OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG

I am so fucking happy right now.

Sufficient words do not exist.

I was asked a couple of stupid questions today. Actually it was one stupid question, and then a follow-up question which seemed just as stupid.

And then, then I couldn't answer either question for the longest time. And I thought that maybe they weren't so stupid after all. And I became afraid.

And for hours now, I've felt this internal struggle, as different factions of my innermost thoughts and feelings fought to answer those two stupid questions.

Well, finally, I can answer the first question, and finally, I can answer the follow-up question.

Yes, and no.

Clear as mud, right?

First...

Absolutely. How could I not? Fuck, it's practically happening anyway.

And then...

No. Not even close. There would still be something missing.

I know exactly what I want.

That which is missing from everyone else. I don't know what it is, exactly, but I know it when I see it. When I feel it. When I hear it and smell it and touch it and taste it.

It's what I want.

And, more than that, it's what I want to want.

---

A friend of mine pointed out to me tonight that a certain person was drop-dead gorgeous.

She doesn't know me very well at all, to still believe that I give a flying fuck what a certain person looks like.

But I digress.

---

I like this feeling of desire and longing. I don't want it to end.

I want to want what I want. I don't necessarily want what I want, but I desperately want to want it.

Decipher that last sentence, and I think you'll understand me pretty well.

NotHideousGirl and I spent an inordinate time, at lunch today, discussing funerals and funeral parlors.

This is probably my fault. I broached the subject by mentioning that I was going to visitation for a former coworker of mine.

I may have started the discussion, but NotHideousGirl is the one who took it and ran with it. So for about an hour we talked about these happy subjects. I tried a couple of times to talk about something else, such as how weird and/or cute her hair was today, but she'd have none of that.

At one point we played the fun little game of counting how many times we'd been to funeral homes. Maybe you can use this the next time you host a kids' birthday party. Here's my list:

My paternal great-grandfather
My maternal grandfather
My mother
My friend Gary from Omaha
My paternal grandfather
My maternal grandmother
My father
My aunt Carol's sister (visitation only)
My aunt Helen (visitation only)
My former coworker Scott (visitation only)

Not too bad of a list, for someone my age. NotHideousGirl used the word "dozens" as she counted. So she won that game.

But there have also been some who've died and I didn't make it to the funeral home:

My girlfriend Jackie
My maternal grandfather
My cousin Chris
My uncle Tommy
My aunt Elaine
My parents' friend Marie

And probably some others, of varying degrees of closeness.

The point I was going to make here is that for the ten people listed first, my last memory of each and every one of them is of them lying in their caskets. And, for the six people in the second list? My last memory of them is when they were alive, talking, laughing, smiling.

I, personally, very much prefer the latter choice.

I don't like the fact that I cannot think of my mother without my brain fast-forwarding to the sight of her dead in the funeral home, with her hair done all weird and wearing makeup and a dress I'd never seen before.

My last memory of my cousin Chris was the two of us sitting in his kitchen, catching up on old times. Laughing and bullshitting about how absurd our lives had become. How grown-up the world expected us to be, when all we wanted to do was go hiking and climbing trees in the woods.

Yes, I definitely prefer the latter choice.

I've thought about this before, and I think that I've even talked with at least one of my sisters about it. The thing is, I don't want an open casket funeral. I don't want that to be the last time people see me. I'd rather just have pictures posted around the place, and maybe some home movies playing. Stuff like that.

Not my corpse, in a suit, in a box.

NotHideousGirl tells me that I'm weird. And I probably am. But this would probably count as my last wish, right?

Cremate me. Scatter my ashes somewhere pretty. And let the sound of my voice and my laugh, let them be part of your last memory of me.

Okay, I have a confession to make.

I have a difficult time picturing how big 4,000 acres is. But they keep talking on the radio about this fire somewhere. They keep saying that it's 4,000 acres big but I can't picture what that really means.

I mean, I know what one acre is. It's the size of half my yard - the part without the trees. Then, if I take all of my property, that's two acres.

But 4,000 acres?

Who talks like that?

Besides farmers?

A quick trip to the Internet tells me that 4,000 acres is 6.25 square miles. That's a little easier for me to understand.

Some quick mental calculation tells me that 6.25 square miles is the equivalent of a square that's 2.5 miles on each side.

Now that I can definitely understand. And I would venture to guess that most people could understand those terms a lot more easily than 4,000 acres.

Except for farmers I guess.

So why do they keep referring to the size of this fire in acres?

I think it's because it sounds more impressive to say 4,000 than to say 6.25.

But, if that's the reason, then why don't they just say that the thing is 174,240,000 square feet, or 25,090,560,000 square inches in size?

Either of those would be much more impressive and scary-sounding than a measly 4,000 acres.

Come to think of it, why don't men measure their penises in millimeters for the same reason?

(I don't know what happened to #1. She didn't include it because the girl she stole it from didn't include it. There are several other missing questions later on. It must be some chick thing.)

2. If you were drafted into a war, would you survive?
Probably.

3. Do you sleep with the TV on?
Any noise other than raw white noise keeps me awake. So I sleep with a fan roaring next to my bed.

4. Have you ever drank milk straight out of the carton?
When I was a kid. I have a bad feeling about this survey now.

5. Have you ever won in a spelling bee?
OMG.

6. Do you like somebody right now?
This is a kids' survey, isn't it? OMG LOL.

7. Are you a fast typer?
I'm pretty decent.

8. Are you dating anyone?
I'm going to guess that I'm not. WeirdGirl may have other ideas.

10. Who can you always turn to?
My sister Dina and RockGirl. There are probably a couple of others who wouldn't turn their backs on me.

13. Are you drinking anything right now?
Diet Pepsi.

14. Do you think you're attractive?
I answered that once in another entry:

"Maybe, in a dark enough room, to a drunk enough observer, while surrounded by lepers and zombies, I might at times be considered not ugly enough to scare children, but I'm enough of a realist to know that about the best I could ever hope for would be simply average."

15. What color underwear are you wearing (if any)?
None.

17. What do you want for Christmas?
A billion dollars. And a kitten calendar.

18. Do you know the muffin man?
Whatever.

19. Do you talk in your sleep?
I might, but you'd never be able to hear it over the snoring.

20. Who wrote the book of love?
Whatever.

23. Do you consider yourself successful?
In some areas of my life. In other, not so much.

24. How many people are on your contact list of your cell phone?
About fifty, but most of them are work people.

26. Plans for tomorrow?
Pay my property taxes, get a haircut, go to work, have lunch with NotHideousGirl, go to a funeral home, go to my home, take a nap, go to Rich O's.

28. Missing someone right now?
Yes. I actually saw her the other day at lunch, but I didn't talk to her because I wasn't sure if it counted as running into her.

29.When was the last time you told some one you love them?
January.

30.WHAT WAS THE LAST SPORT YOU PLAYED?
I shot pool in my basement tonight.

32. Are you black?
I'm kind of a peachy-tan color.

33. Have you ever been suspended or expelled from school?
Nope. Had detention a couple of times.

34. What are you looking forward to?
Finishing this survey.

36. Do you like the cake or the frosting better?
I'm not a big cake fan, but I'd have to say that I like both equally.

38. Can you handle the truth?
Absolutely.

39. Do you like green eggs and ham?
Some of these questions are really stupid, aren't they?

43. Smooth or crunchy peanut butter?
Okay, now you're really reaching.

44. What do you do when no one is watching?
I dunno.

48. Three things about the opposite sex that you first notice?
Smile, eyes, hair, if I see their face first.

49. Who are you thinking about right now?
How to answer this question.

50. Who did you last hug?
WeirdGirl I think. No, wait, it might have been NotHideousGirl.

51. Where is your phone?
Cellphone right next to me. Landline in the living room.

52. When is the last time you had a pillow fight?
A million years ago at least. With my sister.

54. Favourite Colours?
Blue, black, gray.

56. What song do you currently hear?
Nothing at the moment.

60. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
Somebody at work.

This is what happens when I'm in a weird mood.

I can't focus on any thoughts long enough to coax a decent entry out of them.

So you get this crap.

---

A former coworker of mine died yesterday. He was 35, and he was a cool guy. So on Friday I'll go to the visitation, even though I didn't really know him that well.

---

Rogue Smoke is finally available at Rich O's. Yay!

---

I forgot to mention that, the other night, HatGirl graduated from college. In addition, she surprised absolutely nobody by making the dean's list.

Yay for HatGirl!

---

For the next two days there's an art show at Rich O's. I already bought one of NotHideousGirl's paintings:

We've talked about this painting over lunch several times. I just had to have it. But this time I'm going to pay her in person, because she still hasn't got her money from the last one I bought, when I paid the guy running the art show.

---

Oh yeah, at the art show tonight it was movie night. I didn't stay for it, but I read about it. One of the films is about Darfur, so that's probably the feel-good movie of the year. Not.

---

You know how to piss off a stray cat?

Well, I'll tell you.

Go outside at night, and watch said stray run and hide underneath a pine tree with low-hanging branches. Then, walk right up to the tree and call out, "Hi there kitty! It's so nice to see you!"

See, it pisses the strays off because they think they're being so sneaky and feral.

---

I have no idea what happened to SassyGirl and JauntyGirl. They're probably off on another one of their adventures.

---

TremensGirl showed up at Rich O's this evening with red hair. She then claimed that it's always been red. I'm not fooled though.

---

I have to pee.

I think I like it best when I'm in a weird mood. Like tonight. It just seems that these are the times when I'm able to think the most clearly. About life's possibilities and shit like that.

I mean, when I'm sad, then all I can think about is whatever is making me sad. And, if I'm happy, I'm usually in shock, so I don't think much at all. I'm too busy smiling.

Tonight I watched an entire HDTV broadcast for the first time, despite the fact that I've had an HD-capable TV for three years. I bought a new antenna from Radio Shack a couple of months ago. Tonight, I hooked it up and watched Lost in high-def. Pretty cool, but I missed my Tivo's ability to fast-forward through the commercials.

I think that the Spring of 2004 was a pretty good time in my life. Sometimes I wish that I'd have been able to more fully appreciate it when it was happening. But then I remember that uncertainty principle thing. I remember that, if I'd fully seen and understood what was happening, what was about to happen, well then I'd almost certainly have changed it simply by knowing about it.

In the Spring of 2004, I was rapidly becoming a beer snob. I hung out at Rich O's with LaptopGirl, and I tried dozens and dozens of new beers. Some I liked, and some I didn't like. But all were possessed of the same potential right up until that moment when I took that first sip.

That's why I like being in a weird mood like I'm in right now. Because at times like this, life seems to have potential. I don't feel the need to fix anything, and I don't feel the urge to relish in anything, and I don't feel the urge to simply give up, or stand my ground, or fight for anything.

It's nice.

1. Do you outline?
If I feel like I'm in a hurry, then I'll outline an entry with vague plans to flesh it out later. Sometimes I even bother to follow through with that plan.

2. Do you write straight through, or do you sometimes tackle the scenes out of order?
I usually just write whatever my hands and fingers feel like writing. I don't think about the ordering of things, but I think they're usually self-enforcing.

3. Do you prefer writing with a pen or using a computer?
I like the idea of writing with a pen into a notebook, but it usually doesn't happen that way.

4.Do you prefer writing in first person or third?
I usually write in first-person mode. But some of my favorite stuff has been written in third-person.

5. Do you listen to music while you write?
I rarely listen to music except when I'm shooting pool.

6. How do you come up with the perfect names for your characters?
Perfection is a goal I rarely achieve. If I assign a nickname and I can remember it later, then that's good enough for me.

7. When you're writing, do you ever imagine your story as a television show or movie?
Nope. I've had dreams that would make good movies, though.

8. Have you ever had a character insist on doing something you really didn't want him/her to do?
Oh, wait. This is a question for real writers, isn't it? I'm going to answer not applicable.

9. Do you know how a book is going to end when you start it?
Not applicable.

10. Where do you write?
In my office usually, and also wherever I happen to be when I have my notebook handy.

11. What do you do when you get writer's block?
I drink beer. Lots and lots of beer.

12. What size increments do you write in?
What the fuck does that mean? I write whatever's in my head.

13. How many different drafts did you write for your last project?
Everything is a draft. Nothing is ever good enough.

14. Have you ever changed a character's name midway through a draft?
Yes, I changed one to YourMama when I realized that she was a whore. What a stupid question.

15. Do you let anyone read your story while you're working on it, or do you wait until you've completed a draft before letting someone else see it?
I usually finish whatever I'm writing in one sitting, so not applicable.

16. What do you do to celebrate when you finish a draft?
Masturbate furiously.

17. One project at a time, or multiple projects at once?
This talk about "projects" seems way too serious for the mental vomiting that I do.

18. Do your stories grow or shrink in revision?
I am the king of rambling, so I'd say that stories grow as they're being written.

19. Do you have any writing or critique partners?
Yeah, right. Like I'd deem anyone worthy.

20. Do you prefer drafting or revising?
I guess revising. I prefer to spew out words, then fix them later.

Like I've said before, It doesn't take much.

It's one of the good things about being a fucking willow branch.

Anyway, Monday after work, Roger, the owner of Rich O's, told me that Rogue Smoke would be there on Tuesday.

I think that his exact words were, "Rogue Smoke will be here tomorrow."

His exact words were apparently important.

Today, after work, after my nap, I was taking my newly dewrinkled shirt out of the dryer when MusicalYuppieDude texted me from Rich O's.

I asked him if Rogue Smoke was on tap.

He said that it wasn't.

Shit shit shit shit shit shit!

I thought about Roger's exact words. He hadn't, after all, said that Rogue Smoke would actually be available for purchase. He'd only said that it would be there at Rich O's.

So maybe he wasn't a big fat liar after all.

Since I was all dressed up anyway, I went down to Rich O's. Maybe, I thought, Maybe the beer board is wrong. Maybe Rogue Smoke is on tap anyway.

Well, the board wasn't wrong. Rogue Smoke wasn't on tap.

But I didn't care, because LaptopGirl was there.

Yay and fucking yay!

And, this time, she actually talked to me!

Yay and fucking double-yay!

Like I said, it doesn't take much. Especially when not much is actually everything in disguise.

So I had a Brooklyn Brown Ale (80) and talked to LaptopGirl for a bit.

Then I had a glass of Weihenstephaner Hefeweissbier (1822), which is back on tap for a while.

Then I had what was left of LaptopGirl's Guinness (1424), because she didn't want to finish it.

I was so fucking happy to talk to her! I am still so fucking happy!

After LaptopGirl left, I moved up to the bar and talked with WomanRepellant for a while. He seemed to be in a better mood than he'd been in the last time I'd seen him. Or maybe my own good mood was turning out to be contagious.

I spent some time trying to bribe the bartenders into putting the Rogue Smoke on tap. There was, after all, at least one empty tap in the place, right in front of me. But none of them would do it, so great was their fear of Roger and his official beer board, complete with tapping order.

It was a fantastic night. Just fucking fantastic.