-handed or left-handed?
Right.

Have you ever had anything removed from your body?
Wisdom teeth. And I was circumcised as a baby so, quick everybody, IMAGINE ME NAKED!

What is the last heavy item you lifted?
Bags of water-softener salt.

Have you ever been knocked unconscious?
Don't think so. Not by any physical blow at least.

BULLCRAPOLOGY

If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die?
Sure, what the heck.

If you could change your name, what would you change it to?
Belvedere Jehosaphat.

Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000?
Doubtful. I'd need at least $10,000, maybe $1,000,000 if it was hot enough to actually damage me.

DUMBOLOGY

How many pairs of flip flops do you own?
I think there's a pair around here somewhere.

Last time you had a run-in with the cops?
When this and then this happened. Or maybe the day I met MixedSignalGirl counts as a run-in.

What do you want to be when you grow up?
Not so fast there, Sparky. Who says I'm going to grow up?

Last person you talked to on the phone?
WeirdGirl late last night.

FAVORITOLOGY

Number?
Who cares?

Season?
Summer. I used to like Winter, back when it would actually snow.

Holiday?
I'm still partial to New Year's Eve.

Day of the week?
Saturday.

Month?
June.

CURRENTOLOGY

Missing someone?
About every ten seconds, on average.

Mood?
Whatever.

Listening to?
Nothing except my cat Buddy in the final stages of starvation - he hasn't eaten since last night.

Watching?
I'm typing into the computer, so I'm watching the letters appear on my screen. Duh.

Worrying about?
Answering one of these questions with something that causes trouble.

RANDOMOLOGY

First place you went this morning?
This presupposes that I went somewhere. I slept until 10:30 and then came here into my office.

What can you not wait to do?
That varies.

Do you smile often?
I have this goofy grin that keeps coming back.

I wasn't really planning to go to Rich O's last night. I also wasn't planning to not go. I was just going to wait and see if I was invited. Because I'd already screwed things up Thursday night, I didn't expect any such invitation.

So I was trying to take a nap. I'd just been woken up, actually, by a text message from MusicalYuppieDude telling me that it was "fuckin loud" at Rich O's. Then a few seconds later, my brother-in-law called to invite me down to Rich O's.

Okay, so not the invitation I'd been wondering about, but a welcome one nevertheless. I threw some clothes on and went.

Upon arrival, I immediately saw the source of the noise that MusicalYuppieDude had complained about. There were a half-dozen drunken idiots over at the bar. Lucky for me, Dina and Kenny were at the island, so I was able to join them and pretty much ignore the noise. Pretty much.

I had a Schlenkerla Marzen (3972) and a little pizza and I talked with Dina and Kenny for an hour or so. LaptopGirl came in and, after some gentle coaxing, talked with us briefly. So Dina got to met LaptopGirl, finally. She had, I'm sure, suspected that I'd just made her up. Like she used to think I'd made HatGirl up.

Speaking of HatGirl, at about the time I ordered my second Marzen (3989) HatGirl texted me that she might be coming to Rich O's. This was a huge relief for me, because I was very seriously dreading what would happen to my mood when Dina and Kenny went home and I was left alone in that crowded room.

I could feel the stirrings of an anxiety attack. It was going to be Thursday night all over again, and there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it.

Anyway, after Dina and Kenny left, and a million PBDs stole my seat at the island, I sat at the bar and tried to contain myself while I waited for HatGirl. I had a third Marzen (4006). I went outside and got some air about a million times.

When HatGirl arrived, I was in a pretty crappy mood. But HatGirl was also in a crappy mood (probably not for the same reason) so it all worked out. We were crappy together.

After I'd finished my Marzen, I had what was left of HatGirl's Delirium Tremens (1317). By the time HatGirl left, LaptopGirl was already long gone, so I just sat at the bar drinking a Diet Coke for another hour or so and waited for my hands to stop shaking.

It was a better night than I'm making it out to be. It certainly could have been worse. Like after I got home I managed to install my new toilet thingy without somehow burning my house down. So that was cool.

Please sit down before reading this.

I'll wait.

Okay.

Today, get this, I actually left my house on a day off work!

I know, unbelievable. But true nevertheless.

After spending the first half of the day thinking up creative ways to kill myself*, I suddenly found myself energized this afternoon. This was a good thing, because I had important and pressing shit I needed to do:

1. Buy a toilet thingy, because my old thingy broke.

2. Buy some water-softener salt.

3. See what new DVDs were at Wal-mart.

So I did the first thing, then I skipped the second thing and went to Wal-mart. While I was buying some new movies, and contemplating going back home to preheat my head at about 400 degrees*, my phone rang.

HatGirl!

Yay!

So instead of offing myself*, I ended up going to Louisville to have lunch with HatGirl. It was, of course, very nice. though this is now twice in less than a week that I've had lunch with HatGirl. I may be becoming spoiled. I may just start showing up at her house to demand, "What are we eating?"

Anyway, I didn't eat anything today. I had a Breckenridge Porter (146) though. It was good. And the company was so good that I didn't need to eat.

And AlliGirl got to meet HatGirl, and vice-versa.

Then we went upstairs to check out some bar prospects for HatGirl's bachelorette party. Because AlliGirl might be able to get HatGirl and her friends in for free.

HatGirl begged and cried*, but I had to put my foot down and tell her that I wasn't available to be the stripper at her party.

Then I went and took care of item number two from above, then I came home.

Fun!

* - Not really.

I wonder if she really understands, why I did what I did. What I had to do.

She says that she understands. She says that she wishes me well.

I believe her when she says those things, and I can tell that she believes it when she says those things.

But sometimes, every now and then, I see something out of the corner of my eye.

I see her looking at me, out of the corner of her eye.

I see something that doesn't quite fit.

I see something.

1. They did it already.

2. It's called Sideways.

3. But it could still be good.

4. I want Cusack to play me.

5. Or Jason Alexander.

6. Really, I want a cross between the two of them.

7. Not particularly attractive, but cool, you know?

8. I'd like a cameo, please.

9. Don't tell me the ending.

10. I want to be surprised.

I get a fair amount of comment-SPAM at barenada.com. Maybe a couple hundred a day. Most of them I just delete. But this one I thought was funny enough to post.

Your site has very much liked me. I shall necessarily tell about him to the friends.