Trust is one of those oddball things. It has to be earned, but simply earning it doesn't always garner it. Nope, it also has to be given. And there are no rules about trusting someone. It's all so subjective.

---

This thing that I just tried, and failed, to write about? Now I'm having fourth thoughts about it, and I'm thinking that maybe I should try again. Because it really is quite cool.

---

I think it's my fault that it keeps storming here. Every single time I hang my sleeping bag on my deck railing to dry, another storm comes along and blows it off the railing.

---

Tonight at Red Lobster there was the cutest little pair of twin two-month-old babies. Everyone wanted to just gobble them up. But nobody did, probably because they were saving room for the regular menu items.

Also, the twins' parents didn't look like they were having any fun at all. I guess that's what two months without any sleep will do to you.

---

I've been on-call all week, but tomorrow at 7:00 my week of torture ends. So, yay!

---

I've always been the first to admit that I don't know what the fuck is going on. And now I'll admit it again.

I don't know what the fuck is going on.

---

I'm sitting here checking my email every couple of minutes, but all I'm getting is dick SPAM. I get a lot of that.

---

I guess I'll go out to my swing for a while now.

I have serious doubts that this entry is going ever going to see the light of day. I think that to be publishable it'll have to be too cryptic, even for me. I think it'll be so cryptic that even I won't be able to understand it once some time passes.

But, I'm bored right now. And I'm not particularly tired. Most of all, this is something that I really feel deserves at least a shot at being a blog entry. Because it is important.

So I'll try to write this damn thing. Though I'm already having second and third thoughts about it, and I haven't even said anything yet.

(Bunch of incomprehensible drivel deleted.)

Well, that was sort of a an incredible waste of time, wasn't it?

I guess there are some things that I can't say without coming right out and saying them.

It's not what people think, though. That's safe to say. In fact, it's pretty much the opposite of what people think.

First, I had got to do some stuff for work. There were three things to do, and I got two of them done. The third thing showed some potential problems during final testing, so I decided to put it off until I can research it some more. Because I'm all about quality control and shit.

Then, I took a nap. I dreamed about LaptopGirl, probably because she emailed me and woke me up right at that precise moment when I was about to drift off to sleep. Anyway, it wasn't a very good dream, because LaptopGirl was mean to me in the dream, and in the dream I got angry at her. Then when I woke up I was still angry at her for a while. Stupid, I know.

Then HatGirl and LuckyFucker came over for a while.

HatGirl!

Yay!

I took about 800 pictures of them. Standing in front of a tree. Sitting on my swing. Standing in front of another tree. I have no idea why HatGirl chose me to take the pictures. But it was still fun to pretend that I had a clue about what I was doing.

(Deleted)

Then, I went to Hooters and had a couple glasses of Newcastle (9910) and watched some baseball on TV.

Then, I came home.

There's still a chance that HatGirl and I will test my video chat capabilities tonight, but it's getting pretty late so probably not.

If only they had some devices which could extinguish fire...

So after Friday night's swillfest, I knew that I'd want to return to my roots on Saturday night. I got to Rich O's at 8:00 or so. It was only about half-full, so that was nice. I sat in the throne and talked to some people about some stuff.

Two glasses of Schlenkerla Marzen (4130) later, I was still sitting in the throne talking to some people about some stuff.

It was a nice evening, except that my stupid email on my Blackberry has been broken since Saturday morning. At least I think it's broken. Every time I send an email with the thing, I get an error back saying that the recipient doesn't exist. This causes me great concern, because I'd certainly prefer that they exist.

Some of my emails seem to go through anyway, but I can't be sure if they're all making it.

Anyway, I left Rich O's at 10:15 or so and went to Sluttopia. I talked with my Uncle Wayne for a while, then sat and had a glass and a half of Newcastle (9870). I'd tried to talk LaptopGirl and BigWheelGirl into coming to Sluttopia, but they declined. So there was really no point in me staying there. I went back to Rich O's for a couple of minutes, then went to Jack's. Nobody I knew was at Jack's, so I came home.

It was a warm night outside, so I sat out on my swing, drinking Diet Cokes and contemplating the universe. I stayed out there until 5:00, only coming inside long enough to post a couple of strange blog entries.

On a night like this, the waning moon throws its light from beyond the sky, transforming the clouds into a gray sheet stretching between horizons.

Featureless, to my eyes, but incredible beauty lies just beyond that dome.

My eyes are irrelevant, on a night like this.

It's so beautiful. Out of sight, it still shines through, overwhelms.

I'm in such a weird mood tonight.

Life provides its own metaphors.

Who __ __ that ___ ____?
Duh. You get one choice, and that's more than I ever had.

What __ __ _____ you ____ about ____?
Everything. Literally, every single thing. Even those things that piss me off.

Where __ ___ most _____ _____ _____ touching ___?
Her lips. Almost always her lips.

When ___ _____ ________ begin?
Maybe the day I was born. Maybe even before that. I don't know for sure. I don't think that it really matters.

Why __ ___ ____ her, __ all ______?
For the same reason that I breathe, and for the same reason that my heart beats.

One of the weirdest things about last night was this.

For over four years, I've carried my phone everywhere I've gone. For a while it was a regular cellphone, more recently it's been a Blackberry. Whatever, I did everything I could possibly do to always stay available. I've never quite figured out how to shower with my phone, but the thing is always sitting on top of the toilet when I shower, so I can still hear it. You know, just in case.

Then, last night when we arrived at the casino complex, I turned my phone off and gave it to LaptopGirl so she could carry it in her purse. This was a night, the first night since forever started for me, that I wouldn't need my phone at all. I had all the contact I needed.

Freaking surreal.

Friday night, LaptopGirl and I went to this Bier Prost 2008 thingy at our local riverboat casino complex. I insisted on calling this a date. LaptopGirl insisted that it was merely a thingy. But then I guess her mom said it was a date. So there. Majority rules.

I don't think that either of us was at all sure what to expect there. The flyer said something like, "Beer and food from around the world." So that sounded cool. right? I guess I was expecting it to be more beery than it was. I mean, they had a bunch of tubs with bottles of beer in them. We got cute little ceramic sample cups that would hold about two ounces of beer. Then we'd walk around and ask the bored people working the tubs for whatever we wanted.

None of those people knew about or cared about beer. The only brewery representatives there were from NABC.

It was like the people running the event just went out to a liquor store and bought a bunch of bottles and then put them in tubs full of ice. Even the other attendees seemed to be there just for the charity aspect.

But most disappointing to me was the food. It was just like they called some caterer and said we want some various stuff, and that's all they got.

But the point of the thing, for the people running it, wasn't beer and it wasn't food. It was some charity thing that I never heard of before. So they obviously wanted to save costs wherever they could.

The point of the thing for me, of course, wasn't beer or food either. It was to get to spend some time with LaptopGirl away from Rich O's. And that goal was very well satisfied.

Anyway, I did have some beers. Most of these were just 2-ounce samples. Here are the ones that were new to me:

Barley Island Flat Top Wheat

(bottle) Fizzy, with a nice aroma and a pretty good taste. Very light. More like a Belgian wheat than an American or German wheat. Pretty good. I'll look for this.

(bottle) Dark brown with a nice head. Aroma of dark fruits and maybe some chocolate. The flavor was surprisingly good to me. I will definitely look for this again. Probably today.

(bottle) Usually I know to steer clear of any beer calling itself a blonde, but this was listed as a Belgian Triple in the flyer, so I tried it. I liked it. There was nothing outstanding about it, but neither was there anything wrong with it. Maybe a watered-down Delirium tremens. Good.

(bottle) Straw and other dead weeds, in both the aroma and the flavor. Not very hoppy. Not very much of anything. Disgusting.

(can) Pretty metallic. Quite gross. I don't think that even people who like lagers would like this.

(can) Just gross. Smelled of rotten hops, and tasted very metallic. It tasted to me like it was skunked. Suprisingly bad.

(bottle) I know I'd had this before, but I'd never reviewed it. As a Baltic Porter, it of course reminds me of my beloved Baltika 6. Dark and roasty and chocolatey. Just a touch of alcohol burn at the finish makes me want more right away. Good.

Then we came back to New Albany, and LaptopGirl got this sudden intense craving to stop and eat at this one place I'd never been to before called Waffle House. Anxious to prolong the evening as much as I could, I readily agreed. So we sat and talked some more while she got something to eat, then I took her home and then I came home myself.

It was a really fun night for me. Kinda surreal, but really fun.

Of course I'm excited.

I just don't want to jinx it.

What's always funny is how it just ends.

No sign off. No fade to black. No national anthem. No hint at all.

There's something, and something, and something and then, click!, there's nothing.

And, of course, when I say funny I really mean almost unbearably stress-inducing.

Seriously, would a simple good night be so terrible?

20 questions about you and your lover

(Since I don't have a lover, I'm using the last long-term one.)

When did you guys start dating? December 2005. And she wasn't a guy, she was a girl.
How long have you been dating for? Off and on for a couple of years. Off now.
How did you meet? I wrote an entire entry about it.
Do you love him/her? Yes.
Do you want to spend the rest of your life with that person? Irrelevant.
Does he/she make you feel like you are something? She made me feel useful, more than anything else.
Does he/she make you laugh and happy? Absolutely.
Have you kissed? Ewww, kissing is gross! Duh, of course we kissed.
Do you like being with that person? I liked it very very much.
Would you cry if he had to go far away forever? No comment.
Do you like that person for looks or personality? Initially attracted to the former, became attached to the latter very quickly.
Would he/she die for you? Doubtful.
Would you die and for him/her? That's a tough one. I probably still would. The world needs people like her more than it needs people like me.
Does your lover make you smile? Absolutely.
Does he/she support you in everything you do? Not even close.
Does he/she try to be there everytime you need them? Yes.
Are you always constantly thinking about the person you love? I don't think about her too often anymore. It's moot.
Do you dream about him/her? Every now and then.
Do you want to spend the rest of your life with that person and raise a family? I thought so at one time.
Do you love her/him with all your heart and soul? With as much as I could spare. Which wasn't enough.

Seven Deadly Sins Survey

Who did you last get angry with? Myself. If I'm not allowed to say myself, then probably NotHideousGirl.
What is your weapon of choice? Stupid question.
Would you hit a member of the opposite sex? I was just a kid.
How about the same sex? Only in defense, either of myself or someone else.
Who was the last person who got really angry at you? I'm not sure. I think that TremensGirl is mad at me right now, but I may be mistaken. If not her, then probably MixedSignalGirl.
What is your pet peeve? How much time do you have?
Do you keep grudges, or can you let them go easily? I tend to keep them forever.
Sloth
What is one thing you're suppose to do daily that you haven't? Cleaned the litter boxes.
What is the latest you've ever woken up? That's a nonsensical question as I've worked several different shifts in my life.
Name a person you've been meaning to contact, but haven't? Gene.
What is the last lame excuse that you made? All of my excuses are decidedly unlame.
Have you ever watched an infomercial all the way through? Probably. Who cares?
How many times did you hit the snooze button on your alarm clock this morning? Three.
Gluttony
What is your overpriced yuppie beverage of choice? I don't understand the question. Does Diet Coke count?
Are you a meat eater? Yes.
What is the greatest amount of alcohol you've had in one sitting/outing/event? I once had a 12-pack of Bud Light in a 12-hour period while camping.
Are you comfortable with your drinking and eating habits? Pretty much.
Do you enjoy candy and sweets? I prefer salty snacks.
Which do you prefer: sweets, salty foods or spicy foods? Whoa, I just answered this. Salty.
Have you ever looked at a small house pet or child and thought, "lunch"? That's weird. Of course not.
Greed
How many credit cards do you own? One, and it's just a debit card.
If you had a million dollars, what would you do with it? Spend it.
Would you rather be rich or famous? Rich. Famous people have to put up with too much bullshit.
Would you accept a boring job if it meant that you would make megabucks? Probably.
Pride
What's one thing that you have done that you're most proud of? I dunno. I used to be a pretty good pool player. Probably something related to that.
What's one thing you have done that your parents are most proud of? They're gone now, but I know they were proud of me when I joined the Air Force.
What thing would you like to accomplish late in your life? Immortality.
Do you get annoyed by coming in second place? Not as long as I did my best.
Have you ever entered a contest of skill, knowing you were of much higher skill than all the other competitors? A million times.
Have you ever cheated to get a better score? Absolutely not.
What did you do today that you're proud of? I didn't murder anyone at work.
Lust
How many people have you seen naked (not counting movies, family, strippers, locker rooms)? I'm going to guess 20.
How many people have seen you naked (not counting physicians, doctors, family, locker rooms, or when you were a young child)? I'm going to guess 20 again.
Have you ever caught yourself staring at the chest/crotch of a person of your chosen sex during a normal conversation? Duh. Though I try to behave myself.
What is your favorite body part of a person of your gender choice? Even though eyes are a cliche, I really do love eyes.
Have you ever had sexual encounters (including kissing/making out) with multiple persons? You mean at the same time, or over the course of my life? Yes.
Have you ever been propositioned by a prostitute? Yes, In Las Vegas last Summer. I politely declined.
Envy
What item of your friends would you most want to have for your own? I can't really think of anything tangible. I'd like to have MusicalYuppieDude's talent at playing guitar. Does that count?
Who would you want to go on "Trading Spaces" with? My sister Dina has much better taste than me, so I'll pick her.
If you could be anyone who existed in the world, who would you be? No comment.
Have you ever been cheated on? Yes. It sucked, by the way.
Have you ever wished you had a physical feature different from your own? I'd often like to be taller.
What inborn trait do you see in others that you wish you had for yourself? Ability to carry a conversation with a group, I guess.
What deadly sin...
Do you do the most often? Sloth.
Do you do the least often? I'd say the eating one. Gluttony.
Is your favorite to act on? Lust. Duh.

What a disappointment.

They weren't lingerie photos after all. Just bikinis.

Come to think of it, I might have been told that, when they first started flooding in. I just forgot when I saw all the Victoria's Secret URLs.

I'm supposed to help HatGirl pick something for a cruise, I guess.

I like the one in the lower right.

So, not the best day for me, but I'll get over it I suppose.

Had the world's longest and most pointless meeting this morning. The eventual outcome of the meeting was, "We don't know anything, let's schedule another meeting and maybe we'll know something by then."

During the meeting, about a million fire trucks showed up and nearly surrounded our building. This struck me as strange, mainly because none of us were on fire at the time. As it turned out, there was an alarm at a nearby building. Luckily it turned out to be a false alarm.

The rest of the work day was okay, I guess. I've got so much crap to do. I think I'm going to have to burn a day of vacation tomorrow so I'll have time to do some of the crap. I think this is how workaholics are born.

Speaking of being retarded, I left a sleeping bag out on my deck, and now it's soaking wet because it stormed a little while ago.

Also, my stupid cats are acting like they're starving to death, but their food bowls are full. Because I fed them this morning, disrupting their usual schedule. I doubt that they've even bothered to look to see if they have any food.

Also, I sometimes I really miss working for myself. Stupid internet bubble bursting...

Grrrr.

I think that's it for now. I've got lingerie pictures in my email that I'm supposed to look at.

Right now, I'm in one of my moods again.

Sometimes I think these of these moods of mine as periods of unusual clarity. Other times I think they're just crazy periods - where I outdo even myself.

Whatever.

Right now, I don't think this is a bad thing, this one thing that I can't write, or say, or show, or pantomime.

I think it's good, maybe even great.

It's a simple matter of acceptance, that's all.

No extrapolations. No predictions. None of that crap. Just acceptance.

It, quite simply, is.

Just fucking deal with it.

Understanding is irrelevant.

I had a really nice day, by the way. People were really nice to me today.

So Rich O's is going to be closed next weekend. All weekend. I could say something about what I think of that, but I kinda want to go in there again someday, so I'll hold my tongue.

---

This Friday I'm going to this dealie at our local Caesar's casino. I'm looking forward to it except for the tiny little thing that I'm on-call this week, and there's never been much cellphone reception at Caesar's. So there's a chance that all hell could break loose at work and I won't know anything about it until I return to civilization.

---

I really want to go somewhere next weekend. And now that Rich O's is going to be closed I really really want to go somewhere. But, who am I kidding? I'm not leaving the area, not even for a weekend.

---

I recently expanded my cable TV lineup. So now, if I wanted to, I could become a baseball fan again. The only restriction would be that I'd have to be a Reds fan. And I'm not sure that they're worthy of the time and effort I'd have to put in to really follow and root for them.

When I was in Seattle, being a Mariner's fan was both fun and validating, most of the time. But still, it's hard to be a baseball fan if you really want to follow the team. There are so many games. I dunno if I'm up for that kind of commitment.

---

My answer was no, of course. What a stupid question.

---

It's AlliDay today!

Yay!

---

Then Sunday morning I have some work stuff to do. It will probably be fun, unless it doesn't go smoothly. Then it will suck, but that's what I get paid for, I suppose.

---

I think that's it.

---

I know I'm forgetting something.

This is a unique situation for me. There's no doubt about that.

Never before and, I hope with all my heart, never again will I find myself struggling like this again.

Searching frantically for purchase on such a sheer rockface. Reaching out wildly at each passing outcropping and crevice as I fall, hoping against hope that I can slow my descent. Survive to climb again.

But it's exhilarating, in its own special way. The stark contrast. The points of light shining so brightly against that ebony background.

I could mix metaphors all day and all night, I think.

Anyway, I spend an inordinate amount of time trying to figure out what happened.

I mean, I know pretty much when it happened. I just don't know what it was. What I did wrong, said wrong, thought wrong, felt wrong.

Clearly, I did something wrong. Clearly, it's all my fault.

What was once gray has separated like oil and water, has become bright tiny sparks in the dark. Stars, beautiful but oh so distant. Useless, but necessary. Oh so necessary.

I seem to be thinking about stars a lot lately.

Yes
Of course I will. Damn, it's been so long, I'm already trembling with the anticipation of getting to see you. And, not only seeing you, but seeing you happy. Because that's what's important - that you're happy. Of course I'll come.

And I will gladly shake the hand of the man who's done what I couldn't do.

No
What a stupid question. How could you even suspect that I'd agree to that? Have you ever even met me? What's the climate like on your planet, anyway?

I'll tell you what - I'll agree to see you and your dipshit boyfriend as soon as you agree that I can bring along the person you hate more than anyone.

Yeah, I didn't fucking think so.

Have a nice life, and I mean that seriously. But I'll be over here, trying to live my own life.

Maybe
I need to think about it for a couple of days. It's tempting, but it's more than a little scary. I really do want to see you, but I wonder if I also need to see you.

If the latter, then it's just too risky for me. I've got enough needs in my life right now.

It's been a long time, but has it been long enough? I need to think about this some more. I'll let you know.

Tonight, after my eyes had finally adjusted to the dark, and after my brain had finally learned to stop looking across the street at my neighbor's dick light, I saw some stars.

Actual stars. Not nearly as many as I saw when I was a kid. My aging eyes and all this stupid light pollution have taken care of that. And not even a zillionth as many as what I saw on that one night in Nevada, but still, a lot of stars.

They were pretty.

I also was lucky enough to see not one, not two, but five shooting stars.

I made five wishes.

More precisely, I made the same wish five times.

I am not a bad person. I am not a selfish person.

I wished for eternal happiness for someone else.

Also, as an added bonus, here's the only comic I can think of which featured shooting stars. I like this one, even though MixedSignalGirl was kinda mean.

---

Recently I've been asked what I mean when I say that I'm in a weird mood. I've found that, with questions like that, a description is much easier to come by than a definition:

Sometimes, I dare to envision a day. A perfect day. A day of laughter and love and joy and incredible happiness. I dare to envision such a day, but I see it as the fantasy that it is, and I do not get sucked into it.

Sometimes, I remember the truth, the reality of life. My life. And sometimes I can stand the pain that reality forces into my brain, and sometimes I do not want to cry out at the unfairness of it all.

It's those incongruities that makes them weird, these moods in which I sometimes find myself.

I often have dreams about my house having a secret room. Sometimes it's just that; a heretofore forgotten room, usually full of junk and other treasures. Sometimes there'll be an entire new apartment hidden behind a closed door, but usually it's just a room.

Part of the reason for these dreams, besides the obvious symbolism, is I think because there are parts of my house into which I almost never venture. Storage areas and a full-blow storage room. Another reason, I think, is this one house I looked at while I was in the market. I ended up in this house, of course, but that house certainly made an impression on me with all its levels and tiny rooms off the basement. I'd have probably bought it, if only there'd have been enough room for a pool table.

Anyway, tonight I dreamed of yet another secret room in my house. Except this was a room the likes of which I've never dreamed before.

I opened the door set into a wall in my basement, and beyond the door was a giant hillside, sloping down into a green valley. A cute little dirt path led from the door at the top of the hill down into the valley where a small village nestled.

"Oh boy!" I thought. "Look at all this cool stuff to explore, right here in my own house!"

I entered the new room, and started walking down the path. I noticed a fence to my right, and a black bull on the other side of the fence. That bull matched my pace as I walked down the hill into the valley. Not really menacing, but not friendly either.

The village was deserted. All the doors were locked. It was very frustrating, because I knew I'd have to call the people I'd bought the house from and see if they had any old keys lying around. And that would take time.

I started back up the hill, feeling depressed because my explorations would have to wait.

There was a movie playing on a billboard. Funny how I'd missed it before. The movie's narrator was talking about how, in the olden days, rodeos had used black rhinos instead of bulls. And it was only because rhinos became endangered that the familiar rodeo bull had risen to such popularity.

I had to admit, a rodeo with black rhinos would be pretty fucking cool.

Also, near the fence in a place where I really should have noticed it before, was a little tourist stand. Inside the stand were all kinds of things related to various things about bulls. The only one I really remember was a shirt. There was a whole stack of them, actually. Orange football jerseys with the number 34 in big white letters. Little cards stapled to each shirt asked the question, "Will a bull always charge the color orange?"

And then there was some small type that I didn't have time to read. Because as soon as I'd picked up the shirt and the card, that damn bull broke through its fence. It stood there on the dirt path, glaring and snorting at me.

I ran.

I ran like a motherfucker to the top of the hill, and I ripped the door open, and I slammed it shut. I just barely made it back to safety. I could feel the bull pressing against the door. Trying to get into my house. Trying to get to me. I pressed all of my weight against the door, knowing that it was only a matter of time.

Today I've been wondering about something.

I know, you don't have to remind me. Wondering has always proven to be a really stupid thing for me to do. But, as with most relevant things in my life these days, I just can't help it. I'd certainly stop wondering, if I could.

But I can't.

So there.

Today, I'm wondering if that was our first fight. I kinda hope that it was. Because, you know, it really wasn't that bad. And it would be nice to know that our first fight was out of the way.

But I'm also wondering about the make-up sex.

Does it still count as a fight, even if there's no make-up sex?

In the interest of completeness, and perhaps fairness, I'll now tackle the issue of what a guy means when he uses the word.

I think it's much more straightforward. There's a definition that's never used.

See, a guy will never, ever, ever, use the word friend to describe a girl unless either (a) He is not sleeping with her and, for some reason, wants to make that point perfectly clear, or (b) He's not interested in her physically and wants to make that point perfectly clear.

For example, I often refer to HatGirl as my friend. I use that word intentionally, because HatGirl is extremely engaged. I don't want anyone to ever jump to the wrong conclusion about me and HatGirl. So, reason "a" above definitely applies.

In another case, referring to another girl, I might use the word friend to stress the point that I'm not even interested in her in that way. This is a term I might use when referring to, say, Roseanne Barr* or someone of similar appearance.

The difference between these two meanings is a subtle one. It's usually taken from context. If, for example, you see me standing next to HatGirl or LaptopGirl or any other girl that's not a big fat hog, and I refer to her as my friend, well then it's fairly obvious that reason "a" above applies. The use of the word friend in this case isn't meant to either confirm or deny the presence of physical attraction - it's only meant to make it clear that there's nothing currently going on. Usually to spare the girl's reputation.

So, I'm really rambling with these two entries. I really did have a point to make. Or a point to illustrate.

But now I've got to work some more. Don't hold your breath. I may decide that this is too stupid, even for this venue.

* - I'm sure that Roseanne is a wonderful person. I only used her as an example. No offense intended.

I was thinking this morning about the word, "friend."

What it's supposed to mean. What it actually means. Because those are two entirely different things. It may as well be two entirely different words.

Or maybe there should even be three words.

The first entry for the word, at dictionary.com, says, "A person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard."

Okay, fair enough. That's pretty much what I usually mean when I use that word.

But why, I wonder, do women so constantly twist that word into something entirely different when referring to a guy?

When they use the word, it doesn't mean any of that crap about feelings of affection or regard.

Nope, when they use that word, it means, "A guy I have casual sex with," about half of the time. The other half of the time, it means, "A guy I will never have sex with because he physically repulses me."

There's something about the tone or the inflection of the word. Its true meaning is always perfectly clear. Never mind that hogwash in the dictionary.

I dunno. Perhaps I'm just being feeling bitter because, far more often than not, I seem to be the latter type of friend.

So today I went to Jeffersonville.

First time in a couple of years, I think, that I've graced that town with my presence. At least on my own - I seem to recall going to Buckhead for lunch with some coworkers more recently.

Buckhead is where I went today, of course. I like the food there. I like the memories that resurface there. And they usually have good beer, too.

I sat out on the deck, oddly optimistic that it wouldn't rain while I was eating, and I enjoyed a yummy Cajun burger and a Paulaner Hefeweissbier (551) in a plastic cup.

It was very nice out today, as long as it was cloudy. As soon as the Sun would come out from behind the clouds - as happened several times - I'd almost immediately start being roasted alive.

But, it was usually cloudy, and so I survived.

Then, I went across the street to Hooters to see my cousin Jeff. I haven't seen him since my nephew's funeral, but that's not entirely my fault. He has agreed to share a lot of the blame.

Anyway, here's a picture of the potential storm that rolled in right after I got to Hooters.

All that storm really did was dump rain. It cooled things off, though, so that was nice.

While I was at Hooters, I had a couple glasses of Newcastle (9808) while I talked with Jeff. Then I went to Sluttopia to meet up with some old guy who was going to loan me a guitar, but he was a no-show. Damn old people. They can't be trusted for shit.

And that was it. Now I'm back home, wondering what happened to my weekend.

I was really bored for most of the day yesterday. I watched a couple of movies and shot some pool, and that was about it. At about 6:00 I went to Rich O's. It was quite early to be going there, but I thought I might be leaving early, so then it would all even out.

It was pretty dead in there. Kind of a typical Summer Saturday night. So I was able to grab the throne after just a few minutes. I sat there all night. I had three Delirium Tremens (1350), over the course of about four hours, then I switched to Diet Cokes. I traded some emails with RockGirl and LaptopGirl. I talked to PearlGirl in person, and I talked to WeirdGirl on the phone.

Once PearlGirl left, still fairly early, the place was a sausagefest for the rest of the night. Just me and some PBDs sitting around yammering about various nonsense.

I did manage to always keep at least one eye on the door, but nobody interesting ever came in. So that was disappointing.

When they closed-up and kicked everybody out, I came home. I was going to go to White Castle, but I forgot.

Oh yeah, some AWOL guy let me try a sample from his bottle of mead. It was gross.

What's your salad dressing of choice?
I like the sesame-ginger dressing with the Asian salads at McDonald's.

What is your favorite fast food restaurant of choice?
If you count Polly's Freeze, then there. Otherwise, probably Wendy's.

What is your favorite sit-down restaurant?
I like Red Lobster a lot.

What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of?
Probably cheese pizza.

What are your pizza toppings of choice?
Cheese, and if I have to pick another topping, then I guess pepperoni.

What do you like to put on your toast?
Jelly.

TECHNOLOGY

What is your wallpaper on your computer?
A Terragen landscape I made a few years ago.

How many televisions are in your house?
Giant one in living room. Little one in guest room. Big one in Basement. Small one in guest bathroom. Other big one in basement. Tiny portable one that's around here somewhere. I think that's it, so six.

What color cell phone do you have?
It's a black Blackberry.

BIOLOGY

Are you right-handed or left-handed?
Right.

Have you ever had anything removed from your body?
Wisdom teeth. And I was circumcised as a baby so, quick everybody, IMAGINE ME NAKED!

What is the last heavy item you lifted?
Bags of water-softener salt.

Have you ever been knocked unconscious?
Don't think so. Not by any physical blow at least.

BULLCRAPOLOGY

If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die?
Sure, what the heck.

If you could change your name, what would you change it to?
Belvedere Jehosaphat.

Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000?
Doubtful. I'd need at least $10,000, maybe $1,000,000 if it was hot enough to actually damage me.

DUMBOLOGY

How many pairs of flip flops do you own?
I think there's a pair around here somewhere.

Last time you had a run-in with the cops?
When this and then this happened. Or maybe the day I met MixedSignalGirl counts as a run-in.

What do you want to be when you grow up?
Not so fast there, Sparky. Who says I'm going to grow up?

Last person you talked to on the phone?
WeirdGirl late last night.

FAVORITOLOGY

Number?
Who cares?

Season?
Summer. I used to like Winter, back when it would actually snow.

Holiday?
I'm still partial to New Year's Eve.

Day of the week?
Saturday.

Month?
June.

CURRENTOLOGY

Missing someone?
About every ten seconds, on average.

Mood?
Whatever.

Listening to?
Nothing except my cat Buddy in the final stages of starvation - he hasn't eaten since last night.

Watching?
I'm typing into the computer, so I'm watching the letters appear on my screen. Duh.

Worrying about?
Answering one of these questions with something that causes trouble.

RANDOMOLOGY

First place you went this morning?
This presupposes that I went somewhere. I slept until 10:30 and then came here into my office.

What can you not wait to do?
That varies.

Do you smile often?
I have this goofy grin that keeps coming back.

I wasn't really planning to go to Rich O's last night. I also wasn't planning to not go. I was just going to wait and see if I was invited. Because I'd already screwed things up Thursday night, I didn't expect any such invitation.

So I was trying to take a nap. I'd just been woken up, actually, by a text message from MusicalYuppieDude telling me that it was "fuckin loud" at Rich O's. Then a few seconds later, my brother-in-law called to invite me down to Rich O's.

Okay, so not the invitation I'd been wondering about, but a welcome one nevertheless. I threw some clothes on and went.

Upon arrival, I immediately saw the source of the noise that MusicalYuppieDude had complained about. There were a half-dozen drunken idiots over at the bar. Lucky for me, Dina and Kenny were at the island, so I was able to join them and pretty much ignore the noise. Pretty much.

I had a Schlenkerla Marzen (3972) and a little pizza and I talked with Dina and Kenny for an hour or so. LaptopGirl came in and, after some gentle coaxing, talked with us briefly. So Dina got to met LaptopGirl, finally. She had, I'm sure, suspected that I'd just made her up. Like she used to think I'd made HatGirl up.

Speaking of HatGirl, at about the time I ordered my second Marzen (3989) HatGirl texted me that she might be coming to Rich O's. This was a huge relief for me, because I was very seriously dreading what would happen to my mood when Dina and Kenny went home and I was left alone in that crowded room.

I could feel the stirrings of an anxiety attack. It was going to be Thursday night all over again, and there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it.

Anyway, after Dina and Kenny left, and a million PBDs stole my seat at the island, I sat at the bar and tried to contain myself while I waited for HatGirl. I had a third Marzen (4006). I went outside and got some air about a million times.

When HatGirl arrived, I was in a pretty crappy mood. But HatGirl was also in a crappy mood (probably not for the same reason) so it all worked out. We were crappy together.

After I'd finished my Marzen, I had what was left of HatGirl's Delirium Tremens (1317). By the time HatGirl left, LaptopGirl was already long gone, so I just sat at the bar drinking a Diet Coke for another hour or so and waited for my hands to stop shaking.

It was a better night than I'm making it out to be. It certainly could have been worse. Like after I got home I managed to install my new toilet thingy without somehow burning my house down. So that was cool.

Please sit down before reading this.

I'll wait.

Okay.

Today, get this, I actually left my house on a day off work!

I know, unbelievable. But true nevertheless.

After spending the first half of the day thinking up creative ways to kill myself*, I suddenly found myself energized this afternoon. This was a good thing, because I had important and pressing shit I needed to do:

1. Buy a toilet thingy, because my old thingy broke.

2. Buy some water-softener salt.

3. See what new DVDs were at Wal-mart.

So I did the first thing, then I skipped the second thing and went to Wal-mart. While I was buying some new movies, and contemplating going back home to preheat my head at about 400 degrees*, my phone rang.

HatGirl!

Yay!

So instead of offing myself*, I ended up going to Louisville to have lunch with HatGirl. It was, of course, very nice. though this is now twice in less than a week that I've had lunch with HatGirl. I may be becoming spoiled. I may just start showing up at her house to demand, "What are we eating?"

Anyway, I didn't eat anything today. I had a Breckenridge Porter (146) though. It was good. And the company was so good that I didn't need to eat.

And AlliGirl got to meet HatGirl, and vice-versa.

Then we went upstairs to check out some bar prospects for HatGirl's bachelorette party. Because AlliGirl might be able to get HatGirl and her friends in for free.

HatGirl begged and cried*, but I had to put my foot down and tell her that I wasn't available to be the stripper at her party.

Then I went and took care of item number two from above, then I came home.

Fun!

* - Not really.

I wonder if she really understands, why I did what I did. What I had to do.

She says that she understands. She says that she wishes me well.

I believe her when she says those things, and I can tell that she believes it when she says those things.

But sometimes, every now and then, I see something out of the corner of my eye.

I see her looking at me, out of the corner of her eye.

I see something that doesn't quite fit.

I see something.

1. They did it already.

2. It's called Sideways.

3. But it could still be good.

4. I want Cusack to play me.

5. Or Jason Alexander.

6. Really, I want a cross between the two of them.

7. Not particularly attractive, but cool, you know?

8. I'd like a cameo, please.

9. Don't tell me the ending.

10. I want to be surprised.

I get a fair amount of comment-SPAM at barenada.com. Maybe a couple hundred a day. Most of them I just delete. But this one I thought was funny enough to post.

Your site has very much liked me. I shall necessarily tell about him to the friends.

I see, looking back, that it's been over a month and a half since I last reviewed a new beer. This is inexcusable, but the excuse that I'm going to use is that Schlenkerla Marzen has been readily available at Rich O's, and so I've been drinking a lot of that.

Well, tonight was a bust at Rich O's, in several ways, so now I find myself sitting at home almost stone-sober. This can not stand. So I've broken into my 'fridge and am now imbibing a new beer for me. I even took a picture of the thing.

Slaapmutske Triple Nightcap

Hazy dark yellow. Decent head that faded rather quickly. Much more yeasty aroma than others of this style, quite intriguing, though. Mouthfeel a little thin, but standard for the style. Flavor pretty much what the aroma had led me to believe. Apples and yeasts, and some spices in there as well. Pretty goddamn good. I will definitely have more of this.

Tonight was, like I said, a bust at Rich O's. There were several reasons for this. First, I had a glass of New Holland Dragon's Milk (104) in honor of HatGirl, who couldn't make it. I've liked the Dragon's Milk okay in the past, but tonight it just didn't sit well with me at all. It seemed a lot stronger than I remembered. I barely finished the 10-ounce pour.

Next, I tried to drink a Smithwick's, but I couldn't finish the glass (1724). It wasn't helping at all.

The other reason that tonight was a bust was that I, once again, managed to forget what's really important to me. I get so fucking selfish sometimes, I forget almost everything besides my own wants and my own needs. Like those things ever mattered in the least.

I forget that this is all real now, present-tense, and that my actions and my behaviour can have very real consequences.

I ended up coming home at 9:30 or so, and then managed to make matters worse by spending a good part of the next hour and a half flinging giant greasy turds into spinning fan blades.

I hope I can be forgiven. And, if not, then I hope I can forgive myself.

So I'm off work tomorrow, for at least the first half of the day, so I've got to decide what to do tonight.

I could go to Rich O's for a while, or I could stay home and work on some performance appraisal stuff for work.

Let's see, I'll flip a coin.

Heads I'll go to Rich O's, and tails I won't stay home and do performance appraisal stuff.

Here goes...

flip flip flip flip flip catch reveal

It's heads!

Looks like I'm going to Rich O's tonight.

My AlliDay lunch started out on a sour note for me, but it got better.

First, the Newcastle keg blew as AlliGirl was starting to pour it.

Slightly undaunted, I asked for a Breckenridge Vanilla Porter.

That keg blew as well.

I figured I'd go ahead and go for the trifecta, so I asked for a Young's Double Chocolate Stout.

Imagine my surprised relief when AlliGirl was able to pour me a full glass (500). It was very good.

Also, AlliGirl has agreed to help me test my video chat capability. I guess she's not afraid of seeing my dick, like everyone else. So, yay for AlliGirl! Way to be brave!

Now all I have to do is find my old webcam and microphone for her, then we should be able to video chat. Wait, maybe she'll need chat software as well.

Anyway, here's a picture I took today. It looked cooler in person.

I've been spending some time reading through some of my old blog entries. I do this sometimes. One of my random quote thingies will catch my eye and I'll go read the original entry. Then I'll start reading all the subsequent entries for a while.

Like, I just read the stuff from December 2006.

I was in a weird mood for almost that entire month.

I think that the last entry of the month was also my favorite.

I guess I've been fooling myself, pretending with so much effort that there for a little while I actually believed it. I actually believed that it might be different this time.

But the hour looms nearer. The alcohol in my body fogs my senses even as it magically makes things more clear. I can see the truth. I know what's about to happen.

The same thing that happened on the past two occurrences of this date.

This little annual ceremony of mine has been polluted and corrupted. It's not even close to what it once was. It used to be something I'd look forward to. Ring out the old, usher in the new. Crap like that. It was kind of fun.

And now, now it's nothing more than a séance. Intensified, surely, because of the date, but otherwise no different than any of the dozens that preceded it this year.

In less than an hour, it begins again.

I'll extend this invitation to the rest of you. Even though I don't know you, and you could all be perverts, I'll ask you anyway.

I've got a new computer with a new webcam and new chat software.

I want to see if I've got all this stuff set up correctly so I can do a video chat.

I've asked several people, and all have declined. I think it's because they're all afraid that I'm going to whip my dick out or something.

Well, I've already done enough damage to the internet, when I uttered the word fuck in all its cursed glory.

I have no desire to sully the internet any more by introducing nudity to its pristine purity.

So, I promise, there will be no whipping-out of my wee-wee. I just want to see if I can video chat.

Can somebody help?

Today I had an idea to start something the likes of which I haven't done in a while. A series of flash-fiction entries, similar to the old peril series from 2005.

This is as far as I got.

Twirling and dancing as thin ice groans and cracks under his feet. Not oblivious to the dangers, but spiteful of them.

(This is the stupid survey that I was going to answer one question at a time. I changed my mind because I got bored tonight.)

Are you anything like you were at this point last year?
Very similar. Maybe identical.

What's the 8th text in your inbox say?
HatGirl telling me she was going to the beach.

What are you wearing right now?
Same thing I always wear. A crotchless Imperial Stormtrooper costume. It's all I can really relax in.

What are you most looking forward to tomorrow?
Getting off work and taking a nap.

Have you ever been awake for 48 hours?
Don't think so. I think about 36 hours is my personal best.

Are you friends with any of your exes?
Some of them.

What are you listening to?
Nothing

Do you like your first name?
Sure.

Baseball or football?
Baseball been berry berry good to me.

Do you like the color gray?
Does gray really count as a color?

Are you jealous of anyone right now?
Perhaps envious would be a more suitable term. It seems less whiny.

Last time you ate grilled cheese?
I dunno, maybe about February.

Do you regret doing something today?
I overslept by about a half an hour. That always pisses me off.

When you think of the rainbow, what pops in your head?
Which rainbow is THE rainbow?

Have you lost contact with someone you wish you didn't?
Most of the people I've lost contact with, I wish I hadn't.

Do you think you're old?
I sat behind Jesus in second grade.

Are you afraid of the dark?
I like the dark. It's the stobors that lurk in the dark that frighten me.

Have you got a tan?
Stupid question. I'm kind of a dark peachy color.

What are you looking forward to in the next month?
Fourth of July weekend. I want to take a trip somewhere.

When is the last time you talked to number 1 on your top friends?
On myspace, the first friend listed is NotHideousGirl. I haven't seen her in a few weeks. On facebook, it's LaptopGirl, and I talked to her Saturday night.

What color is your hair?
Blonde.

Do you like pancakes?
Sure. I never have them, though.

Have you told anybody you loved them today?
Not out-loud.

Do you miss anyone?
Always.

Are you growing apart from someone close?
Yes, and it pisses me off.

Have you ever liked anyone on your top friends?
No, they all suck.

Do you have a facebook?
Yes.

Who do you trust with EVERYTHING?
I think Dina and RockGirl.

Are you living a lie?
Do lies of omission count?

Sometimes, do you wish you were someone else?
There's a dude I was reading about. His job is to brush the sand off the models during the Sports Illustrated swimsuit shoots. It would be cool to be that guy for a while.

Do you think anyone in general out there loves you?
I hold out hope.

What is one thing you miss about your past?
I miss hanging out with all my friends in Omaha and Seattle.

Can you see yourself ever being with someone you've been with before?
I suppose so, because it's happened before.

Do you talk a lot?
With one person I can't shut up. In a group I'm pretty quiet.

Can you play pool?
Better than you.

When was the last time you cried really hard?
A long time ago.

If you could change your eye color would you?
I'd like to have two differently-colored eyes. Just to see if anyone would notice.

Ever had a song written about you?
I seriously doubt it.

Ever kissed your number 10 on myspace?
My number 10 is my sister, you pervert.

Are you self conscious?
I am aware of, and I acknowledge my existence.

Last bed you slept in and with who?
My own bed with my cat Buddy.

Slept with someone you dont know in a bed?
Don't think so. Oh, wait there was the one time. I knew her pretty well by the time morning arrived, though.

Ever danced infront of the mirror?
No, I'm straight.

How many hours sleep did you get last night?
About four I think.

What do you currently hear right now?
Nothing but keys clacking.

What did you do today?
Worked. Went to Rich O's and got a pizza. Took a nap.

Would you ever forgive someone if they cheated on you?
I've done it before, and it was a waste of effort. I don't think I'd do it again.

Is there anyone you hate?
See the previous answer.

You like the color green?
Stupid question. Depends on what's green.

Last person who told you things were going to be okay?
Probably WeirdGirl. We had a bit of a scare a while back.

Does the number 19 have any significance to you?
What's with all the stupid questions?

Be honest, do you like people in general?
People, in general, suck big ones.

Who was the last person that left you a comment?
At barenada.com, it was somebody I don't know at all. At journalspace, it was this Tammy chick.

Its 4 in the morning, your phone rings who do you expect it to be?
Somebody with bad news.

What do you think your best friends doing right now?
Probably sleeping, if she has any sense.

How old do you think you will be when you finally have kids?
I haven't a clue.

Who was the last friend in your house?
WeirdGirl. Or maybe NotHideousGirl. I dunno, it's been a while.

Can a girl and a boy be besfriends with out having feelings for each other?
I think it will always be lopsided, in varying directions at varying times. The hope is that the friendship is strong enough to handle it.

Of course I could have just gone back to Dina's. And maybe I should have. It would have been the brotherly thing to do, if nothing else.

But see, the thing was, I hadn't seen LaptopGirl in a million bazillion asstillion years, and there was a chance that she might go to Rich O's. So, that's where I went.

I guess I got there a little before 9:00. It was pretty dead - kind of a typical Summer Saturday night. Fine with me. The throne was open, so I sat there and talked with PirateDude and a couple of his friends for a bit.

My first beer was an NABC Flat Tyre (969). This choice, as it turned out, was stupid.

After PirateDude and his friends left, I was alone in the living room. Just the way I like it. But then these two uberhot blonde girls showed up. That was nice of them.

MusicalYuppieDude came and joined us shortly afterwards. In fact, for the rest of the night there was a fairly constant stream of guys coming to sniff around at the uberhot blondes.

My next beer was a Weihenstephaner Hefeweissbier (2390). It was good, but at about the time I got it, I found out that Marzen was on tap.

D'oh!

So I spent the next hour or so just vegging out. I talked to the uberhot blondes for a bit, but my heart wasn't really in it.

I did have a Marzen (3816) for my next beer. OMG it was yummy. I let one of the uberhot blondes have a sip. I don't think she liked it, but VPs almost never like smoked beer.

At 11:00 or so, LaptopGirl showed up, and so of course I promptly forgot about the uberhot blonde girls. I think they were still there, though, because random guys kept sniffing around and the air became tainted with testosterone.

I talked to LaptopGirl for an hour or so.

Yay!

Some ugly old bitch plagiarized her shit. That sucked.

We supposedly split a Guinness, but I ended up drinking most of the thing in one gulp (1869). I was thirsty.

Then somebody suggested that we all go to Jack's. I wouldn't have bothered, but LaptopGirl wanted to go. So we went to Jack's, and LaptopGirl and I "split" a Miller High Life( 8).

Then LaptopGirl got bored, so I walked her back to her car, and we each went to our respective houses.

---

I used to do this thing where I'd migrate between rooms and beds throughout the night. I haven't done it in months, though. But last night I went to sleep in my master bedroom and woke up in my guest room It's kinda scary, that sleepwalking thing. I hope it's not going to become a regular habit again.

I don't know if this is going to be one entry or two or three. I'm not sure that it really matters what it's going to be, but it seems like it should matter. So I can pace myself properly, or something like that.

'Cause there were three Saturdays. And if I seem to skimp on any of them, somebody somewhere is going to think I'm a dick.

Well, I'm not a dick, just so you know. I only portray one from time to time. If I seem to skimp, it's only because my priorities are what they are.

Actually, maybe there were four Saturdays, but I'm not going to count the first one because it was just me sitting at home, glaring at the clock on my computer, waiting for the time when I could go see HatGirl.

---

I ended up leaving home an hour early. I was just too excited. So to kill some of that extra time, I went to this computer store, right next to Famous Dave's, and I bought some cooling fans for my computer.

So, that was pretty exciting.

Then I went into Famous Dave's and grabbed a table. I drank Diet Coke and I watched a boring soccer game (redundant, I know) and a couple of text messages from HatGirl came in.

HatGirl!

Yay!

She was going to be late.

Boo!

This was weird, because I'm pretty sure it was the first time in the history of the universe that any woman has ever been late for anything.

But she did eventually show up, and we got to have lunch and go shopping. It was a really nice time, and HatGirl is pretty and charming, even when she's as clearly stressed-out as she was. I could see it in her face, in her body language, and hear it in her voice. Poor HatGirl!

When I'm in charge of the universe, I will have a rule that HatGirl will feel no stress.

Next, I went to my sister Dina's house for her husband's birthday party. I think he's 308 now. Something like that. I don't ever seem to quite fit in with those huge crowds at Dina's. So I pretty much kept to myself. I talked to SpoonsGirl for a bit. I talked to BadPickleGirl for a bit. I talked to various other people, always for just a bit.

Oh, and I petted Dina's kitties. Two of them, anyway. The other one is scared of me.

So then, because I had to work at 6:00 this morning, I left Dina's at 6:30 or so and came home to try to take a nap.

That didn't work for shit. It was weird - I was completely exhausted until about two seconds after I laid down on my couch. After that, I was wide awake.

And now I think I'm going to split this into at least two entries.

This will get me into trouble.

The things I do write for you people.

Anyway.

I remember when I couldn't take a fucking piss without hitting a Mexican.

But tonight, when I really needed them, were they around?

Fuck, no.

Not a single Mexican to be seen.

Anywhere.

(There was this survey thingy that my sister posted. I started to repost it with my own answers, but then I decided to just use the survey's questions to maybe give me something to write about. So that's what I'm doing. Maybe one interesting survey question a day - that should keep me writing for quite a while. And I won't have to do that annoying thing where I think up my own topics. Unless I want to.)

Are you friends with any of your exes?
I suppose it depends on how you define friends and also on how you define exes.

I'm on friendly terms with all of my ex-girlfriends, I think. But it's not like we're still friends as I understand the term. I mean, it's not like we're always calling each other up and hanging out all the time. This is partly because most of them don't live anywhere near here, but I think that's only part of the reason. Things change, and people drift apart. It sucks, but it happens.

I'm pretty sure that, if I wanted to, I could call up most of my ex-girlfriends, and have a nice talk or whatever. I Iike to think that those relationships all ended on good terms. But the fact is that I don't contact them, and the other fact is that they don't contact me. That's gotta mean something, right there.

What's happened lately, more often, is that relationships deteriorate into purely sexual ones. I don't like it very much when that happens. I like to think I'm good for more than that, and I know that these girls are good for much more than that.

I liked Friday night, for the most part. I was in an inexplicably good mood. One that didn't change to the more familiar feeling of foreboding until I was walking into Rich O's. So that was cool.

They were having a sausage festival in the living room area. I needed to eat so I sat at the kiddie table. Before I'd even ordered my beer and pizza, ArtGirl came in and joined me. That was really nice of her, and very good timing.

So I sat with ArtGirl for the next couple of hours, talking about various stuff. I had a couple pints of NABC Cone Smoker (4158) and then about half a pint of NABC Flat Tyre (949).

Once ArtGirl dumped me to go talk to FutureDude, I was faced with a choice. I could either (a) join the continuing sausage festival, or (b) go home, or (c) stay at the kiddie table and stare at the door on the off-chance that LaptopGirl would show up.

I ended up going home, and apparently missing LaptopGirl by about five minutes. So that sucked.

What's kinda funny is that, if ArtGirl hadn't dumped me and I'd stayed for five more minutes, I'd have dumped her to talk to LaptopGirl.

(There was this survey thingy that my sister posted. I started to repost it with my own answers, but then I decided to just use the survey's questions to maybe give me something to write about. So that's what I'm doing. Maybe one interesting survey question a day - that should keep me writing for quite a while. And I won't have to do that annoying thing where I think up my own topics. Unless I want to.)

Are you anything like you were at this point last year?
My first thought, upon reading this question, was that a year ago I was but a hint of my current self. Like all the pieces were there, they just hadn't been assembled yet. I was just starting to rise from the depths of the gray place that had been my home for such a long time. I wasn't quite ready to believe what was happening, but I was beginning to accept the possibility. I was beginning to have hope. Me, of all people. Hope, of all things.

But things change, tides ebb, perspectives shift, hues fade.

The thing is, right now, I'm exactly the way I was a year ago. But now, now it's like I'm being disassembled. Now, I'm falling again. Now, hope is dissolving and gray reality is coming back into stark focus.

I'm living my life in reverse.

In my mind, I pass that old version of myself, as I slowly sink and he rises ever so gently. We're both accelerating. Me with this growing look of dismay, he with the timid beginning of that stupid grin that I saw so often in the mirror.

But do I wildly wave my arms at him? Do I shout warnings that it's all just an illusion? Do I try to grab hold of him, so that he might arrest my fall?

No, because I might end up stopping his ascent, and that would be cruel. Instead, I will let him have his fun. Instead, I will let him continue to grow that stupid grin. And I will look up at him for as long as he's visible. And I will remember what it was like to fly. And I will try not to weep.

In a year or so, I'll try to catch him as he plummets back home.

There's this thing, this life lesson I suppose you could call it, that I just can't get to stick in my brain for any length of time. Certainly not long enough to ever be useful.

I suppose that, were I to give this life lesson a semi-serious attempt at expression, it would go something like this:

Things are as they are. Things may change, either over time or instantly, but I have little control over the form those changes may take, or of their timing. Also, anytime I attempt to coerce a change, it usually makes things worse than they were before.

I think things are good, then I get punched in the gut. I think things are progressing, and I get kicked in the nuts. I struggle to move beyond those events, and I finally start to feel better again, and I get slapped in the face. And I just keep taking it. I withstand it all, and I never fight back, and I pretend that I'm not reeling from the pain and the shock. I pretend that I'm not livid.

Things are as they are. I have no control. I am a willow in the wind. I must learn to love the wind, even though it may uproot me and send me tumbling into death.

I'm just trying something here. I got a new webcam.

I don't care what weather.gov says, it's cold tonight. Too cold to comfortably enjoy sitting on my swing with this Marzen (3779), that's for sure.

Maybe it would have been better if I'd put some more clothes on, but it's June. I will not get all layered-up in June in Southern Indiana.

But the cold isn't why I came back in to the house. Nope, I came back into the house because there are fucking stobor outside.

The first one, I thought maybe it was a cat. It was way too dark to see anything more than an indistinct blob of darkness of indeterminate size. Like the last time, I asked the hopeful, "Kitty kitty?" But, like the last time, it wasn't no kitty. It was clearly a stobor which ran into my garage and started tearing into the crap piled therein.

I sat and listened to it, trying to gauge its size from the racket it was making. I was estimating somewhere between a racoon and a Tyrannosaurus Rex, when I heard another stobor. Out in the front yard, as near as I could tell.

Imagine that you take an animal that almost never makes a sound. A rabbit perhaps, or maybe an opposum. Now, imagine doing something horrible to that animal. Step on it. Skin it alive. Fuck it up the ass. Something painful enough to cause that normally quiet animal to make the most terrible sound in the universe.

That's what that second stobor sounded like.

But seriously, if you really thought about fucking that poor animal up the ass, then please seek professional help. Because that's just sick.

Anyway, it must have been a mating call or a challenge or something, because the stobor in my garage answered almost immediately with that same awful wailing sound. And then I saw it, or rather its accompanying blob of darkness of indeterminite size, exit my garage and zoom into my front yard.

You know what's worse than the most terrible sound in the universe? Well, I'll tell you. It's two sources of that sound, joined together in an unholy harmony.

And that's the next sound that invaded my ears, as the two stobor began to mate or fight with each other.

Whatever it was they were doing, I didn't care. I took that opportunity to retreat into my house.

I'm actually shaking now.

So the other day I was asked to provide an example of my weirdness. I provided an example at that time, and I wrote about it here.

And now, at great risk to my already fragile reputation, I will now give another example of my weirdness.

This was Wednesday night. I got this really stupid fantasy in my head. I was sitting out on my swing, enjoying a lovely Marzen (3579), and I thought that my phone might ring. Never mind that it was very late at night - it was my really stupid fantasy, and so the time was pretty much irrelevant.

Anyway, my phone never rang. So I got more and more antsy about it, and I did something stupid.

I sent an email.

Surely, I thought, Surely now my phone will ring to either indicate an incoming email or a text message or a phone call.

But alas, my phone sat silent beside me on my swing. Mocking me with its silence. My phone is so mean sometimes.

Then, at about 2:30 in the morning, I began to feel tired. I needed to go into my house and get some sleep, but I still had that really stupid fantasy in my head. And in that really stupid fantasy, see, I was outside when my phone rang. So, I figured, if I went inside my house, I'd be giving up on my really stupid fantasy.

Well, I didn't want to give up on the thing. It was a nice really stupid fantasy. I didn't want to go into my house and go to bed and give up on it.

So, brilliant tactician that I am, I went and got my tent and my sleeping bag and my pillow. I set up camp in my backyard, and I slept out there.

Weird, right?

But I never gave up on my really stupid fantasy. Because I'm all stubborn and shit.

Okay, so it wasn't so much a limb that fell Tuesday morning. It was more like half the tree fell.

A crappy picture of how the stupid thing ended up straddling the property line.

Another picture, taken from my neighbor's driveway.

This thing defied all attempts to locate a good shooting position.

Here we see what I meant when I said it wasn't a limb that fell. It was more like the tree split apart at the crotch. Like a whore in a hurry.

Since this break is about 30 feet in the air, I can't tell if attaching a rope and yanking with my truck will be good enough. It looks pretty dubious.

I suppose I'm not exactly feeling my best right now.

Physically, I'm still weak from this stupid sinus infection. Mentally, I'm feeling just a little bit lost. Like I'm not sure what to do for the next several days.

It's not that I won't be able to find some way to pass the time, perhaps even enjoy the time, but I don't think I'll really be able to look forward to anything. So even simple planning seems like a waste of effort.

I suppose I could just hole-up here at home. Shoot some pool, watch some movies. Things like that used to be enough for me, but that was a long time ago. Another life ago.

---

Oh yeah, I had a big-ass fucking tree limb fall this morning. This one grazed the side of my detached garage, and may have damaged my fence. The big problem with this limb is that it's still partly attached to the tree - about 30 feet up. So I don't know what I'm going to do. I already tried closing my eyes and counting to ten, but the damn thing was still there when I looked again.

Stupid non-imaginary limb.

I'll take some pictures of it tomorrow, if I remember, and it's not raining.

If I can get the limb on the ground, then I can cut it up or maybe just drag it into the woods. I think I'll try to attach a rope to it, then pull it free with my truck. It might work.

---

I was wondering about something today. Wondering if something cool might happen. Well, it didn't happen, but that's okay. It was a long shot.

It would have been really cool, though.

Okay, so in what may go down in history as The Most Ironic Thing Ever In The History Of Everything, tonight LaptopGirl took a step toward knowingly being my new muse, when she asked me why I'm not writing in my blog.

So much for secret number two.

I'll admit, I could certainly use a muse. I can't seem to find any motivation on my own. So I guess I should take whatever help and/or encouragement I can get.

But c'mon, LaptopGirl?

Seriously?

Okay, fine.

The other night, Saturday night if you desire any sort of precision, LaptopGirl seemed to take great umbrage at my near-constant use of the word "weirdo" to describe myself. I don't think it was because she really disagreed, on principle, with my use of that word - I think her outrage was a two-parter.

Part the First: She wanted to understand just what the fuck I mean when I write that I am weird.

Part the Second: I'm pretty sure that LaptopGirl feels that she has staked a claim for herself onto weirdness, and she isn't sure that I'm worthy of that label.

Anyway.

Questions questions questions.

What do I mean when I say that I'm weird?

Can I provide an example of my so-called weirdness?

Why am I weird?

Answers answers.

I think that when I say I'm weird, what I really mean is that I'm in a weird mood. My weirdness is certainly nothing like the weirdness which I'm constantly accusing certain people at Rich O's of displaying. Those people suck, while I myself am awesome.

Sure. Saturday night I felt that being at Rich O's was the stupidest thing that had ever been stupid. But, I also did not want to miss LaptopGirl if she were to show up. So my compromise was that I avoided everyone, sat in the parking lot for most of the night actually, until LaptopGirl showed up.

Now, that third question was a bit of a lit fuse, or so it seemed at first. When LaptopGirl asked me that question, everyone within 20 feet of us immediately stopped their conversations. I think they all held their breath. I know I held mine. Everyone looked at me, not even bothering with false apathy, to see what my answer would be.

Would it be, fucking finally, the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth? Or would it be a cop-out?

So I looked into LaptopGirl's eyes, as well as I could, considering the distance between us and the distortions caused by the lenses of our glasses. I looked into her eyes as deeply as I could, being very careful not to drown, and what I saw was that it wasn't a serious question.

She was neither looking for, nor expecting, a serious answer. The serious answer.

So I didn't provide that serious answer.

It was a cop-out. Maybe.

Okay, so now I've written something in my blog. Time for bed.

I guess I still don't feel like writing anything just yet, so here is a picture of a squirrel peeking out from a tree in my backyard.