It was, semi-recently, suggested to me that I will die alone and unloved. Basically because I'm an asshole who deserves that fate.

And so I, as politely as I could, requested that those words never be said to me again. That would make it twice. There will not be a third time.

Anyway.

It's come to my attention lately, or been brought into focus lately, or whatever, that I probably will die alone, but not because Adolf Hitler hasn't been around to tutor me on being a better person. Rather, I will die alone for the simple reason that I've lived alone, and I will most likely continue to do so.

This is who I am, how I am, why I am the way I am.

There are reasons for things being the way that they are, certainly. But I don't think that those reasons include the universe having a personal grudge against me.

That's pretty fucked up, right there. If I believed that for even a portion of a fraction of a second, well then I might as well just give up now and save everyone the trouble of having to put up with me.

---

I think about timing, and how it determines everything, and how often it ruins everything.

I think about shallowness and pettiness and vanity.

I think about suspicion and mistrust.

I think about my own commitment to an unrealized ideal.

I think about fear.

---

I'm pretty sure that, eventually, I will die alone. But when I do, it will be because I chose that particular fate, at least subconsciously. And so a part of me must want it to end up that way. I can't even begin to imagine what the reason for that might be, but there it is anyway.

---

I'm in a weird mood right now. I'm thinking about becoming a hermit for a while. But I've said that before, and I know that it probably won't happen. Because I still have hope for the future, for some reason.

I have no idea what that reason that might be, either

So I have this super power. Not this one. And not the one that developed after the toxic sludge incident of a few weeks ago. Nope, this particular super power is one that I've had for most, if not all, of my life.

See, I can tell, without a doubt, when I've become superfluous to those around me.

This super power is quite handy. Because the line between unnecessary and unwanted is such a thin one. The slightest push can cause me to cross it. Because of this super power of mine, I can usually manage to bow out before that push becomes necessary. I can save myself a lot of grief, that way. Because nobody ever wants to feel unwanted.

Tonight, I became superfluous at 8:45 or so. And, at 8:46 or so, I bowed out.

Fuck, I had something in my head a few minutes ago. Something that would have fit in quite nicely with this entry. But now I can't find it in my head.

Please bear with me, I'm gong to look inside my head for a few minutes. Maybe I can find its hiding place...

...

Crap, can't find it.

Oh well.

One thing that I wanted to say, though, was that it really sucks sometimes to realize that you're completely unnecessary. And that it especially sucks to realize it when you first wake up in the morning, or when you first walk into a bar, or when your friends first walk into a bar, or when you're noticed and acknowledged out of guilt and/or pity and for no other reason.

Okay, so it pretty much sucks all the time.

But it's still better than being pushed across that line, and going from unneeded to unwanted.

When I woke up, I remembered that they were starting a new beer festival at Rich O's. And that there would be three smoked beers from Schlenkerla on tap at the same time. And that NABC was unveiling a new smoked beer of their own. So I still didn't eat, because there was just no time for stuff like that. I just went straight to Rich O's. I got there at about 7:00, and I got to park in the main lot for a change.

It was about halfway crowded in there. I sat at the bar and ordered a half pint of the new NABC beer. Honestly, I didn't like it even a tiny bit. But I'm going to give it another try before I write an official review.

TallLady and MusicalYuppieDude were sitting on my right side. But they were talking with some people standing on my left side. This made me very uncomfortable, as TallLady's voice had to drill through my skull to reach its intended recipients. That discomfort eventually evolved into a little panic attack. In an attempt to stave off a full-blown attack, I picked up my shit and moved to the kiddie table. Then I went into the restroom to splash some cold water on my face, and when I came back somebody had stolen all of my shit. Luckily, it was just one of the bartenders thinking that I might have left.

So I got my stuff back, ordered a Schlenkerla Weizen (239) and waited an hour or so for the attack to subside. It really sucked. I hadn't had a panic attack since May. But it did eventually subside, and I felt a little better. I felt a lot better when some weirdoes left the living room area and I could move to the loveseat.

Back when I first started coming in to Rich O's, one of the bartenders tried to kill me. Well, last night I tried the Schlenkerla Urbock again, and revised my review:

Aecht Schlenkerla Rauchbier Urbock

The first time I had this, I wasn't very impressed. Now, four years later, I see that my palate has become sophisticated enough for me to recognize this for what it really is. A truly great smoked beer. Can best be described as a more intense Marzen.

Oh yeah, speaking of very cool, when I came back from the restroom to the scene of the crime, there was a hot girl sitting next to MusicalYuppieDude at the bar. I didn't recognize her at first, but it was TremensGirl, with a sassy new hairstyle. She looked fantastic, and we all told her so, many times.

Let's see, I ended up chasing my half pint of Urbock with a full pint (47). Eventually this one dude left the throne so I moved there. I ordered a Spezial (1572) which was also on tap for the festival.

Various people came and went and talked about various crap. Eventually TremensGirl came and sat at the kiddie table so we could talk about stuff. Like how I need to be more animated.

We seem to have developed this disconcerting habit of talking with our faces just inches apart. In our own little world, whispering secrets to each other. It's really quite nice. As the night went on, I found myself becoming more fascinated by her lips with each passing moment. I mean, they were right there and I couldn't take my eyes off them.

Like I said, quite nice.

When they started kicking us all out of Rich O's, everyone else left to go to some other bar that I can't stand. So I came home and finished my new Orson Scott Card book.

My day started after about three hours of sleep, at the unholy hour of 7:00, when I got up to do some last minute pre-cleaning because VacuumLady was going to be there in the morning. Of course, after I'd showered and done that pre-cleaning, I saw the email telling me that she wouldn't be there until the afternoon.

But by that time I was already committed, and it was too late to try to get any more sleep. So I left. I paid my water bill and got a haircut and dicked around Louisville for a while. Then, at 11:00 I went to The Pub and talked to BikerGirl and waited for NotHideousGirl. I'd promised to buy lunch for the latter. Because I'm nice.

Had a Newcastle (7295) and then another one during lunch. I wasn't very hungry yet, so I didn't eat. Accordingly, I was only going to have a half glass of Newcastle next. But BikerGirl challenged my manhood - or maybe she just wanted to get me drunk - and so I ended up having a second full glass (7315).

After NotHideousGirl went back to work, I went to Red Star to wait for BikerGirl to get off. I'd bought some books at Borders, and so I sat at one of Red Star's outside tables and read part of my new Orson Scott Card book and had a yummy Paulaner Hefeweissbier (392). By this time, I was getting a little hungry, but I figured I'd wait for BikerGirl.

BikerGirl arrived at 1:45 or so, and we had a pleasant little talk and late lunch. I still didn't eat anything, because they fucked my quesadilla order up. But it's not like I was starving. I was more tired than anything else. Once this, my second lunch of the say without eating, was over, I went back to The Pub and had a Diet Coke. Then I came home and took a short nap.

All day yesterday I was craving these catfish fingers from a place called Famous Dave's BBQ in Clarksville. I'm not sure who this Dave guy is, but I'm pretty sure he's never had his own DaveFest. So I'm clearly the real Famous Dave.

So at 6:00 or so I went to said BBQ place and had me some yummy catfish fingers. I had a bottle of Newcastle (7275) with them, and I bought a couple more orders of fish to take home.

Rich O's was packed with strangers. Or fucktards, as I kept calling them. I tried for a while to sit at the island with some weirdoes, but most of the night I stood at the end of the bar (called the g-spot for some reason) and glared at the people in the living room area. Turned out that they were all from the New Albany High School class of 1971. Whoopee.

Anyway, I stood at the end of the bar and had a couple pints of Rogue Dead Guy (486) and glared at people. Then after a while NotHideousGirl's sister, OddlyFamiliarGirl, came in and stood with me. I talked to her for a while, and I traded text messages with NotHideousGirl.

Then, because I'm nice, I took some cigarettes and a gluten-free beer to NotHideousGirl. We talked for a while, then I came home and ate the rest of my catfish fingers.

To finish the night, I sat on my swing and almost managed to finish a pint of Dead Guy (504) from a growler I'd bought the other day and then forgotten about.

There were about a million things I wanted to do today. I think that I will fall somewhat short of that number, since it's almost 1:00 and I've managed one thing so far. Two if you count putting clothes on.

What I did was take the Monte Carlo over to the garage. It actually started right up, so that was a bit of a surprise. I'd thought that the battery might be completely shot, because last Sunday after I'd let it run for a while, I shut it off and it wouldn't even turn over. But today it started up without any problems, and the check engine light never did come on. So that was cool.

But it's still got that pesky coolant leak. So I filled the radiator from my hose and drove the car over to my usual mechanic to have them check it out. I knew that it was either the lower radiator hose or the water pump. Of course, it's the water pump. I say of course because that's obviously the most expensive option, and the one that I would never dream of attempting myself. I've changed a few water pumps in my life, and it's just not any fun at all.

So I'll have to wait until my next payday to get the thing fixed. And then, the Monte Carlo will be pretty much back where it was a couple of years ago. Running fine, but still in need of a new exhaust system.

I don't have to work until Tuesday. I'm actually pretty excited. Not sure about what, though. I mean, I'll probably just go to Rich O's every night and wait in vain for something to happen. I'm probably just excited about getting to sleep in for a few days.

Anyway, I went to Rich O's tonight. I got there at about 7:00. I hadn't planned on getting there that early, but neither had I planned on my cats Buddy and Nugget declaring jihad on each other while I was trying to take an after-work nap. The sound of their hissing and growling always cuts right through me.

So I got there a couple of hours earlier than I'd planned. I got to park in the official parking lot, and it was pretty dead at first. There were a couple of strangers at the bar. MusicalYuppieDude was sitting with more strangers at the island. Some dude who kinda looked familiar was in the throne. I sat on the sofa and had a Rogue Dead Guy (408).

For the longest time, nothing happened. After KindaFamiliarDude left the throne I moved there. I had another Rogue (428). I sent a couple emails to RockGirl.

After another hour or so this one dude who looks like my cousin Robbie came and talked with me for a bit. Then FirstGirl came and sat on the loveseat. We talked about various fluff for a while, so that was nice.

I ordered another Rogue.

At about 10:00, a bunch of PBDs came and sat all around the living room area, and they started talking about football. So I got bored very quickly, paid my tab, and left. I didn't quite finish that last glass of beer (446).

Oh yeah, one cool thing was that I got a message from BikerGirl. Actually, it was an email saying that she'd left a comment about my spider entry.

Anyway, kind of a boring night. I think the best part was when I got home and I got to sit on my swing and contemplate the universe for a while. That's always fun.

I suppose, if I felt that I had to write something about something, and if I felt that I had to use an analogy to do so, I'd write something like this.

We were just cruising along. I was driving, she was riding shotgun. We had no specific destination in sight - we just went wherever the road took us. We rode together because we enjoyed each other's company. We rode together for a long time.

Everything was good. Not great, but good. Better than most road trips. It was fun. It was nice. It was easy to imagine that a fantastic destination awaited us, but still, it was the journey that captivated me. Us. Whatever.

But then, then for some reason that I could not and still cannot fathom, she decided to grab the wheel, and overpower me, and cause us to veer off of the smooth road. Into the brush.

We're still moving, I suppose. But we're encountering a lot more bumps and other obstacles now. It's pretty fucking distracting, and it's become a lot harder to just enjoy the drive and the company.

And nothing has been the same since.

I'll go ahead and put a disclaimer at the beginning of this entry. Some people will believe it, and some people won't. Probably most people won't. But it's still true.

This entry is not relevant to my life as it currently is. Any resemblance to anything in my current life is purely coincidental.

Anyway.

We're doing this all wrong. Most of us have always been doing this all wrong. This whole romance and seduction thing, I mean.

One of the greatest lies ever told, and one of the most common lies ever told, is, "I don't want to ruin our friendship."

Why, I have to wonder, why are our friends less suitable for romance and seduction than random strangers and casual acquaintances? Physical attraction issues aside, I mean.

Clearly, they're not less suitable.

Sex is the easy part. Actually getting along with another person is the hard part.

We're doing this all wrong.