Tonight I took two stupid surveys on facebook. Here's the first one:

What is you're name?
Duh.

Age?
Yes.

What color hair do you have?
Blonde with a little gray.

What nationailty are you?
U.S.

What are you doing this weekend?
I have no idea.

Ever laughed so hard you cried?!
Yes.

How's your day so far?
Long.

What are you wearing?
Clothes.

What is your best friends name?
HatGirl.

Single or Taken?
Given, but not taken.

Ever been out of the country?
Yes.

What was the last thing you laughed at?
I can't remember.

What was the last thing you cried about?
Same thing as always.

Special Talents?
I can shoot pool pretty well.

What color eyes do you have?
Blue.

When's your birthday?
February 20.

Any siblings?
Two sisters, both younger.

What's behind you?
A lot of years.

What color is youre shirt right now?
Graye.

Who was the last person you shared a kiss with? (Ever have ur 1st Kiss?)
None of your business. (Yes)

What is to the left of you?
A wall.

What is to the right of you?
These questions are stupid. There's a bed to my right, okay?

Any plans for tonight?
Nope.

Should you be doing something right now, instead of taking this survey?
Slitting my wrists would be more fun.

Who do you love the most?
She knows who she is.

Do you hate anyone?
Yes.

What is youre biggest fear?
It's either giving up, or not giving up. It fluctuates.

The last person you held hands with....what is youre relationship with them now?
Hmmm, probably SneakyGirl. We're friendly exes.

Did you like this survey even one bit?
Not at all. I'm going to have to take another one to wash away the taste of this one.

This was the second stupid survey:

What is your favorite hobby?
Shooting pool.

If you have a force of habbit what is it?
Spelling words correctly.

What is your favorite TV show?
I think Lost.

What is your favorite quote?
"A witty saying proves nothing." - Voltaire

What is your favorite movie?
I don't think I could pick just one.

If your a child what do you want to be when you grow up?
I'm not a child.

Whose your best friend?
HatGirl.

Are you friendly or are you unfriendly?
I'm a dick.

Do you like Twilight or Harry Potter?
Neither one especially. I've never seen the former.

Do you like drama, comedy,or scary.
Comedies, I think.

Whichever one you picked what do you like about it movies, books,(etc.)
This survey sucks, too.

What is your religion?
Not applicable. Was raised Methodist.

If your an adult what is your career?
Computer consultant.

What is your favorite cartoon?
Pink Panther.

How old are you?
Enough.

Are you scared of anything?
Spiders and bees.

Do you like wrestling?
Doing it, no. Watching it, I used to be a fan.

Are you interested in crime TV shows?
I like some of them.

Did you like this survey?
It was almost as stupid as the last survey I took.

What would you do if you found out one of your friends likes your crush?
Murder them, of course.

Will the last person you kissed be the next person you kiss?
I doubt it, but I suppose it's possible.

Have you ever kissed an ex after you two have broken up?
I have. Sometimes it's meant that we were getting back together, but sometimes it's just been a friendly kiss.

Ever kept arguing even after you realized you were wrong?
I can't remember doing that. I don't think so. This also presupposes that I’ve been wrong.

If a girl kisses another girl are they a dirty hoe?
It depends on whether said girls are hot or not.

Why do you hate the person you hate the most?
Because he mistreated someone very important to me, and constantly made her blame herself for every problem between them.

When you say you don't care do you mean it?
When I say it, I mean it. It's just that sometimes I change my mind later, and start caring again.

When meeting someone new, are you afraid they won't like you?
Not really.

Has anyone ever told you they loved you and meant it?
Yes.

Have you ever liked someone older than you?
I dated a girl 14 months older than me once. I'm not sure if that's enough of a difference to count.

Is heartbreak really as bad as people make it sound?
It's much worse than people make it sound, because mere words cannot describe it.

Do you believe in love at first sight?
Absolutely. I didn't always believe in it, though. I think maybe it's one of those things that has to be experienced to be believed.

Do you regret anything that you've done in your past?
I'm old. Of course I've done things that I regret.

Do you think you can love someone without trusting them?
Unfortunately, you can. Love is a feeling, not an action.

Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?
I think it would be very cool.

Are you generally a happy person?
I'd have to say no. This has not been a good year for me.

Do you hate it when people smoke around you?
I couldn't care less. Except clove cigarettes make me really hungry.

Which would you rather choose truth or dare while playing "truth or dare"?
Truth, I think.

Is there one person in your life that can always make you smile?
There are a couple. I won't get to see either of them for a while, though, so I probably won’t smile for a while.

Have you kissed anybody in the last 5 days?
Nope.

Have you ever sent a text to the wrong person?
I don't think so. I've emailed the wrong person several times, though.

Would you rather sleep with someone else or alone?
With the right person.

Will this Friday be a good one?
I have no idea.

Do you think age matters in relationships?
To some people it matters a lot. Not to me, though.

Have you ever lived with a girlfriend/ boyfriend?
Yes.

Are you stubborn?
I like to think that I am, but I cave a lot.

Did anything "cute" happen in the last week?
Not that I can think of.

Is there anybody you wish you could spend time with right now?
Yes, but I can’t, and that makes me sad.

Have you ever broken someone's heart?
I have. That's one of those regrets you asked about earlier.

What's something you really regret saying to someone?
Usually the truth, when I say it too harshly or realize, too late, that they're not ready to accept it.

Who was the last person you shared a bed with?
None of your business.

Now for the "Have you ever's" ready?
As I'll ever be.

Fell asleep in the arms of the opposite sex?
Certainly.

Ever physically fought with a member of the opposite sex?
When I was a kid I was mean to my sister.

Ever walked in on your friends having sex?
Nope, came close though.

Ever sang to the person you liked?
Sure, like happy birthday and stuff like that.

Do you believe ex's can be friends?
Friendly acquaintances, yes, but maybe not friends.

Where was the last place you fell asleep other than your bed?
Someone's couch.

What is/are your favorite color/s?
Like anyone cares.

Are you a shy person?
In a group I'm usually the quiet one. In one-on-one situations I'm not shy at all.

What are you excited for?
Going home.

Do you have memories that you want to forget?
Just a couple.

If you could cry right now, what would be the reason?
Same thing as always. Missing someone.

Are you happy?
You already asked this. And I already said that I wasn't. Get off my back.

Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 months from now?
I continue to have hope, for some stupid reason. Stranger things have happened.

Are you afraid to answer sexual questions?
Not really. But I noticed that you don’t ask any. Maybe you’re afraid to ask sexual questions, huh?

Do you hate seeing happy couples?
They usually inspire me.

If you went to jail, who would bail you out?
I'd call my sisters, and if I couldn’t contact one of them I’d call HatGirl.

How tall are you?
Almost 5'9"

When was the last time you were actually happy?
Monday night I talked to LaptopGirl on the phone and wished her a happy birthday.

Will you talk to the person you like tonight?
I doubt it. It would be cool, though. *hint hint*

How long does it take you in the morning to fix your hair?
About 10 seconds.

Do you have a good relationship with your mother?
I did, before she died.

Have you ever passed out on the bathroom floor?
Apparently, when I was about 15. At least, I woke up on the bathroom floor. I have no idea how I got there.

Would you rather love one person or have many short relationships?
Love one person but have the experience to make it work. (I liked this answer so I stole it from HatGirl.)

Have you ever wondered how they make lines in toothpaste?
I always assumed it was black magic.

Do you ever feel curious about how people see you?
Sure.

Have you ever broken a couple up?
There have been times when I probably didn't help matters much.

When is the next time you will kiss someone?
I have no idea.

Who was your crush in 5th grade?
This girl named Cathy.

What is your biggest fear about making a total commitment to someone?
Lopsidedness.

Have you ever suspected anyone cheating on you?
Yes. I was right.

Do you remember who you liked on New Years?
Of course.

What did you do this past New Year's?
LaptopGirl and I went to this dive in Corydon and met up with Tim and Wendy.

Are you someone who worries too often?
I sometimes worry about worrying too much. Does that answer your question?

Could things possibly get any better?
They absolutely could.

What should you be doing right now?
Petting my cats.

Have you consumed alcohol in the past 24 hours?
Yes, after work last night.

Have you ever been in a situation where you had to be around your ex everyday?
Maybe kinda.

Have you ever been in a car accident?
A few. Some I've even caused. None really serious, though.

What are you listening to right now?
My keyboard.

If you could have something right now, what would it be?
I'm about to go smoke a cigarette.

Do you think if you died, that the last person you kissed would even care?
I think she'd be sad, but not devastated.

Let me guess, your last incoming call was from the opposite sex?
Yes, StupidGirl called me last night.

Have you ever kissed anyone whose name started with an S?
I'll have to think about that. I'm drawing a blank. Maybe not.

Do you have anything that belongs to an ex boyfriend/girlfriend?
I have one of Amy’s CDs. And some of SneakyGirl’s clothes I think.

You just took 15 shots of vodka, what are you doing?
Dying and/or vomiting, or at least wishing I were dying and/or vomiting.

Do you have a bestfriend of the opposite sex?
HatGirl! Yay!

Is there a difference between "I love you" and "I'm in love with you?"
There is. What weird timing on this question!

Have you ever turned to drinking or smoking to solve a problem?
Not to solve a problem, but to make it more bearable.

Do you believe in second chances?
I'll give a zillion chances to the right people.

Do you currently have a hickey?
Not that I know of.

Has anyone told you they don't wanna ever lose you?
Yes. I believed them.

Do you want to get married and have children one day?
I do, but I don't really see it happening.

Are you an alcoholic?
Contrary to some peoples' belief, I'm not.

Does anyone call you babe or baby?
Not to my face.

Do you want to please everyone?
No, almost everyone sucks so I don’t care about pleasing them.

Is there any emotion you're trying to avoid right now?
Yes. Two of them, in fact.

Do you like beer?
Duh. I'm a beer snob. That means I'll make fun of you if I catch you drinking swill.

When's the next time you will be getting piercings?
Right after hell freezes over.

Do you feel like anyone is playing mind games with you right now?
I'm almost certain of it. It’s the most logical explanation.

Would you consider yourself very flexible?
I'm open-minded enough to at least consider and try new things.

Are you the kind of person who has crazy mood swings?
I'm gonna say no.

How long is it until your birthday?
Three months.

How many baby showers have you been to?
None.

Where do you want to live?
I don't care. It’s not about the place, it’s about the people you’re with.

How many times a day do you crack your neck?
None. I crack my knuckles a lot, though.

Have you ever painted a room?
Does a hallway count?

What's better: cookie dough or brownie batter?
I wouldn't know, as I’ve never been a woman experiencing PMS.

What made you laugh the hardest today?
Haven't laughed today.

What's one thing you'd like to know about your future?
Have I been wasting my time?

Do you hate it when people play their music too loud?
I can't stand it.

Can you go a day without thinking about the person that's on your mind now?
I can't go more than 10 seconds without thinking about her.

Have you ever liked someone you didn't expect to?
Sure have.

Are you a jealous person?
I suppose so.

Have you cried this week at all?
Me strong man. Me no cry.

Are there some songs you can't listen to because they remind you of someone?
There are a couple of songs that I'd prefer not to hear.

Did you sleep alone last night?
Yes. *sniff*

Finish the sentence, school....
...was a long time ago.

Has anyone put their arms around you in the past 5 days?
Nope. *sniff*

Will you be sleeping alone tonight?
That's the plan.

So this morning, on the news, they showed Mt. Rainier. I wish I could have seen it in person, but when I went outside I couldn’t find it. Maybe you can’t see it from Bellingham. And I still haven’t seen Mt. Baker, which is only 40 or so miles away. I’m hopeful, though, that I’ll get to see Mt. Rainier sometime over the next couple of days. I’ll definitely take a picture if I see it.

After work today I’m driving south for a couple of hours. Back to Kent, my old stomping grounds. I’ll go to my old bar and maybe run across some of my old friends. Then I’ll spend the night down there somewhere, and celebrate Thanksgiving with my old friend Gene. That should be nice.

Anyway, yesterday after work I went to this bar nearby. People at work had been telling me that they had good burgers. The burger I had was just okay. The fries were a little cold. And there were about 30 old people there. Not like a couple of weeks ago, at Bearno’s back home, when there were a bunch of people in there 50s or 60s. Nope, at this place yesterday everyone was at least 65, and a lot of them looked to be at least 80.

Besides the bartender, I was the youngest person there by at least 20 years.

It was quite creepy.

This is my 9th day here. I have 67 days to go. I wish I could hold my breath that long, but I can’t. I’m going to have to breathe, and I’m going to have to live. HatGirl is being a big help. I think she actually misses me. Me, of all people.

I hope I run into people I know in Kent tonight. More likely is that a lot of people will remember me, but I won’t have any idea who any of them are. I met a lot of people when I was running the pool league there. Most of them probably remember me, but the reverse isn’t true. It would be really cool to see Holly, but she doesn't work at my old bar anymore, so I don't know how to find her.

Oh, and there’s one girl who I hope I don’t run into. I’m crossing my fingers against that possibility.

...sixty-eight to go.

Today was fucked up. Everyone was gone from work. People I needed for information, or for authorization. But I dealt with it, because that's what I'm paid to do. Fix what I can fix, and document what I cannot fix. Plan and research and do my best to prepare for when I can do something that matters.

It was, mainly, a day of glaring for me. Externally, at my phone, and internally, at my heart.

I got so mad, for a while. There was no excuse for my anger, but neither was there any excuse for the source of my anger. So I guess it was balanced or some such crap.

Then my phone rang, and I wanted to live again.

So that was cool.

It's not right, and it's not wrong. It just is.

Happy birthday to LaptopGirl!

So many things have changed in the past year. For you, for me, for us. But the important things remain the same. The words I wrote last year on this date are now, and will forever be, true.

I'm so glad you were born, you sweet, sweet girl. The world is a much better place because you're in it.

I think I'm going to a new bar for dinner after work. New to me, I mean. It's next to where I work, and a couple of people have said they have good burgers. Maybe I'm craving a burger. I don't think I've had one on a month.

I need to find a place that feels right to me. I have this mental image of myself sitting at a bar and drinking and thinking. And also smoking, but in Washington I can't do that, so I've had to revise my image.

Anyway, I need to find a bar like that. Where I can just sit and drink and think. And glare at my phone, at least, Because glaring at the door wouldn't make much sense.

When I was in Las Vegas, I actually did glare at the entrance to whatever bar I happened to be in. That was more from overblown hope than from insanity. If I glared that any entrances up here, that would be pretty insane, I think. So I haven't done it. Yet.

Now I'm starving for a cheeseburger.

...and sixty-nine to go.

Seems like such a long time. An eternity. An eternal time and an infinite distance separate us. I wish with all my heart that those were the only things standing between us. Because the time will lessen and, in sixty-nine days, so will the distance. Both will eventually dwindle to zero, but we'll still be apart.

Anyway.

I don't think I did anything Wednesday or Thursday or Friday. Nothing except work and sleep and go to this one place called Boston's right up the road from my hotel. They have good beer, and great food. I could almost see myself hanging out there all the time, except it's a little too bright, and the people are just a little too focused on the sports constantly playing on the televisions. I could never completely fit in there, but it'll do in a pinch.

Wait, maybe it was Friday night that I went to this Slo Pitch bar. It was kind of a dive, but the weirdoes there were more like my kind of weirdoes.

And Saturday morning it was nice outside so I drove to Mt. Baker. At least I attempted to. It was cloudy, and I never did see that mountain. Still haven't, actually. And I wasn't going to climb to the top anyway, being dressed as I was and old as I am. But I did drive up a few thousand feet, well above the snowline. It was very pretty up there.

When I got back to Bellingham Saturday afternoon, it was raining again. So I just dicked around and checked out a couple of bars and a brewpub. Nothing special.

Then Sunday morning I drove to the water. The Northern end of Puget Sound. Once again, everything was all very pretty. It was very tempting, both Saturday and Sunday, to stop my car every few feet and take a picture. But I didn't do that. I just took a few pictures. Nothing obsessive.

Then Sunday afternoon I went to this Archer's Ale House place. They had a pretty good beer selection, and I talked to a fellow beer snob for an hour or so. He recommended about a dozen more places for me to visit while I'm in Western Washington.

And nobody cares. And I barely care myself.

Sixty-nine days to go...

...to my sister Dina!

Wish I could have been there for it.

Back when I started this thing - call it a blog or a journal, I don't really care - the purpose was very different than it's been lately. Back then, it was just something I did so that people (my sisters, mainly) would know that I had a life; that I didn't spend my life sitting in a dark closet, sucking my thumb and rocking fore and aft.

More recently, of course, this thing has been used primarily to whine about my life and the lack thereof.

Well, I'm not going to say that I'm not going to whine anymore. That would be a lie. I guarantee that I'll whine again, and probably sooner than later. But not tonight.

For the next 10 weeks, I'll be gone from that thing that I've been using instead of a life. I'm out of touch, despite the occasional email or text message, and I'm also out of sync. The three-hour difference in time zones sucks. It means that, for example, it's 10:00 PST as I type this in Bellingham, but back home all of the people I care about are already asleep.

I miss my friends and family, and I suppose that's to be expected.

Okay, a lot of people already know this. I'm leaving. I'm going to Bellingham, Washington, off all places, for ten weeks.

It's a work thing. I wish I knew more about it than that, but I really don't have any details. They looked at my resume, and asked me to get my ass up there.

I leave Tuesday morning, and I come back on the 30th of January. Maybe that doesn't seem like that long to some of you, but for me it's going to be an eternity.

Here are the things that I'm going to miss:

My sister Dina's birthday.
LaptopGirl's birthday.
Thanksgiving.
My Nephew Gehrid's birthday.
The Saturnalia beer festival at Rich O's.
OddlyFamiliarGirl's birthday.
HatGirl's 30th birthday. (This makes me saddest of all.)
Christmas Eve and Christmas.
New Year's Eve and New Year's Day.
And probably some other stuff that I can't think of right now.

Oooooh, but I'll be home for Groundhog Day, so that makes it all better. Not.

Today I'm just sad. I've been trying to get over it. I've been trying to conjure up even the tiniest smidgen of excitement about this. I've been unsuccessful. Maybe when it's inevitable, like when I'm on the plane Tuesday morning, I'll at least be able to accept it.

I hope it's a fun job. And I hope I have a good time, despite my misgivings.

Since I didn't do jack shit today to get ready, tomorrow I've got a bazillion things to do.

Right now I'm getting ready to go have dinner, with a girl I'm going to miss much more than I'm allowed. I hope I can snap out of this funk for a few hours. She needs cheer in her life.

Okay, I guess I'll type something while I wait for my heartbeat to return to normal.

If it ever does.

I was just in bed, replaying the events and conversations of the day. It was 3:20 AM.

My doorbell rang.

I stayed where I was. Trying to fool myself into thinking that I'd imagined it.

My doorbell rang again.

At first, I thought that perhaps it was one of my friends in trouble, or maybe some motorist with car trouble.

But, because my mind works the way it works, as I got out of bed and groped for some clothes, my thoughts raced back to a night over two years ago. I thought about how police had appeared at my sister's house in the middle of the night, and how they'd given her the worst news possible.

My doorbell rang again.

My heart rate doubled.

I went to the door and looked out the window.

A policeman, of course.

My heart rate redoubled.

The space between two rapid heartbeats saw the death of everyone I cared about, one after another.

"Police," the cop said to me when he saw me in the window.

"Duh," I thought.

"Hello?" I asked.

"I'm afraid..." he began.

My heart rate somehow managed to double again.

"...that you have a loose horse," he finished.

It took me a second.

I mean, what did a horse have to do with someone I loved being dead? Why was he wasting my time telling me about a horse? Was he trying to soften the blow? Or had this horse somehow killed HatGirl, or LaptopGirl, or one of my sisters?

Also, if my heart beat its way out of my chest and started hopping around on the floor, would I be able to catch it before one of my cats did?

Like I said, it took me a second. But I eventually figured it out. Because I'm smart and stuff.

"Oh," I said. "That's not my horse. It belongs to my neighbor. His driveway is right next to mine."

"I see," said the cop. "The house behind yours? Okay, sorry to have bothered you, sir."

"No problem," I replied. "It could have been a lot worse."

I feel like I should write something before I go, so I guess I will. I'm doing this under duress, though.

I don't want to go. I have unfinished business here.

I'll feel better when I get there. I always do. Except when I don't.

This should work. I can do this. I can get my shit done, and still have some time for a reasonable Saturday night, should such an opportunity arise. And my flight doesn't leave until 11:35 tomorrow morning, so I can do the last-minute packing and stuff right before I leave.

Today, I've been doing laundry and dishes. I'm actually almost done with those things. Then I'll probably run a vacuum over my floors, and just make sure that everything is semi-tidy. I don't like coming home to a messy house.

Oh yeah, I've got to go to the store. I need cigarettes and batteries and deodorant. And maybe some cat food, I need to see how much is left in the current bag. Oh, and maybe some shaving cream.

Or maybe I won't bother to shave while I'm there. It's supposed to be a vacation, after all.

By this time tomorrow, I'll be at the airport, maybe even on the plane.

It's gotten so bad that HatGirl is actually rooting for me to leave. To move away, or at least to find work elsewhere for a while. To just get away from all this pain. No matter how much she would miss me, she still says I should leave.

"It would do you good," she says.

Wrong.

There is no getting away. Physically, sure. That would be fairly simple. But emotionally, not so much. This is where I belong. This is where I am, and this is where I'll stay, no matter how far away my body might happen to be. I could travel to the ends of the Earth, and it would do me no good at all, because I couldn't take my heart with me.

So we have a disagreement, HatGirl and I. Even though she's very smart, there are some things that she just doesn't get. This problem that I have, it's not going to be solved by running away. It's not a physical entity from which I can hide. Nope, this is something that, if it's ever going to get better, it's going to have to happen right here.

Not that I expect anything to get better. I fully expect that this is going to kill me eventually. But, at least here, I have a fighting chance. At least here, I can be strong and brave. At least here, I can stand my ground.

I look death in the eye, and it doesn't blink. I wait for the killing blow, and it doesn't come.

What is it waiting for?

So I went to the place yesterday. Did I write I was going there, or did I just tell RockGirl and HatGirl? Hmmm, looks like I didn't write about it here. I'm such a slacker. Get over it.

I wasn't going to go. I thought that maybe I was tired, so I was going to restrict my errands to stuff close to my house. Go to my bank, go to the store, pay my water bill, stuff like that. But then I noticed that I wasn't tired, so I went to the place. The Dodge dealership in Jeffersonville.

October 14th, also known as that really fucked-up day, started out when I broke the key to my Intrepid in half. No, I didn't do it on purpose, despite what you may have read in the tabloids. It was an accident. A stupid accident, but an accident nevertheless.

Anyway, this was the only key I had for that car. I needed a new key. I called the first Dodge dealership I could think of (Coyle) and asked them if they could cut me a key if they had the VIN. They said that they couldn't do it, but that Bales in Jeffersonville could.

Cool, right?

I drove my not-tired self to Bales yesterday. Immediately, of course, a swarm of salespeople erupted from the building. I waved them off and told them that I just needed the service department. I also noticed a lot of Jeeps for sale, so I emailed LaptopGirl to ask if she'd traded in her Jeep at Bales.

At the service desk things were a little fucked up. The guy took my Intrepid's registration (with the VIN) and went somewhere and did something. Then he came back and said that he could indeed make me a key, but that they didn't have any of the proper blanks. I asked if one could be ordered.

He went back and did some more stuff, and then returned and said that (a) he could order what he needed from somewhere, but (b) those blanks would be eleven dollars each, and (c) there was a minimum order of four. Oh yeah, and (d) cutting a new key from code would be eighteen dollars.

For some reason I didn't feel like spending over sixty dollars for a key. I dunno, maybe I'm crazy.

I told the dude that I'd check out some hardware stores and see if I could find a blank. And then that's what I did. The first place I went had the proper blank, and I bought one. Not for eleven dollars. Not even for five dollars.

Eighty-five cents.

Then I took the blank back to Bales and they charged me eighteen dollars to cut the key.

Still quite a racket they've got going there, but it was a lot better than sixty dollars would have been.

Then I spent some time wandering around the lot, evading the salespeople as well as I could, looking to see if LaptopGirl's old Jeep was there. It wasn't there. It was fun to look, though. I think I had some murky scheme to take a picture of myself with that Jeep and post it on facebook. I don't know why. Maybe it would make her love me. Maybe I was more tired than I'd thought.

Later, I got an email that she'd used a totally different dealership. I didn't bother going there.

Records from that time are so spotty, and they're spread out all over the place. It took a lot of work, and a lot of memory, to accurately piece together those events.

May 12, 2007. The happiest day of my life, up to that point. After I got home, I sat on my swing until the Sun rose, my face cramping so much from smiling that I nearly cried from the pain. Not that anyone would have noticed. I was already laughing from being so happy, and in the dark it's hard to tell the difference.

I've been happy since, certainly. There have even been times when I've been happier than I was on that Spring day, nearly two and a half years ago. But that day will always be special to me, because it was so pure.

So much has happened since then. It's so hard, sometimes, to maintain the proper perspective on things. But I try. I really do try. I think about that wonderful night, reliving as well as I can the joy and the relief and the hope. Remembering what it was like to feel all those things again, after all those months that they'd lain dormant.

I've said before that I died on October 9th, 2004. Well, on May 12, 2007, I finally lived again.

I need to remember that. I am still alive.

My schedule, such as it is, has blurred together. It's now as meaningless as it is fluid. Night and day are just words, abstractions, faint memories, and nothing more.

The dark of night and the light of day have formed gray, as they always do. Gray is okay. I'm used to gray. It's the brightness of the light and the mysteries of the dark that bother me. Frighten me.

Am I tired right now because I'm actually tired, or merely because I feel that I should be tired?

I could ask myself the same question regarding every feeling that I've had lately.

Well at least this time I remembered the dream that woke me up.

Silly kid thought he could fly, or maybe he just knew I'd catch him.

Either way, good thing I was there.

Okay, this is a really sad entry I wrote a few years ago. I must have been in a really weird mood to be able to write this.

okay, this was hard to write

I've mentioned before about how I like to go back and read my old entries. It's always interesting to see what's changed, and it's even more interesting to see what's the same. Plus, sometimes I find stuff that manages to remind me that I'm quite capable of being a pretty decent writer. When I want to be and/or when I've had enough to drink.

June of 2006 was a good writing-month for me. The following is one of my favorites from then. Except that the wall is now more of just a line in the sand.

"You're a fucking dumbass," I said.

"What are you bitching about now?" I asked.

"You know exactly what I'm talking about, you stupid fuck, " I answered.

"Well, how about you pretend that I don't know, and you explain it to me."

"Okay fine." I paused for effect. "You had hope just now. Don't even fucking try to deny it. That person just walked in the door and you had hope that it would be her."

"Bullshit," I said.

"C'mon, I was right here," I said. "I know that you had hope."

"What if I did?" I asked defensively. "Besides, it was only for a second."

"I can't believe how stupid you are." I was getting frustrated. "How many times do you have to be hurt before you give up this bullshit?"

"It's not bullshit," I protested. "It's perfectly normal for me to miss a friend, and to hope to see that friend again."

"You forget who you're talking to," I said. "I'm the one person you cannot fool."

"I'm not trying to fool anyone. You're just being paranoid."

"Paranoid?" I was incredulous. "You think I'm paranoid, you dumb fuck?"

"That's exactly what I think," I said. "You forget that things have changed. I've managed to separate things in my head. I want to see my friend, that's all."

"Save that bullshit for your 'blog," I said. "Like I said, you cannot fool me."

"You suck," I responded. "You suck, and I don't have to listen to you if I don't want to."

"You are such a stubborn asshole," I said. "Fine, but let me ask you something."

"What?" I asked confidently.

"You say that you miss your friend, and that's all that you miss?" I asked.

"That's right," I responded.

"Well," I continued, "What about the potential for something else? What about the potential that you saw in the two of you as a couple? What about the potential that you saw in her as a person?"

"That's all in the past," I said uneasily. I was beginning to get an idea of what would come next.

"Oh, is it really?" I asked. "You don't miss that potential at all?"

"Um, well I guess I'll always miss that," I answered. "At some level at least."

"You try so hard to sound like you've got your shit together," I said.

"Hey," I protested. "I am a lot better than I was. Why are you being such a dick?"

"Because I'm sick of your bullshit," I answered. "That, plus I might be the only person on Earth that cares about you."

"You have a funny way of showing it," I pointed out. "I was in an actual good mood for once, and you had to go and ruin it."

"You idiot," I said. "You've actually managed to forget about it, haven't you?"

"Forget about what?" I asked.

"About The Wall," was all I needed to say.

I went numb for a precious second. "You asshole," I said as the pain came rushing back to me. "Why did you have to remind me? Why couldn't you just let me be content for a while?"

"Because contentedness is dangerous for you," I said. "You can't handle being content, and you always look for something more."

"And what's wrong with that?" I asked, though I knew what the answer would be.

"What's wrong with that, you dumb fuck, is that you always look for the same thing. Over and over and over and over. And you're never going to find it."

"Because of The Wall," I admitted.

"Right. Because of The Wall," I answered. "All of that potential that you saw - it's unreachable to you now. You've got to come to grips with that fact."

"You know," I countered. "I wasn't thinking about that stuff at all, before you butted in. I just missed my friend. You could have left me alone."

I sighed. I'd hoped that it wouldn't come to this. "Okay," I said. "I'll make you a deal. Let me ask you one more question, and if you answer it honestly and still want me to leave you alone, then I will."

"Great," I answered. "Ask your fucking question."

"Okay, here goes." This was going to be hard for me to ask, I knew that it would be exponentially tougher for him to answer. "Right now, you realize that all of that potential is something that you'll never see realized. Right now, you know it like you've never known it before. My question is this: Without that potential, with nothing except the opportunity for what you once had, and nothing more, ever, are you sure that you want to see her walk through that door?"

I knew what I was supposed to say. I sure as fuck knew what I wanted to say. But I decided, for some reason that escapes me now as I tell this story, I decided to answer the question honestly.

"If you put it like that," I responded, "then the answer is no. To simply go back to what there was would be impossible. It would hurt too much. I'd rather have nothing than try to go back to that while knowing that there would never be anything more."

"Thank you for your honesty," I said gently. "And now, as I promised, I'll leave you alone if that's your wish. You can hope and dream all you want, and I won't interrupt you again."

"That's okay," I said. "You can stay for a while if you want."

"Thank you," I answered. "Let's have a beer together, and let's miss her for a while."

"Sounds good," I accepted. "I'll try not to have any hope this time."

"I know you'll try," I said. "And if you slip up, I'll be right here for you. To smack you down once again."

I allowed myself a smile. "You're an asshole, you know?" I said.

"Yes I am," I conceded. "But at least I'm not a fucking dumbass."

"Maybe that's why we make such a good team," I ventured.

"Cheers!" we said in unison, as our glasses clinked together.

Look, I'm really flattered. Again. Really. And even a little bit tempted.

But, I'm not like that, and if you knew me at all you'd know that I'm not like that. It's perfectly normal for you to assume that I'm like every other guy on Earth, but I'm not, and I find it a little insulting when that assumption is made and made and made and made. There has to be a possibility of a future and, for us, there is none.

---

And you. I don't even know where to start. I've never known where to start.

Who are you? Do the girl I see, and the girl you are, do they have anything in common at all?

And who the fuck am I?

I keep finding myself wishing, more and more often lately, not that you would start, but that I would stop. This is a fucking huge shift, and I'm still trying to come to grips with it. My entire sense of self has blurred.