You know what I like about my life right now?

I like the fact that, for the first time that I can remember, I seem to have the entire gamut of emotions at my beck and call.

This is really pretty cool, this place that I find myself in. Even though I complain about it what seems like all the fucking time.

Q: How do you know Dave is complaining about something?

A: Because he's awake.

Here's a little challenge for you. Pick an emotion. Give me a minute, and I can be experiencing that emotion.

Some are easier than others, of course. Some I might even call difficult. But not impossible.

A friend of mine asked me today if I ever felt hate. That's actually one of the tough ones for me. But I can do it. I have to reach far back - years and years - into my past, and think about things that I'd rather not think about, but I can do it. If I'm completely honest with myself, then I have to admit that I do hate her for what she did, over and over and over and over and over and over. Without remorse. Without anything that could even be remotely considered as being anything similar to regret. With nothing but pure selfishness. I hate that fucking whore.

Yes, I do hate her. For who she is, and for the coward that she turned me into.

Love, the one emotion that I always figured was impossible for me to feel - that's the one that turned out to be the easiest of all. That's the one that I live with, that's a part of me, that I cannot completely shake even when I want to do so. I try to run from it, and I try to hide from it, and I try to deny that I ever felt it. Feel it. But there's no use running, or hiding, or denying. It always catches up. It always finds me. It always stands right in front of me and does a little dance that always makes me laugh. This is what I feel when I let my mind and my heart relax and stop trying to escape the inescapable. That such a person can exist in this world. It's just so amazing to me. She is just so amazing to me.

I do love her. For who she is, and for the hopeful idiot that she turned me into.

And, between those two emotions, and between those two very different women, I have the full range of emotion available to me.

Like I said, it's pretty cool.

This isn't really an entry.

I'd planned on writing a real entry tonight, but now I'm not so sure that either of the ideas I had are worthy of your majesties' attention.

Maybe I'll have a beer and see how I feel after that.

I didn't even watch the guys last week. Mostly because they're guys and therefore largely irrelevant to me, but also because I was busy.

Anyway, I did watch the girls sing tonight, and here's what I thought.

3/7 (Girls)

Paris: She sang a stupid song. She's awesome though. Maybe a little too sweet. (75 points)

Lisa: Some song I never heard before. Good, I guess, but I really think she can do better. (80 points)

Melissa: Hot. I love her voice this week. She also picked a perfect song for her voice. (85 points)

Kinnik: She sucks, so I fast-forwarded through her performance.

Katharine: She seemed a little full of herself this week, and she sang a stupid song. I gave her 10 bonus points for having nice tits that I somehow failed to notice before tonight. (80 points)

Ayla: Wow. I can totally imagine hearing that performance on the radio. Damn good. (85 points)

Mandissa: I fast-forwarded through her performance because I don't like her.

Kellie: Still smoldering hot. Just an average performance but I don't care because I love her so much. (75 points)

After I wrote down my notes I went back and listened to the judges comments. For the most part, the judges are wrong.

I hope.

I keep saying this. I'll say it again. Mandisa and Kinnik need to get the fuck off my TV.

1. Get dressed.
2. Drive to store to buy a soda.
3. Talk to cute girl that works at store.
4. Drive to work.
5. Walk into work.
6. Attend a meeting at work.
7. Go to the bathroom.
8. Look in mirror.
9. Notice that your shirt is on inside-out.

There's this thing that I want.

This desire started, I dunno, maybe last Wednesday or so. And it's become stronger every minute of every hour of every day since then.

I actually want one so badly that I've found myself tempted to ask for it here in this journal. I know that several of these things must exist - I only want one. I'll even settle for a copy of one.

I know that there are probably several of my readers that can get one for me. I mean local readers, not the ones scattered all over creation.

I really can't just ask though. It wouldn't be proper at all. I'm thinking that I may try to trick someone into giving me one.

Somebody here in New Albany might be, right now, reading this entry while in possession of that which I crave. If you're out there, and you've been reading me long enough, you may even be able to guess what it is that I want.

If you're out there, and you have one, why not help a guy out?

Even though I won't be using these characters in my comics, I still think they're kind of cute, and I thought I'd show all of the ones I made over the past few days.

This is me.

SassyGirl, who will finally be back from Peru on Wednesday. This is exactly what her new hairstyle looks like.

MixedSignalGirl. I was being very optimistic when I made this on the off chance that she'd actually show up in one of my comics again.

This is supposed to be LaptopGirl. See the part about optimism above and multiply times about a gazillion. Her hair is too long here, but I suppose it might have grown since the last time I saw her.

This is EwokGirl, who I work with. The hair isn't even close to her real hair.

This is HatGirl. Lovely, isn't she?

DooRagGirl has had a major haircut. This is what she looked like before. She's going to make me change this. Not so much because of the hair, but because of what she's wearing.

Okay, my instructions were as follows: ANYTHING but pink, but I usually wear black, sometimes grey, sometimes brown, sometimes blue, just never pink. I wouldn't be caught dead in pink. I fixed the hair too.

I've already mentioned that I hadn't wanted to go out Saturday night. I've already mentioned that I'd tried to go somewhere Saturday afternoon, and failed.

That's just the tip of the iceberg, as they say.

No less than five times, on Saturday - starting at about 10:00 and ending at about 1:00 - I tried to go out. The first several times I only got as far as my kitchen. I'd put my jacket on, and I'd pick up my keys, and then I'd just stand there.

After a while, I'd take my jacket off and go back to my office or to my basement or to my living room.

Eventually, I did leave my house. I got about halfway to Louisville, then I turned around and came back home.

I was in such a strange mood. I was very much aware of the futility of pretending to be a part of a world that I just didn't belong to. Not on Saturday. On Saturday night, if it hadn't been for the admittedly slim chances of (a) seeing HatGirl, and (b) being normal for a while, I would not have left my couch.

But that was Saturday.

By Sunday morning, I was more or less back to normal. Normal, as always, is a relative term. I mean normal for me.

For the most part. I thought so, anyway.

Except that I put my jacket on about ten times, and for eight of the first nine of those times I ended up just standing in my kitchen for a while before taking my jacket back off. One time I made it to the end of my driveway before I threw my truck into reverse and pulled back into my garage.

The tenth time I went and bought some groceries, which had been my plan all along.

This isn't really social anxiety, I don't think. When I'm standing in my kitchen, I'm not nervous or anxious about leaving my house.

I just don't see the point. There's nothing out there.

So I guess my strange mood hasn't left me completely.

Today would have been my 21st wedding anniversary.

This doesn't bother me at all, and it hasn't in well over a decade.

I'd take a thousand March 5ths over a single November 14th, and I'd take a billion March 5ths over a single October 9th.

I wonder if there'll ever be a date that overshadows those two.

I fucking hope not.