Last night, I sent RockGirl this email, with the subject of "Yay!"

And yay and yay and yay! I get to have lunch with HatGirl tomorrow.

It's been 17 billion years since I've seen her. *

I'm so excited!

Then this morning I sent her this email, with the subject of "Wah!"

HatGirl flaked on lunch.

* - 8 days without HatGirl is the equivalent of 17 billion years. I did the math.

I remember what I said. I said that I'd leave. I said that, if I had no reason left to stay, then I'd leave.

Well, maybe I didn't think that through all the way. I mean, how am I supposed to know when there's no reason to stay? It must be a feeling, because facts are piling on top of me, and I still can't decide.

About every hour, I flip-flop between wanting to leave and wanting to stick it out. I bounce between excitement over the prospect of starting over and dread over the same prospect. There's a line between perseverance and stupidity, and I live on that line, right where it intersects the line between cowardice and acceptance.

Whatever I do, I know what I want it to be for me, and not for anyone else. I want to end up doing what's right for me. Wow, that seems like a selfish thing to want.

It's not really that black and white, of course. It never is. I'm not the only one, even though it sometimes seems that way.

I've been dewrinkling my shirt while I type this stupid entry. My dryer just dinged, so it's time to go. I'm going to this Jack's bar and drinking some Rogue Dead Guy Ale. I like that stuff.

Maybe I'll write something when I get back home. I feel like I might be in a writing mood tonight.

I tried to write something this morning, as I contemplated the day and the weather and the life that I find myself living. I tried to write, I even managed to write a few hundred words. All drivel, of course. What else would there be? I deleted those words.

And now it's fifteen hours or so later, and I'm back at this keyboard, once again searching for words and phrases which might, when strung together in a certain way, serve to illustrate the wonder that is me at this particular time and date.

12:26 AM, April 26, 2009.

You know what thought jumped into my head a little while ago, as I drove back home from an aborted trip to this stupid Jack's bar that was charging a cover for a stupid band that nobody ever heard of?

Go ahead, try to guess.

Buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!

Wrong.

The thought that crept into my head was one from an old beer commercial.

Great taste. Less filling.

And that started me thinking about emptiness. And that started me thinking about wasted time. And that started me thinking about wasted effort.

I see it all the time, all around me. I see it in myself, when I dare to look in a mirror.

Waste.

If it looks like a duck and walks like a duck and swims like a duck and quacks like a duck - guess what, it's a fucking duck. Call it a cherry pie all you want, but it's still a damn duck.

That's what it is, annoying. After the shock and the denial, I mean.

So I've thought about it, and I've thought about it some more.

I'm not going to say, not just yet.

No need to ruin their good time.

Every now and then something will strike me as being really funny, and I'll just start laughing. Usually I keep my laughter inside, but not always. And it usually happens at the most inappropriate times. Sometimes I just can't help but laugh at the absurdity.

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Every now and then I'll reach out. For answers, or for comfort, or for companionship - it doesn't matter - and I'll end up with a big handful of nothing. One might think that I'd eventually stop doing this, but instead it only strengthens my resolve to try harder next time.

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I had way too much caffeine today. And now I'm wired.

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I've been working on a simple little twitter-like thingy for this site, so I can just use my blackberry to make quick updates. The coding was simple enough, but I'm having a tough time deciding on the output format. Once I get the twitter-like thingy implemented, stupid tidbit entries like this will probably become a thing of the past.

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I wasn't really trying to fix anything, I was only trying to explain myself. It really did need to be said. Even if nobody was really listening, I needed to say it.

One of the weird things was how much that one dude loved my truck. He kept asking me questions about it like what year it was and how many miles it had. He commented on what a shame it was that my rear bumper had some rust. I swear he was hitting on my truck.

Then we walked a mile or so to HatGirl's car, so we could put our extra crap in there and not have to lug it around all day. Next, we walked all the way back to my truck. We walked all the way back to my truck because I'm retarded. I'd left our tickets for the craft beer tent thingy there. When we got back to the parking lot the dude was still admiring my truck. I think he had an erection, but I was afraid to look too closely.

Then we walked back to the riverfront. The craft beer tent thingy didn't open until 2:00, and it was only 12:30, so we went into Hooters where my cousin Jeff awaited. He'd gotten us free wristbands. That was nice of him. We had some Diet Cokes and sat around for a while.

Then we went and stood in line to get into the beer tent thingy. We had plenty of time then for people-watching. I came to the conclusion that HatGirl and I were the coolest people around. But I might be biased.

Oh, and we saw TremensGirl and Bubbles walking around, so that was nice.

Once the thingy opened, we got something to eat and then went down this steep-ass hill to the river. We watched the airshow, which was very cool. There was a fucking helicopter doing fucking loop-de-loops. I didn't think that was even possible in a helicopter. During this period I had myself a Gumballhead (534). This is also when the events portrayed in the comic two entries ago happened, so I had myself 14 ounces of Upland Wheat (297), too.

At one point HatGirl may have gotten a little tired. It was hard to tell for sure. I did, however, get a little concerned that the FBI might swoop in to recapture the unibomber.

Then she spent the rest of the night freezing to death because it was only 70 degrees or something. HatGirl has heat issues sometimes. I worry about her, and wonder how she survives the Winters.

This was about when I had myself another Gumballhead (550). It was yummy.

The fireworks were, of course, totally awesome, and were the reason that everyone was there. The airshow was introduced as a way to entice people to show up early. Also, it's hard to take pictures of fireworks, especially with a blackberry.

Anyway, once the fireworks were over, we were going to hang out for a while, but all of the bars closed early, so we went and sat in HatGirl's car for a half-hour or so, waiting for traffic to start moving. Then we went to White Castle then she drove me to my house.

It was a really fun day, and I only missed a certain person a million times, instead of the asstillion times I'd been predicting.

When HatGirl took me to get my truck yesterday, I'll admit that I was a little disappointed that the dude hadn't washed and waxed it for me. I guess I should have just been grateful that it wasn't covered with his semen.

I haven't heard anything about us suddenly being at war with Ireland, so I guess the girls must be behaving themselves.

For now.

Dum-dum-DUM!!