Such a stupid rainy day. Yesterday was almost perfect weather, though, so I guess today should be allowed to be stupid if that's the way it really wants to be.

But this would have been a good day to work on getting my swing fixed, if I could have talked my sister's husband into helping. And if it wasn't raining.

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Sometime today HatGirl will take me to get my truck from Jeffersonville. I'm sure that will be the highlight of my day.

As things turned out, our transportation arrangements for yesterday were way too complicated. What we did was, (a) I met her Friday near the riverfront, (b) we parked her car, (c) I took her home, then on Saturday (d) I picked her up in my truck, (e) we parked a couple of miles from the riverfront, (f) walked to the riverfront, and then after the show (g) she drove me home in her car, and then today (h) she'll come and drive me to get my truck.

What we could have done, as it turned out, was just drive my truck Saturday, park and walk, and then walk back to my truck after the show.

It's that 20/20 hindsight thing. Next year, we'll know better.

Plus the parking sticker for HatGirl's car cost $50.

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I may be housing some dogs for a while. My cats will be thrilled, I'm sure.

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My sisters and my niece are in Ireland now. I'm totally jealous.

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I need to do laundry.

It's such a bullshit situation, this one in which I find myself. Not only have I been conclusively and irrevocably convinced that I must turn my back on the most important relationship I've ever had, I've also been sworn to secrecy about my reason.

I hope that, someday, somehow, I'll be released from this particular gag-order, but I only wish that for the sake of my own conscience. Though this did certainly end and it is certainly over, I don't like the way it happened, simple as that. The relationship, however one wished to define it, deserved more. But I will not break my word.

As it is, I haven't been asked, and I don't expect to be asked. Assumptions and rumors will serve as facts, because facts are unavailable, and because facts can be cold and hard.

It seems like such a daunting task to write an entry about Saturday. It was such a long day, after all.

But I think I'll wait to see what pictures HatGirl took. I only took a few with my Blackberry, but she had a real camera with her. So I'll wait to see what pictures she has and then I'll steal some of them to help punctuate my entry.

Briefly, for now, though, we had a really good time. The crowding and even the traffic turned out to be quite bearable. I did manage to get myself a spiffy new sunburn, but it's not painful, so it's okay.

The first part of the day consisted of work, punctuated by lunch at Wendy's with HatGirl. I only mention that because, after work, I had dinner with HatGirl at Buckhead in Jeffersonville. I only mention that because tomorrow HatGirl and I are going to this fireworks thingy. I only mention that because, as I said a few entries ago, I got to see HatGirl at Rich O's on Tuesday and Wednesday.

Like I've already said, HatGirl is doing one hell of a job keeping me distracted. In other words...

HatGirl!

Yay!

So we were talking today about how I'm bound to get bored with seeing HatGirl all the time. Before too long at this rate, I won't be able to take a damn piss without getting some splatter on her. And not in a kinky way. So the joke was that I'd have to get her a new shirt to replace her HatGirl! Yay! shirt. The new one would say HatGirl. Yawn.

It was funny to us.

I will never get tired of HatGirl, by the way.

So then after dinner - I had a Paulaner Hefeweissbier (607) - I decided to stop at Rich O's. You know, just for a change of pace, also known as a Schlenkerla Marzen (10299).

I went to the bar to order my beer, heard my name called, and turned around to see none other than BadPickleGirl. So that's twice in a week for her, and that's even more unusual than seeing HatGirl four out of five days will be. Oops, five out of six days, because I'll see HatGirl again on Sunday.

This is, from right to left, the lovely BadPickleGirl, my lovely self, and the lovely friend of BadPickleGirl who doesn't get a nickname unless I see her again.

One thing I've noticed today. Just one thing out of a million things that swarmed through my head as I continued my struggle for clarity and my desperate grasping at resolve. One tiny trivial tidbit that's stuck with me.

For months, either too many times or not enough times, I would say, "I wish things were different."

But today, those words are no longer appropriate. Today, those words are no longer true.

Today, I'm imagining saying, "I wish things had been different."

Slightly different tense, for an incredibly different reality.

If I were a real writer, I could write about anything, and make it legible, maybe even enjoyable.

Well, I'm not a real writer, even though I fancy myself as one from time to time. I doubt that I fool anyone except maybe myself.

Remember how I used to write about beaches and islands and oceans and crap like that? Well, tonight I'm going to write (briefly) about a lighthouse.

It was so fucking bright - blindingly so, one would think - but it never once hurt my eyes at all. And, even though that coast was fraught with danger after peril after hazard, I never once doubted that I would be safe. That light was everything to me. My guide. My inspiration. My target, for not only safety, but for paradise.

And then some dipshit had to come along and extinguish the light.

I miss the light. Not only for everything that it did for me, but for everything that it stood for.

Already the memory of it fades from my mind, already the blobs fade from my vision.

I was just thinking about the past. Two years ago, to be precise. April of 2007.

Back then, I had several things going for me in my life. I had what seemed like millions of unanswered questions, a few choice untold secrets, and I spent my life kicking my own ass because of fears and uncertainties that had held me back two years earlier. And I also had a stupid little spark of hope for the future.

Now it's two years later, and everything is different. I've told my secrets, and I've had my questions answered, and I no longer loathe myself because of those fears and uncertainties.

And that stupid little spark of hope?

It's gone now. That's another thing that's changed. I miss having hope, that's for sure. But good riddance to all that other crap.

Tuesday and Wednesday nights were very similar to each other. Both nights I went to Rich O's and met HatGirl.

HatGirl!

Yay!

I'm getting so spoiled by HatGirl. She's been so good about helping to keep me distracted. She's always been really good at distracting me. Plus, she managed to talk me into going to the fireworks thingy without even really having to try.

Also, both nights I drank some beer. Also, both nights MusicalYuppieDude was there and I talked to him some.

Wednesday night was a little different because I texted OddlyFamiliarGirl and she came down after she got off work. So we sat and talked for our usual couple of hours, then I gave her a ride home.

I never said this would be an interesting entry. I'm suprised I can write anything at all.

I need to say some things.

1. This was my decision.

2. I don't like it even a tiny bit, but it still needed to be done.

3. I am a man, after all.

4. Some things can neither be excused nor ignored.

5. You people who thought I was being stubborn before - you haven't seen anything yet.

6. I'm sure that I will second-guess this for the rest of my life, but I will not regret it.

7. Nobody can ever say that I didn't try my absolute hardest.

8. This is not my loss. My loss happened a long time ago.