Monday, June 29, 2009
posted by dave at 11:42 AM in category pictures, quickies
This just in...
Girls are weird.
The crisis, that is.
Can't sleep, so I'm not even going to try.
I'm flipping off my phone. It's fun, and oddly calming.
Sunday night
I'm smiling. Weird. Take away the hope and the frustration and the disappointment and the sadness and the potential, and I'm still in love with her. That makes me smile.
Stay tuned
I have a very strong urge to write something that's long-overdue. Good thing I'm at Jack's, miles from my computer. But the night is still young, and I'll have to go home eventually.
What a weird mood I'm in. I have, for the moment, found that elusive equilibrium. I'm not sure that I like it. Too precarious.
Dinner with YoungGirl makes me feel really old and really young at the same time.
Can't decide what to do today. I want to go somewhere, but I can't make up my mind.
It's a little cooler outside tonight. It feels really good.
Wasted time wasting away
Tick tock tick tock tick tock tick tock tick tock tick tock tick tock tick tock tick tock tick tock tick tock tick tock tick tock tick tock tick tock...
Stupid Jack's is charging $5.00 to get in the door at stupid 12:25 to see some stupid band. Fuck them and their stupid cover charge.
Okay, I asked her. She said it was an "interesting" idea. I don't know what that means.
I got to see HatGirl, and most of you people didn't get to see HatGirl! So ha-ha!
Probably just inertia
Trying not to think about something, and wondering why it's such an effort.
Now I'm at Bearno's. There are LOUD dorks here.
Had a dream that I was at a concert at my old high school. Frampton and Loverboy - what an odd combination.
I've had an idea so crazy, it just might be brilliant.
I don't think I'm being unreasonable. I'm just asking for some decency.
I'm thinking how weird it is that in a week or two I could be thousands of miles away.
I feel a little better since I took most of my clothes off. I think I'm going out to my garage.
All kidding aside
I really needed that. It patched one of the holes in my soul.
I'm excited. This probably means I'm about to be disappointed, but for now I'm excited and I like it.
It's always weird when people I never saw before in my life greet me like their life-long friends.
posted by dave at 5:00 AM in category quiz

I've been seeing variations of this around. I'm bored and I can't sleep, so what the heck.

Airline miles. First I saved enough to go to Hawaii, then I saved enough to go to Hawaii first-class, then I saved enough to go with somebody special. Now I think I've got enough to go first-class with somebody special, but nobody wants to go with me.

Baseball. When I was a kid I was a pretty big fan of the Reds. I played little league and stuff, and I could run fast and I could whack the crap out of the ball. But I couldn't field for shit.

Cats. I have two of them now. I used to have three, but poor Happy died last fall when I was busy. I've always been more of a cat person than a dog person.

Dangerfield. My funniest Rodney Dangerfield joke is, "I never got any respect even as a kid. Why when I was kidnapped my parents got a call saying if they didn't pay $5000 they'd see me again."

Every time I think that things are getting better, they suck even harder.

Farrah. The way I found out about Michael Jackson's death was that KittenDamsel told me a joke. "What was Farrah Fawcett's dying wish?" "That Michael Jackson would die."

Goth. Laptopgirl told me that she used to be goth. I really really really want to see pictures from those days. I bet she was hot.

HatGirl. Yay!

Igloo. That was just the first thing that popped into my head that started with that letter. I bet they're hard to build.

Jackie was the name of one of the first girls I ever had a crush on. It was second grade.

K as in the letter K. It's a bad-luck letter for me when it comes to women. As opposed to all of the incredibly fantastic luck I have the rest of the time.

Launa was my mom's name. If I were to ever have a daughter, I'd want to name her Launa.

Meow. That's what Buddy is doing right now. He thinks that he's starving to death because he hasn't eaten since midnight or so.

North. I wish I'd done more exploring when I lived in Alaska. I mean, I did quite a bit, but I should have done more. I want to go back someday.

Oppossums. I don't like them and their beady eyes.

Pickles. They suck. Their smell contaminates everyting around them, and God help you if you get pickle juice on something because that smell is never going away.

Quack. Part of this entry fragment that I like: If it looks like a duck and walks like a duck and swims like a duck and quacks like a duck - guess what, it's a fucking duck. Call it a cherry pie all you want, but it's still a damn duck.

Rise. That's what the Sun is going to do before too long. I should go outside and watch.

Sometimes I wish I'd never told her the truth. But only sometimes.

Tornadoes. I'd still like to see one someday, as long as it's not coming straight at me.

Underwear. I wear boxers. You know you care.

Vanquish. I don't know why I thought of that word. Maybe I'm tired.

WeatherGirl has always been nice to me. Her dog sucks, though.

X-rays. I've had my shoulder and my foot and my knee x-rayed. Oh, and my teeth. No super-powers yet, though. I'm still waiting.

YoungGirl and I had dinner Sunday evening. It was nice to have the company.

Zoo. I like the Tazmanian Wolves. I think they're cool-looking. They smell like skunks, though.

Sunday, June 28, 2009
posted by dave at 2:32 AM in category ramblings

You ever get a desire and at first you don't pay much attention to it, because you figure it's just collateral damage, and then it grows and grows and sometimes threatens to consume you? And you can't think about anything else, even those things that are much more important and much more noble and even much more realistic?

Yeah, me too.

posted by dave at 2:23 AM in category ramblings

Most people probably think that I'm a pessimist. They're wrong for thinking that, but I guess I understand their mistake. It's just that I try to prepare for the worst.

The problem that I have is that "the worst" is an ever-changing thing. What was "the worst thing" yesterday is nothing but the fucked-up past today, and there's an entirely new "worst thing" for me to prepare for.

I've told RockGirl, several times, that I expect to be murdered someday. And, not only that, I expect that I know exactly who my killer will be. It's just common sense. A trivial extrapolation that a child could do while sleeping.

But that's in the far-off future. I won't have to worry about that until a million other bad things have happened. And I'll wait for each and every one of those things, and I'll endure each and every one of those things, because they must be important or they'd certainly have stopped by now.

I used to joke about the bad things, until they happened. After that, they didn't seem all that funny to me anymore.

I'm in a good mood. That doesn't make any sense at all.

It must be denial.

What will tomorrow bring?

I don't know, but I bet it will suck, whatever it is.

Saturday, June 27, 2009
posted by dave at 8:05 AM in category daily

I know that I'm probably jumping the gun. Things fall apart all the time, but I have a feeling that it's not going to happen this time. I'm not sure why I feel this way. Probably a combination of optimism and desperation.

I found myself sitting in my garage last night, planning my route and coming up with a rudimentary itinerary. I gave very little thought to getting prepared, but I never do that. That's not the fun part, after all. That's the part that will suck. Figuring out what to take, what to leave. Who to tell and what to tell them.

Who to invite?

Whoa, where did that thought come from?

I must contemplate this idea further...

Friday, June 26, 2009
posted by dave at 3:20 PM in category pictures, quickies
It's hot outside. I'm not complaining, I'm just saying.
Okay, that one was a little too close. Anybody need any fresh firewood?
This lightning is awesome!
I make you a deal. You open your damn eyes, and I'll reopen mine. Sound fair?
Now I'm back home, sitting in my garage and hoping that all this lightning leads to something. I like storms.
Just don't. Tossing dice is not the answer. So don't.
Now I'm at Jack's, having a nice Newcastle to end my night.
Last night we were wondering where ActualGeorge has been, and he just walked in.
I took a nap. My cats actually let me sleep, and they didn't get into a fight. I don't think I dreamed. It's hot here.
And then they started handing out free Chimay Grand Reserve...
And then they started passing out free Chimay...
It's not much hope, but I guess I don't need much. I just need a little.
This has been going on too long. There's got to be something else, besides the obvious. I might have to start freaking out.
Oh well
I'm back home now. Not what I'd have chosen.
Me and MisunderstoodGirl
Assuming that I'm standing in a puddle of water that's pooled under the urinal.
MisunderstoodGirl is here! Yay!
After I say something a million or so times without response, it starts to feel a little redundant. So tonight I'm not going to say it, except to myself.
It's reallly dead in here.
Now I'm at the haunted Burger King. Next I'm going to Rich O's. I'm really feeling unmotivated tonight.
Who am I supposed to cheer for when they're both hot?
I've got this thought stuck on the tip of my brain. If I can manage to dislodge it, maybe I'll write something.
I switched from 400 texts a month to unlimited. It was only $16 more, and now I don't have to be paranoid about it.
I did one of my good deeds for the day. I called NakedGirl and sang Happy Birthday to her, albeit 90 minutes later than I'd planned. My other good deed for the day is on hold, because someone is a big fat meanie. Disclaimer: Not really big, or fat, or mean. Okay, maybe mean.
Slurp is a funny word.
posted by dave at 3:25 AM in category ramblings, weather

I could lose power at any second. That's kinda exciting to me. The lightning outside is crazy, like living inside a strobe-light. I want to vomit some words here and then I want to go back out to my garage and watch the lightning some more.

This probably isn't going to make any sense to anyone but me, but I don't care. I don't know why you people read this crap anyway. Inertia is my guess.


I can close my eyes, when I'm in the right mood like the one I'm in right now, and I can see.

A single bright point of light, directly ahead. It outshines, without even trying, the smudges to my left and the smears to my right, and even the fading spotlight behind me.

People think, people wonder, people question, people doubt, people question some more. But people just don't see. It's right there.

All I have to do is close my eyes, and everything is perfectly clear.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009
posted by dave at 7:02 PM in category ramblings

So I had that thought dangling from my brain. When I finally dislodged it, I sat down here to write an entry about it.

But, as it turns out, I've already written the entry. Over three years ago. Oops.

I was wrong about being okay, when I first wrote this entry. I might be wrong again this time - the bruising is much more severe, after all. Time will tell.


(January 2006)

The other night, I drank a bottle of yummy Alaskan Smoked Porter and wrote a bunch of snippets of boring crap. One of those snippets was this:

I think about a couple of my friends who've recently started reading my 'blog. I try to keep things light for them - but not too light. I want to come off as neither a lunatic nor as a child. This is easier said than done. Especially when I'm both. I want to come off as insightful at times, and as brilliant at others. This is easier said than done. Especially when I'm neither.
I'm thinking that this is probably worth its own entry, so I'm going to give it one.

We'll see if I can write anything coherent without alcohol in my bloodstream. I have my doubts.

The problem is, I don't seem to be able to write anything that's either interesting or well-written unless that writing comes from my heart. My emotions are the source of everything I've ever written that I considered readable.

Because of this, I tend to stick with those same emotional topics and rehash them to death. Beat that dead horse into bloody pulp.

So someone new to my 'blog comes along, reads some of my drivel, and makes conclusions based on it.

Conclusions that are often less than accurate. Or at least not timely.

SCRIBBLERESQUE PARENTHETICAL THOUGHT: This is the third time I've restarted this entry. I know what I want to write, but I'm having a hard time deciding how to write it.

But what are people supposed to think about me, when they read my 'blog?

Read something from the Fall of 2003, and you'll be so bored that you'll never read anything by me again. You'll probably volunteer for a lobotomy to prevent accidentally reading something I've written.

Read some of the later stuff, and you'll feel a little sorry for me. You'll think my writing is insane, and obsessive, and overly dramatic, but some of what I write is at least interesting and/or well-written and/or entertaining.

But what are you supposed to think about me?

I read back through my old entries, and there is of course one theme that keeps popping up. That fucking dead horse. I write about it because it's what I know, and it's what I feel, and it's - I guess comfortable would be a good word.

But it's not me. Not anymore. Not, at least, to anywhere near the extent that it used to be. That's what I want people to think about me when they read my 'blog:

I'm okay. Or I will be.

I get better all the time. Every day I wake up with a little less pain, and every night I go to sleep with a little less feeling that the day was wasted because she didn't share it with me.

I think I'm what you might call emotionally bruised.

But that bruise is fading.

So what should people think about me, when they read my 'blog?

I'd like people to think that I'm a person, a human being, just as capable of pain, or passion, or selfishness, or friendship, or stupidity, as anyone else. I'd like people to not be afraid of me, or of hurting my feelings. I'd like people to know that they don't need to tiptoe around me. That I'm stronger than I seem.

I'd like people to understand that there are some things about me that they may never understand, because I don't even understand them myself.

But that's okay, and so am I.

posted by dave at 12:27 AM in category quickies
Dammit dammit dammit dammit, it was not supposed to happen this way. It was not supposed to happen at all, dammit.
It's not two-dimensional, it's three-dimensional, dumbass.
I forgot to say that I went to The Keg and managed to score one of the last six-packs of Gumballhead in Southern Indiana. So, ha-ha!
Now that I'm fresh out of girlfriends, my sister is having a pool-party this weekend. Oh well.
I'm wondering, if I leave, if I should bother to say goodbye.
Samuel Adams Longshot Traditional Bock
(bottle) Clear dark amber. Tan head that faded quickly. Aroma of burnt malts and molasses. Medium mouthfeel. It's got that same weird flavor that I find in most bocks. I don't like it.
Tuesday night I think
Dinner was good. Now I'm at Rich O's. I don't know why.
Fine, I'll go to Red Lobster, by myself. Meanie.
Even better
Well I didn't continue the dream from yesterday. Even better, today I dreamed about having ice cream.
Now what will be nice is if I can continue my lucid dream from yesterday.
I vant to suck your blood
I see that my sleep schedule is slowly but surely creeping back into vampire mode.
Now I'm at Denny's. Same reason I was at Jack's, I guess.
Pop quiz asshole
Question: What's worse that being alone? Answer: Being with the wrong person. Question: What's worse than being with the wrong person? Answer: Being alone and wishing you were with the wrong person.
I'm at Jack's now. I'm not sure why. I guess I just didn't feel like going home alone just yet. This sucks, by the way.
Some things are funny. This is not one of those things.
Dammit, I wish things had been different in the past, or were different now, or would be different in the future. Dammit.
If a person quacks often enough, people are going to start thinking that the person is a duck. I'm just saying.
Saison Dupont
Light brown, with a white head that seems to be lasting. Very light aroma of yeasts and apple peels. Sharp and clean flavor, watery mouthfeel. Decent is all I can say.
That's my good deed for the day. It will go unappreciated, of course.
I hate people
Fucking people are talking about her, behind me. I'm trying not to listen, but her name keeps reaching my ears.
Clipper City Red Sky At Night Saison
Clear light golden. Nice white head. Subdued aroma and flavor of fried apples. Mouthfeel more creamy that I'd expected. Good.
Abracadabra. There, that should work.
I'm at the haunted Burger King. I don't know why.
My resolve is weakening. Perhaps I should bolster it with alcohol. That always works, right?
Boom rumble rumble
I like waking up to the sound of thunder.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
posted by dave at 2:08 AM in category ramblings

The problem is that, sometimes, it does no good. Pretending that the monster in the closet doesn't exist is both futile and stupid when it does exist. Lurking, waiting, salivating.

"Suck it up," they say.

"Suck this up," I so badly want to respond.

But, I don't say any such thing. I'm nice, after all. And people generally mean well, even when they advise stupid shit like that.

Some things simply cannot be dealt with by sheer act of will. Some things are, get this, actually hard. Some things, they take time, and too often time is a concession we're not given. So, too often, we find ourselves pressured into ignoring the problem, pretending that it's not as bad as it really is. Trying to fool the world and ourselves into believing that everything is okay.

And then one day we explode into a million pieces.

Ignoring problems doesn't make them go away. Acting normal might fool some people, but it never fools the most important person, the person doing the acting. So what's the point? The inconvenient truth is always always always better than the convenient lie.

And the thing is, I suck it up a little bit every damn day. How else would I get out of bed each morning? How else would I ever leave my house? How else would I breathe?

I do all I can to get through this, and that is, by definition, all I can do.

Okay, maybe I could close the closet door. Maybe I could turn on the lights and banish the shadows but, eventually, I'd have to sleep. And that's when it would get me. In my sleep.

No thanks.

I'd rather be awake, And see that monster coming. And hear the hinges squeaking and the floorboards creaking. And feel and hear the soft whimpers from my throat as my body tenses up from fear.

In case you were wondering, I'm in a weird mood right now.

Monday, June 22, 2009
posted by dave at 1:36 AM in category general

We discussed this. I got permission to write this.

We went into this with good intentions. Maybe not the best of intentions, but still good ones. Innocent ones. Nobody was supposed to get hurt. It wasn't supposed to end like this, but it was supposed to end. Someday. But not like this.

We were so well-balanced. Not lopsided at all. Not the way my last relationship was. That was so fucking lopsided that there are many who wouldn't call it a relationship at all. Well, fuck them, I say. It most certainly was a relationship, just a very lopsided one.


The two of us, we were balanced. We knew each other quite well. We trusted each other. We liked each other a lot. And we'd each learned some tricks in the last three years, so that part was fantastic. And the timing was good. We needed each other. Each of us on the rebound, each of us desperately seeking distraction, neither of us looking for anything long-term, neither of us ready for anything serious.

Nothing serious with each other, I should clarify.

It was supposed to be fun, and it was certainly fun. It was supposed to be a distraction, and it was definitely that as well. It was supposed to be casual, though, and that's where we fucked up.

We didn't want to progress at all, but we did. We went from fuckbuddies to boyfriend/girlfriend before either of us realized what was happening. This was bad, because neither of us wanted that kind of relationship. Neither of us was ready for that kind of relationship.

Not with each other, I should clarify again.

So we found ourselves in a dilemma. The casual relationship we'd initially tried to have wasn't going to be enough for us, but the more serious relationship that had developed - it had developed too soon. It was doomed, from the second it began.

These torches we carry, see, they're not for each other.

We asked ourselves and each other a question.

Would we have a better chance trying to tough it out right now, or should we wait a few months and see if we're ready then?

We both came up with the same answer. Whatever might happen in a few months is irrelevant. What's relevant is that right now, there is no way we could make it work. We're both in love with someone else, and those feelings must and will take priority for us, even if they don't deserve it.

This is not about waiting or hoping for a lost love to come back into our lives. Nope, this is about acceptance. When we can accept, in our hearts, that we're alone, then that is when we'll be ready to stop being alone.

This may take a long time. It may take forever. It may never happen. Such is life, and such is love.

Sunday, June 21, 2009
posted by dave at 10:52 PM in category pictures, quickies
OddlyFamiliarGirl was all set to tell me how stupid I am, but she went to pee first.
I was feeling torn between going to Jack's and going to my garage, but OddlyFamiliarGirl called, so we're going to Jack's.
My cats will totally ignore each other all day, but then as soon as I try to take a nap on my couch they get into a fight.
Pizza was closer to my house.
Between going to Red Lobster or just getting a pizza at Bearno's.
Total eclipse
I absolutely could not take my eyes off her as she sang, and I really tried. My eyes were not under my control, they were under hers.
It's almost 5:00 and I'm sitting in my garage having a beer I earned the fuck out of.
Happy birthday
Happy birthday, Mom. It sucks that you're dead. It's especially sucked this Spring.
Nice hat
Now I'm at Rich O's. Louisville was boring. I stopped at Connor's but there was nobody I knew there.
Belhaven Scottish Stout
This is a fucking good beer. Very surprising to me.
This place has no signal. So I'll be out of touch for a while. Get over it.
I think I'm going to this one new place. I hope it doesn't suck.
Trying to fill it up and keep it full. At least until I win the lottery, which should be any day now.
It's a total sausage-fest in here tonight.
It would be weirder if I suddenly changed.
Actually, still starving from earlier. Plus, killing bad guys makes me hungry. A pizza-Marzen combination sounds yummy.
Trying to kill the bad guys in this game while keeping one eye constantly glaring at my phone. Makes it more difficult, and they keep killing me.
It's called Ruby Tuesday.
Funny to me
I was just reading some old notes, and I ran across The Plan. Step one is done. I'm ready for step two now.
Never mind
I can't go there. I only ever went there with her, so it's bound to be haunted. Oh well.
I can't remember the place that always had good food. Now I'll have to drive over there and see. I know where it is, kinda, just not what it's called. Some chain. I'm starving.
Okay, I killed 20 minutes. Now what?
Waiting waiting bored waiting frustrated waiting
I've been put in my place, shown where I stand. I don't like it here. It sucks here.
posted by dave at 5:58 AM in category daily

I'm thinking that I won't bother writing a blog entry about last night, as the title pretty much says it all.

'Cause I'm all efficient and shit.

And rabid.

And straight, in case the title made you wonder.

Friday, June 19, 2009
posted by dave at 1:45 AM in category quickies
On again?
Chatting with MisunderstoodGirl!
On again, off again, way off again.
Well I guess I missed something interesting. That'll teach me to leave my computer unlocked.
She said she would help me get through this. I don't think that she lied, I think that she underestimated the effort that would be required.
Word of the day. Word of the month. Word of the year. Word of the life.
My blackberry decided to randomly delete most messages from before 8:36 tonight.
Screw it, I'm going out. I'm in too epic of a crappy mood to waste it on my cats.
I don't know what to do. Thursdays have always been off-limits, but situations change and so do rules. Crap, I don't want to stay home, but maybe I should.
Baby steps
I'm at Bearno's, so I didn't make it far, but I did manage to leave my house.
Now it's raining. I wonder if it's my fault.
I'm at Denny's now. I'm starving. It's not as late as I thought it was.
I'm glaring at my phone, and she's right here three feet away from me.
Two different things
Going on a beer run, then going to Rich O's.
It's like a bell curve, only very pointy. I could probably shave with it. Or slit my wrists. Or trim my trees. You get the picture.
Had lunch, then got my hairs cut, and now I'm at Sportstime. Exciting stuff.
A little more than an hour until lunch with HatGirl! Yay!
My cable internet just went out. Now I have to rely on my blackberry for email, like a damn caveman.
Still awake. Sometimes my brain won't shut down. Tonight, I'm worried for someone I care about.
At home. Bored. Hoping for more storms.
Sitting at Rich O's. Watching the door. I don't know why.
I hope that a certain person put the windows back in her Jeep before the skies opened up.
I think I'm going to start requesting more facebook friends, and accepting invites.
People can shake their heads and doubt my intelligence all they want. They have no idea how tough these last two months have been for me. I jumped at the chance to stop missing her for a few hours, and I'd do it again and again and again.
Restating the obvious
Women are weird. That's one of the things that makes them wonderful.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
posted by dave at 2:03 PM in category ramblings

I'm in a pretty weird mood today. Lack of sleep I guess, the blame for which is shared equally between a bout of insomnia keeping me awake and a thunderstorm waking me up.

I want to write today. More than that, I want to be a writer. Whatever that means. Vomiting words and somehow having them splatter into readability. A Rorschach test to reveal things about the writer, and maybe about the reader as well.

You ever just have one of those lives?

I'm waiting again. That's what I do. The present holds little interest for me, and the past is annoyingly immutable, so I wait for the future. I hope that, once I finally catch up with that elusive asshole, that this will all make sense. That I'll understand why I've endured.

I need to get out of this house, and out of this mood.

posted by dave at 1:32 PM in category ramblings

It was one of my big concerns, actually, that I wouldn't let this end quietly. That, once this beast was no longer looming ahead of me but was instead standing beside me, that I'd lash out. Or at least try to defend myself.

I haven't really done that, I don't think. Nope, I'm just letting it beat the shit out of me, and hoping that it'll tire before I die.


Another concern is that the end will never be a part of my past. That I'll pick it up and I'll carry it with me for the rest of my days. Burdened by its weight, encumbered by it's size, but unable and unwilling to let go because it will be all that I have left to prove that I ever existed in any way that mattered.


I lie awake, and I doubt the truth of every word that was ever said to me.

posted by dave at 2:23 AM in category ramblings

And the amazing thing was the rapidity with which it all took place.

I never in my life saw anyone sober up so quickly, and then, once the crisis has been dealt with, I never in my life saw anyone go back to being so drunk so quickly.

It really was uncanny. I looked around for Allen Funt, but he wasn't there. I think he might be dead, come to think of it.

Anyway, I really do like to feel useful. It's all a matter of perspective, of course. What to one person is an obvious manipulation, a blatant advantage being taken, to another person - my lovely self in this case - it's nothing more than an opportunity to feel useful. These opportunities are especially welcome because I never thought they'd happen again.

HatGirl says that I should stop defining myself by what I mean to others. My response to that is that I can't think of a better measurement.

I'm just rambling now. I went to Denny's after we left Jack's, and I thought it was a lot later than it was. So now I'm wired because it's only 2:16 instead of 5:16.

If time flies when you're having fun, I guess that means it drags when you're miserable?

I didn't think I was miserable. I thought I was in a pretty good mood - it's the feeling useful thing - but I guess I was wrong. Maybe I was so miserable that I somehow looped back into a happy place.


Tuesday, June 16, 2009
posted by dave at 11:32 PM in category ramblings

The thing that I can't seem to get to stick in my head is that there's nothing I can do.

I didn't do enough before. No matter how hard that is for me to accept. Even though I did so much, more than I'd have thought possible and more than most people would have done, I simply didn't do enough to be good enough.

During, I did too much. I was honest and forthcoming. Too much of each, because I was also hurting. In shock by the suddenness and the brutality of what was happening. I should have taken the time to let things digest. But, I didn't. I screwed up and I let my emotions take over. Oops, right?

And after? After, I don't know what's been going on. I've either been doing too much or too little or the exact right amount, but it doesn't matter, because it's been out of my hands, and it's still out of my hands, and I wish I could accept that fact instead of forgetting it every 10 seconds. Instead of always trying to do something, anything at all, to fix this.

I'm doing it right now, with this entry. Trying to fix things.

Wasting my time, some would say.

Standing my ground, others might counter.

I get so damn impatient sometimes. You'd really think, after all these years, that patience would be something I'd be really good at.

You'd be wrong.

posted by dave at 1:19 AM in category general

I have this competitive side. Not a lot of people see it, except when I'm shooting pool, but it rears its ugly head every now and then for other things. Bowling. Horseshoes. Euchre. Darts.

Darts is what caused it to awaken tonight.

The first game, OtherDave was kicking my ass at first. I couldn't get the damn house-darts to fly straight, let alone in the direction I desired. I think he closed out everything except bulls before I closed 20s.

But, I found my elusive alignment, and I came back and I won that game. Via luck, OtherDave insisted.

The second game was a joke. Although I really was trying, OtherDave constantly accused me of fucking around as I mowed through the scores, easily winning by a score of about 11,000,000 to zero.

The third game, I threw one dart to his three darts per turn. Once I'd closed everything but bulls, I switched to throwing left-handed. I don't think OtherDave noticed - he was too busy trying to find the dartboard along with the proper words to describe his new hatred for me.

"Teach me a lesson," I implored. "I'm being a real dick right now. Make me regret it."

But alas, it was not meant to be. I won that third game as easily as I'd won the second, just with two-thirds fewer darts. And opposite-handed, at the end.

I can certainly be a dick sometimes, because of my competitive side, but I always try to make up for it in other ways.

Like tonight, I paid for his beers.

I'm not all bad.

Monday, June 15, 2009
posted by dave at 11:08 PM in category quickies
What's better, being retarded and happy, or being smart and miserable? For me, this is an easy question.
It's when my brain makes too much sense, that's when my heart speaks up and settles the matter.
Eating at the haunted Burger King, then going to Rich O's. Sound familiar?
For all of you girls out there who've been heartbroken lately, good news. KittenDamsel and I have agreed to discontinue whatever it was that we were doing.
People tell me I should be cruel right back. That that's the game she's chosen to play. Well I don't play fucking games with people's emotions.
Whether the outer beauty will fade before the inner ugliness renders it irrelevant. Both processes have begun. Which will win?
Being right about everything bad, and wrong about everything good.
I'm in a really weird mood tonight. Weird but good.
How the mighty have fallen
I can't help but think that three months ago I'd have been the first person asked, and then there'd have been no need for a second choice, or a third.
They're out of Gumballhead. Drinking Dead Guy instead. Hope it's not an omen.
Going to Jack's. At least there I can have a couple Gumballheads while I'm bored.
Playing online poker against real people for the first time. I hate real people.
That's the kind of word that will keep me up all night.
Sitting in my garage drinking a Fat Tire. I didn't go to Jack's. So there.
It's dead in here. I think somebody must have farted.
So often my advice has been, "Use your head," but always to others, never to myself. I've blindly followed my heart for years, and fuck anyone who's tried to advise me differently. Even myself. Especially myself.
I'm actually thinking clearly today. First time in months. Weird.
Going to the casino again. By myself this time.
Word of the day
Disalieved. Or maybe happitated.
Moerlein Christkindl
(bottle) Clear amber, with a whitish head that faded quickly. Surprising aroma of chocolate and molasses. Fizzy mouthfeel. Flavor of malts and spices. Clean finish. Not too bad.
HatGirl is coming here!
Honorable mention
TremensGirl yelled at me for not mentioning her, so I'm mentioning her now. So there.
Stupid hope, from a stupid heart...
There's a dude here with a dead raccoon on his head. Or maybe it's a wig. Either way, it looks ridiculous.
Belhaven Scottish Stout
(draft) Black with a nice creamy white head. Subdued aroma of malts and dark chocolate. Creamy mouthfeel. Very nice flavor, balanced between chocolate and licorice. A bit of a sharp tang at first, but a very smooth finish. Quite good.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
posted by dave at 1:40 PM in category ramblings

I remember writing something, a long time ago. It wasn't here in this blog, I don't think. I think it was somewhere else. Somewhere that no longer exists.

There's a lot of that going around these days.

I went, in an instant, from feeling useful to feeling used, from feeling needed to feeling taken advantage of. That instant is when it happened. It was a Monday night when the walls of my false reality crumbled and crashed at my feet. March 23rd, 2009.

I lived in a place of hope, and dreams, and love. But it was all a lie.

I worry about the things I'll write when I feel like I have nothing left to lose. I wonder why I don't feel that way already. Perhaps there are still lies waiting to crumble.

posted by dave at 4:05 AM in category general

Go here and read it.

Saturday, June 13, 2009
posted by dave at 7:01 PM in category ramblings

I'm sure it doesn't seem like that big of a deal, to anyone close enough to me to know what's going on, or I guess what went on would be more accurate. These hypothetical friends and theoretical stalkers heard or read my tale, and they probably yawned a little.

Well, I was there. And I didn't fucking yawn.

It's all about context, see. One person's distraction can be another person's reason for living.

And now, those same friends and stalkers would probably expect me to be angry today, having been ever-so-briefly shown the light, only to be (apparently) thrust again into darkness.

Perhaps, soon, I will be angry again. But not today. Today, I'm mesmerized by the afterimages of what I saw.

posted by dave at 11:08 AM in category ramblings

I've got this annoying urge to write something this morning. I just feel like I should write something. Shit happens, and I write about it. That's the way it's supposed to work.

Well, some shit happened. And, like I said, I feel like I should write about it.

But I don't want to, at least not until I figured out exactly what happened. And definitely not until I figure out if it was a good thing or not.

I guess I can say that I don't think I'm as sad as I was a couple of days ago, and a couple of weeks ago, and a couple of months ago, and a couple of years ago. At least, I don't think I am. I dunno. Maybe I'm worse.

Oooh! I just thought of something!

There's a tornado inside my head!

So there.

Friday, June 12, 2009
posted by dave at 1:52 PM in category comics

I love that movie

posted by dave at 1:29 PM in category comics

a French accent might help

Thursday, June 11, 2009
posted by dave at 5:53 PM in category pictures, quickies
Somebody remind me to send back my damn Netflix movies. I bet I've had them for three weeks.
Of course I care. Even if it's not allowed, and even if it's not believed, I still care.
I'm putting a new tip on my cue. First time in years. It's oddly calming.
Oh the humanity
So my sister bought a car, then changed her mind at the last minute because it didn't have heated seats.
Die die die
The music they're playing at Sportstime today makes me want to kill whitey.
The cruelest thing she ever did was to be nice to me.
Having lunch with HatGirl!
Sometimes, understanding is overrated. Sometimes, simply knowing that someone you care about is hurting is enough. Sometimes, I really miss my mom. She wouldn't understand any of this, but that wouldn't matter.
I'm scared of the things I might write in my blog, if I ever truly give up and decide that there's nothing left to lose.
Sometimes I wish I could take it all back, but I can't. I can't take any of it back. Because it was all the truth, and because it all needed to be said.
Doing a quick job for a company in Paris. Unfortunately, I'm doing it from home. Going to Paris would be cool, I think. It might be far enough away.
I should have brought my new laptop here. I'm in a writey mood.
It's raining like crazy.
I'm wondering. If we ever manage to fix this, will we be angry at ourselves for wasting all this time? I think that I will be.
I went to bed at 10:30, and got up at 8:00.
I wish I could sing. Some emotions need song, because spoken words aren't enough.
I haven't bothered to shave since Saturday morning. I don't know why. This server girl at Sportstime just told me I look grizzled. I'm not sure if that's good or bad.
So funny I forgot to laugh
Tonight I'm finding myself amused by the irony.
The camera on my blackberry is indeed broken.
KittenDamsel and I, at night, in a cave
Screw it
Can't sleep. Going to Rich O's.
What a good time we had. Now I'm back home and so it's time to be sad again.
We've watched this dude spend at least $70 on drinks for this girl, and now he's finally leaving with her. He probably could have handed her a $5 and gotten the same result.
It was a good idea to come up here. I think we're drunk, though.
Taking over
According to a recent poll, there are four guys named "Dave" sitting in a row at The Cock & Bull.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
posted by dave at 11:45 AM in category ramblings

The last few times that I've awakened so suddenly and been unable to get back to sleep, it's been a little different. The last few times, I've known exactly what it was that woke me up.

Either a stray thought, or a snippet of a dream, about the one person in all this who is truly innocent. I have my thought or my dream-snippet, and it latches onto my brain and simply will not let go. Its claws grab hold and, for minutes or hours, my brain simply isn't capable of any other thought.

Maybe this is progress, this knowing. Hard to tell, maybe this is just the eye of the storm.

I'm not sure. It feels better to know, even though these thoughts keep me just as awake as all of the unknown torment did before it. At least this is reasonable. At least this is expected. At least this is normal.

I think that the thing is, out of all the anger and the sadness and the longing that I've done, there's one thing that I don't think anyone could begrudge me for doing.

I miss that kid, and it's perfectly reasonable for me to do so. If I didn't miss him, I don't think I'd be human.

posted by dave at 8:09 AM in category daily, drink, travel

So Sunday morning I found myself afflicted with a bad case of wanderlust. I didn't really know where I wanted to go, I just knew it had to be somewhere that wasn't New Albany. I looked at Nashville and Indianapolis and even Chicago, but eventually decided on Covington. It's not a big city, but it's got everything I need, especially distance from home.

I called KittenDamsel and invited her along. She declined, saying she'd had a long night. Then she said she might drive up there and meet me. I took this as "No way am I going to Covington" because that's how my brain works. Oh well. More beer for me then.

First thing I needed to do, however, was buy a laptop. I'll need this for when I travel, whether it's for work or play. When my former employer eliminated my position, they had the nerve to take their company-owned laptop back. Imagine that. So I stopped at Best Buy, looked at their selection, and bought an el-cheapo Compaq that would suit my meager needs. Thusly armed, I drove to Covington. It's only a two-hour drive.

After I'd arrived, and updated RockGirl with my location - RockGirl knows everything about my life - I settled into my usual Covington routine. I checked into the Holiday Inn, threw my shit into the room, and walked across the street to Skyline Chili for lunch. Yummy. Then I walked up to The Cock & Bull for a couple pints of yummy Moerlein OTR (463). While I was there, drinking my beer and watching a baseball game on TV, KittenDamsel called and said she was on her way. Yay!

I had some time to kill, so I went back to the hotel and messed with my new laptop for a while until KittenDamsel arrived. She wanted to hear polka music for some stupid reason, so we drove over to the Hofbrauhaus in nearby Newport and had dinner. I don't like that place. Not only is it too loud, it's too loud with polka music. The food was good, though.

After dinner, we walked across this purple bridge spanning the Ohio River, and dicked around there for a while. Then we drove back to the hotel, parked, and walked up to the MainStrasse area where all the bars are. After that the night got a little blurry. I know that I had three more OTRs (523) and a couple Newcastles (13818) as we walked around to various bars and clubs. It was a nice warm night, but not too warm. It was almost perfect, in fact. Especially the company. We drank too much, but neither of us got sick, so that was good.

Monday morning we were both a little hung-over. Not surprising. What was surprising was that KittenDamsel wanted to go to King's Island, a local amusement park. She'd already called in sick, and I certainly didn't have any reason come home right away, so to King's Island we went.

This was the first time I'd been there since I was 14 or so. It's much bigger now, and maybe not as crowded, and there were no dinosaurs to be seen. It was a fun few hours, except for that last roller coaster that went upside-down and made me queasy.

It was a really nice time up there. I'm really glad that I went, and I'm really glad that KittenDamsel could make it. She almost managed to distract me from thoughts of LaptopGirl. Almost. And I think I almost managed to distract her from thoughts of her ex-boyfriend. Almost.

It was kinda weird to spend all that time with her and then have to drive home separately, but oh well.

Oh yeah, I also bought a case of OTR and brought it home. So that gives me something to look forward to.

Monday, June 8, 2009
posted by dave at 5:38 PM in category daily

I can't remember ever being so tired, even last week with all of the ridiculous insomnia.

We had quite a fun weekend, if I do say so myself, and I do say so. But wow am I tired now.

In fact, I think I'm too tired to think straight, left alone write anything.

One thing I did want to say, though, is that when you get motion sickness from a roller coaster, and then you almost immediately get into your truck and drive for two hours, that motion sickness stays with you for the entire drive. It's not as much fun as I make it seem.

And the other weird thing is that I still don't feel like we're a couple. Probably because we're not a couple. Too much baggage on both sides.

Sunday, June 7, 2009
posted by dave at 3:43 PM in category quickies
Let's end these bullshit games. Just end them. This offer expires in 40 years.
The truth is, it would have been fantastic. Deny it if you want, but you're fooling nobody, not even youself.
That seems to be my philosophy for today. Whatever. Nothing else I can do or say. Whatever.
NotHideousGirl is here. She looks cute in her pigtails. I'll see if she'll let me take a picture.
Yippee ki-yay?
Interview went well. I may need to get fitted for a cowboy hat, though. And of course I can't sleep, so I'll go to Bearno's and have a sedative.
When did it become a bad thing?
That some people will allow themselves to be force-fed opinions, and they won't believe their own hearts.
With OddlyFamiliarGirl. NotHideousGirl is late. HatGirl isn't coming. Neither is KittenDamsel.
Got caught up on my sleep, so that's good. My schedule is still upside-down, that's not as good.
I'm at Denny's again.
Maybe a storm coming
Small part of crowd
There are millions of people here.
I like it when I allow myself to get angry. Especially when it's well-deserved, and more especially when that anger isn't directed at myself. I should do this more often.
There's a guy here at Rich O's drinking a Samuel Smith Imperial Stout straight out of the bottle.
Just what I needed
After a horrendous series of flakes and unflakes, I got to have dinner at Polly's Freeze with HatGirl. Yay!
McDonald's has these new brownie melt thingies. I could die now they're so good.
It may be time to consider drugs.
Right now, it's not what people think. Right now, it's much more understandable. And much less noble.
I'm in my garage now, drinking a Barfly. It's a little chilly, and I don't like it. The weather, I mean. The chilly Barfly is quite good.
I'd forgotten about the Thursday weirdoes. They suck.
Rich O's
Going there for a while. I think HatGirl is mad at me, so a beer is definitely needed.
I slept three whole hours. Whoop-de-do.
So very tired.
posted by dave at 3:13 AM in category daily, drink

It was a good day. Long, but good. Started at about 4:00 this morning at Denny's, and ending I hope very soon.

I was supposed to have Indian food with HatGirl, but she wasn't feeling well. I was disappointed about not getting to see HatGirl, but I hadn't been particularly looking forward to Indian food, so I guess it all worked out.

Problem was, I'd gotten myself all motivated to leave my house, and so I had to come up with some other reason to do so. I tried to book a hotel room in Covington. I was going to surprise KittenDamsel with an invitation because we were supposed to go there last weekend. But Covington was all booked up. I tried three hotels and there were no rooms available in any of them.

Next I tried to just book a room at the local hotel/casino, but they were booked, too.


We ended up going down to the casino anyway. We did some gambling - I managed to turn $100 into about $105 playing blackjack - and we stuffed ourselves silly at the buffet. I was disappointed that their Asian noodle salad wasn't on the buffet today, but their Asian meatballs were, so I stuffed myself on those and kung pao chicken and moo goo gai pan. KittenDamsel had fish, because she's boring and stuff.

There was also beer consumed at their Legends bar. I had some Newcastles (13774) and she had some swill, because she's boring and stuff.

Later, what was supposed to be an hour long nap somehow turned into an almost six-hour nap. We have no idea how that happened. KittenDamsel was extremely late in meeting her friends, and I was extremely behind in my phone-glaring quota for the night.

So we parted company. I went to Rich O's and, after I'd glared at my phone for an hour, felt better. The Marzen (11568) didn't hurt matters either. It was quite crowded at Rich O's, survivors from some beer thingy they'd had in Clarksville. Most of the regulars were there, and some of the irregulars. I didn't really talk to anyone except NotHideousGirl and UPSDude.

After Rich O's closed, I came home. I've been glaring at my phone ever since, so I think I've satisfied my quota. Tomorrow it starts over again.

Saturday, June 6, 2009
posted by dave at 12:57 AM in category ramblings

I can't help but wonder, When am I going to say that enough is enough?

When will I stop? When will I give up?

It's the most annoying thing, being so stubborn and blind, and knowing that I'm being stubborn and blind, and relishing in it because the alternatives are unacceptable.

My eyes are wide open, and still I don't see. Still I cannot see. Still I refuse to see.

When will I stop? When will I give up?

When will I die?

This is not a life. This is a death. Prolonged and stretched almost to the point of indiscernability, but a death nonetheless.


Thursday, June 4, 2009
posted by dave at 5:44 PM in category quiz

This was on HatGirl's facebook page. I'm bored. Here you go:

Think back to June, who were you in a relationship with?

What are some things you do when you're mad?
Write. Drink. Shoot pool.

How's your mood?
Today it's mostly numb. And tired, as always.

When is the last time you saw number 2 on your top friends?
Hmmm, I only have the one facebook friend, and my number two friend on myspace is someone I've never seen in person. Next question, please.

When was the last time you wanted to punch someone in their face?
I'm not like that.

Honestly, if you could go back and change something in the past 5 months would you?
Without a doubt.

Three hours ago, were you touching a person of the opposite sex?

Where did you get the shirt you are wearing?
Hard Rock in Cleveland.

Did you kiss or hug anyone today?
Not yet.

What are you listening to right now?

Where were you at midnight last night?
In my basement shooting pool.

Does anybody hate you?

Did anyone yell at you today?

Are you happier now or three months ago?
Three months ago. Feels like a million years ago.

Is there something you're looking forward to this month?
I'd like to get my swing fixed.

Are you texting anybody?
Not at the moment. Most of my texts are with HatGirl or OddlyFamiliarGirl.

Are you a jealous person?
I have my moments.

Has anyone said they love you today?
Not that I know of.

What is your favorite color?
Blue I guess.

What color are your eyes?

Do you think you have made a difference in anyone's life?
I'm certain of it. Usually, I hope, the difference has been for the good.

Whose car were you in last?
Besides my own, I think it was probably HatGirl's car.

Whats the wallpaper on your cellphone?
Nothing at the moment.

Where do you think your number 1 is right now?
It's HatGirl. She's probably on her way home from work.

Think back to yesterday, what were you doing around this time?

Do you believe that love lasts forever?
Yes. This is not necessarily a good thing.

Do you like fruity or minty gum?
Fruity I guess.

Do you prefer to shower at night or in the morning?
When I wake up.

Are you taller than 5'5?

Will this weekend be a good one?
Don't know. I'm guessing not.

Does anyone call you babe or baby?
Not that I know of.

What is today's date?
June 4th.

How often do you listen to music?
When I'm driving.

Did you cry today?
Nope. Me big strong man. Me no cry.

Do you trust all your friends?
Some more than others.

Who's hoodie did you wear last?
Don't know that I've ever worn a hoodie.

Is there anyone who understands your relationship status?
RockGirl understands.

What are you doing tomorrow?
Have an interview with a consulting firm, then I'm hoping to have lunch with HatGirl.

Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 months from now?
I don't think so.

When you say you don't care, do you mean it?

Do you know anyone with the same name as you?
First name, yes. Last name, yes. Entire name, no.

Do you hate the last guy/girl you were talking to?

What makes you happiest?
Not applicable.

If you could move to Africa would you?
I'd go for a long visit, but not permanently.

How has this weekend been?
It's Thursday. Last weekend was just okay.

When is your birthday?
February 20.

Is your hair naturally curly or straight?
Mostly straight.

Do you try hard in school?
I didn't have to try.

Do you look more like your mom or dad?
My mom.

When's the next time you will talk to the person you like?

Where did your last hug take place?
HatGirl's porch.

Have you ever done something you promised yourself you wouldn't?
Too many times.

Be honest, who texted you last?
OddlyFamiliarGirl, asking if I wanted to meet at Rich O's.

This time last year, who did you like?

Do you think anyone has feelings for you?

Do you have feelings for anyone?

Who was the last person you cried in front of?
It's been a while. I think I might have almost cried when I finally told LaptopGirl how I felt about her.

Have you ever been called heartless?
I don't know if that particular word has been used to describe me.

Has anyone ever told you they loved you, and you didn't believe them?
Not that I can remember.

Do you like late night phone conversations?
Yes. StupidGirl and I used to have them al the time.

Think of the person who has hurt you the most in the past year, who is it?

Have you heard a song that reminds you of someone today?
Don't know that I've heard any music today.

Did you dance today?

Who was the last person that called you?
Some dude about a job interview. Before that, HatGirl.

Who did you last tell that you were gonna hurt them?
I'm not like that. Probably when I was a kid I said something like that to someone.

What's the last thing that bothered you?
This stupid insomnia I've been having.

Would you change yourself for someone else?
I think it just happens.

Have you ever experienced a crazy ex?
Not sure that I'd call any of my exes crazy.

Do you like to cuddle?

Will you be sleeping alone tonight?
Most likely.

Do you like the person you are becoming?
Nope, I suck.

Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months or more?

You're thinking about someone, aren't you?
Of course.

Did you say "fuck" today?
Probably to the bartender at Bearno's while we were watching tennis on TV.

Who was the last person you rode in a car with?
KittenDamsel sometime last week.

Who was the last person or people you ate with?
DoableGirl this morning.

What was the last beverage you drank?
Drinking a glass of water right now.

What is something you really want right now?
To get my sleep schedule back to normal.

Do you ever wonder how other people see you?
All the time.

Honestly, do you really love the last person you said I love you to?
Without a doubt.

What is your opinion on the movie Twilight?
Never saw it.

Do you have freckles?
A few.

What does the last text in your inbox say?
OMW (OddlyFamiliarGirl saying she was coming to Rich O's)

If there was one person you could push of a cliff who would it be?
I'm not like that.

Do you always answer your phone?

I dare you to tell why you kissed the last person you kissed?
Because she's hot.

Are you shy?
Not particularly.

Its four in the morning and you get a text message, who is it?
Not sure why, but a text at that hour, as opposed to a phone call, and I think it would be LaptopGirl. And then I'd have a heart attack.

posted by dave at 7:50 AM in category comics


posted by dave at 7:24 AM in category daily, ramblings

I'm at Denny's early today, or maybe I'm here late last night. Whatever, it's 3:49 right now, so it's something fucked up.

It's very crowded here right now. And LOUD. At least 90% of the noise is coming from the corner booth, and at least 99% of that noise is coming from one person, a somewhat round girl who I shall call Loudy McLoudandfat. Her cackling is threatening to liquefy my bones. That would be gross.

The remaining 10% of the noise, itself almost ear-splitting, emanates from a group of guys dorks playing some kind of trivia game at the center table. I'm fairly certain that sexual favors are being wagered, and that they don't really care who wins the game, because they'll all get to "win" later in the parking lot. Hint hint wink wink.

And finally, over in the corner, is an old guy, as quiet as I am and probably as miserable as I am because of these auditory assailants.

My plan, such as it was, was to come here and scribble out a quick entry, then have breakfast with DoableGirl. My plan, such as it was, did not include arriving at 3:45 in the flipping morning. So now I've got to improvise. I've got at least another hour to kill, and I don't know if I've got an hour's worth of words inside me, straining to escape. I guess I'll find out.

It's hard to stay in a writey mood in this place. Usually it's too quiet. Sometimes, like this morning, it's too loud. It's weird, though, that I can sit in a bar and write for hours but in this place even 15 minutes seems too long. It's not that different from a bar.

Anyway, earlier tonight I was thinking about my readers. Not any of my specific readers, but my readers in general. My generic readers.

Some of you people have stuck with me for years. Out of habit, possible, the inertia of interest that's long since faded. Or maybe that's not fair. Maybe there's still genuine interest out there somewhere, a curiosity, perhaps, about what exactly the fuck happened.

Those readers, the curious ones, are owed something. There's a debt there. There's always been an unspoken agreement. I write about my life, and people read it. Well, I haven't been holding up my end of the bargain lately, and I know it. The more that people read my irrelevant drivel, the more into the red I sink.

I fear, however, that this is a debt which will never be repaid in full. There are too many things about which I simply cannot write. Too many feelings to be hurt, too many fingers to point, and too much blame to assign.

See, this blog isn't about me, and it hasn't been about me for a very long time. It's been about something else. A feeling or a desire or a question or an answer, all intertwined and all pervasive. Everything that I wrote was about that. Everything, even if it didn't seem that way to those of you reading. And now it's got too stop. It's become just too damn intense.

Luckily, this blog is no longer about that thing at all. Now, it's about trying to survive even as I wonder if I want to survive.

And, as long as I'm being forthcoming, nothing I've written has been written for me, or for you generic readers out there in Internetland. Nope, all of it, every single word that I've written in the last half-decade, has been written to and for one very specific reader. A reader who is probably wondering, as she reads this sentence, "Is he talking about me?"

Of course I am, silly girl. And that also has to stop. Again, way too intense.

Now, where was I going with all this drivel?

Doesn't matter, because my date is here. It's about time. I'm starving.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009
posted by dave at 11:37 PM in category ramblings

I'm such a damn hypocrite sometimes. Like when I claim to not believe in fate except regarding this one tiny thing, and regarding this one tiny thing I base years of my life on faith that it's meant to be.

Make up your damn mind, Dave.

So here's the deal. Maybe I've been wrong. Maybe I've been wrong about fate, and maybe I've been wrong about this one tiny thing. Maybe it's all been random, or existing only in my head, or maybe there is fate, and what's happened is exactly what fate had in store for me.

It's a tough pill to swallow, being wrong. Wrong about a life. Wrong about a love. Just flat-out wrong about the only thing that has ever mattered to me. The only thing that, I fear, will ever matter to me.

So, having accepted the possibility that I've been wrong, what am I supposed to do about it?

Nothing. Not a damn thing.

Wait to die, or maybe wait to live. Maybe I've been right, and I just need even more patience, and maybe I've been wrong, and patience is irrelevant. It doesn't matter. All that matters is that I do nothing, because that's what she wants from me right now.


And I hope that others will follow my example. There's been too much meddling and too much drama already.

It's time for peace to prevail.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009
posted by dave at 7:05 AM in category daily

I'm at Denny's again this morning. I guess it's becoming a habit, though I hope it's a short-lived one. I'd much rather be sleeping, you know, like a normal person.

I came here hoping, after I'd eaten, to write something good, but I ended up eating breakfast with DoableGirl and that seems to have disrupted the flow of whatever creative juices I possess.

Oh well.

Pretty girls should always take priority.

Monday, June 1, 2009
posted by dave at 11:55 PM in category pictures, quickies
Let's end these bullshit games. Just end them. This offer expires in 40 years.
The truth is, it would have been fantastic. Deny it if you want, but you're fooling nobody, not even youself.
That seems to be my philosophy for today. Whatever. Nothing else I can do or say. Whatever.
NotHideousGirl is here. She looks cute in her pigtails. I'll see if she'll let me take a picture.
Yippee ki-yay?
Interview went well. I may need to get fitted for a cowboy hat, though. And of course I can't sleep, so I'll go to Bearno's and have a sedative.
When did it become a bad thing?
That some people will allow themselves to be force-fed opinions, and they won't believe their own hearts.
With OddlyFamiliarGirl. NotHideousGirl is late. HatGirl isn't coming. Neither is KittenDamsel.
Got caught up on my sleep, so that's good. My schedule is still upside-down, that's not as good.
I'm at Denny's again.
Maybe a storm coming
Small part of crowd
There are millions of people here.
I like it when I allow myself to get angry. Especially when it's well-deserved, and more especially when that anger isn't directed at myself. I should do this more often.
There's a guy here at Rich O's drinking a Samuel Smith Imperial Stout straight out of the bottle.
Just what I needed
After a horrendous series of flakes and unflakes, I got to have dinner at Polly's Freeze with HatGirl. Yay!
McDonald's has these new brownie melt thingies. I could die now they're so good.
It may be time to consider drugs.
Right now, it's not what people think. Right now, it's much more understandable. And much less noble.
I'm in my garage now, drinking a Barfly. It's a little chilly, and I don't like it. The weather, I mean. The chilly Barfly is quite good.
I'd forgotten about the Thursday weirdoes. They suck.
Rich O's
Going there for a while. I think HatGirl is mad at me, so a beer is definitely needed.
I slept three whole hours. Whoop-de-do.
So very tired.
posted by dave at 1:50 AM in category daily

Remember when the glaciers covered all of the land that would someday become Canada, and a lot of the land that would someday become the United States?

Well, right after those glaciers retreated Northward, back to where they belonged, that was the last time I talked to MixedSignalGirl.

Until tonight.

That was exactly what I needed.

mysterious gray box mysterious blue box mysterious red box mysterious green box mysterious gold box

search main 'blog





Search word(s)
   help me!

blog favorites

the convenience of grief
merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily
nothing personal
the one
dream sweet dreams for me
the willow bends and so do i
on bloodied ground
lack of inertia
thinning the herd
or maybe not
here's looking at you
what i miss
who wants to play?
feverish thoughts
the devil inside?
my cat ate my homework
don't say i didn't warn you
my god, it's full of stars
hold on a second, koko, i'm writing something
you know?
apples and oranges
happy new year
pissing on the inside
remembering dad

Creative Commons License
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons License.