Monday, May 31, 2010
posted by dave at 1:30 AM in category travel

I'd thought that Charleston would be like Portland, Maine. I don't know why thought that, exactly. I guess because they're both old harbor cities. I really liked Portland when I went there in 2005, and I was thinking that Charleston would be the same, except (a) warm, and (b) there would be more women wearing big hats.

Well, it most definitely wasn't warm. Maybe in the 40s, but with a wind chill of a billion below zero. I did see several women in hats, but I suspect that they were planted there to fool the tourists.

There were a lot of tourists. Many more than I was expecting. Most of them seems to be riding around in horse-drawn carriages and blocking the streets. I was there on Friday morning, and all of the street and sidewalks were packed with tourists. I'd hate to see what it's like on a weekend.

In the end, I didn't stay in Charleston. My biggest problem was that it just didn't feel right to me. It seemed like a couple's town. There was a huge historic district, full of shops and bars and such, just made for walking and exploring, but not by a single person. I dunno, it was just a vibe I got.

posted by dave at 12:58 AM in category daily, weather

If I decided to write something every day, which I haven't done, I think it would be hard.

It seems to me that there are two primary sources of inspiration for blog entries.

1. Something that I've been thinking about.
2. Something that happened.

Well, as I've said before, I have too much of one thing and not enough of the other.

I could, if I was really determined, write about the rainstorm that trapped me at the mall today. About how it trapped me just outside the JC Penney, with about a dozen old women. We all stood under this awning, waiting for the rain to let up so we could get to the parking lot dryly.

I could also write about how, after about five minutes, I realized that there I was, ostensibly a man, cowering with a bunch of old women, and that perhaps I should just grow a pair and fuck it and get wet.

Then I could write about how, after about three steps into that rain, I was as wet as I'd have been if I'd just jumped into a lake.

But I won't write about any of that stuff, because it's boring.

You can thank me later.

Then I had Red Lobster for dinner, and it was yummy. Company would have been nice, though.

That's boring, too.

Sunday, May 30, 2010
posted by dave at 1:15 AM in category ramblings

As long as I'm repeating myself over and over and over, I'll say that sometimes I really wish I could still write.

I have lots of ideas for blog entries. No, really, I do. Please stop laughing.

Like tonight. I was watching this movie that this one girl says is about this one dipshit, and it gave me an idea for a blog entry. It's a really good idea, and one that I haven't touched upon here before.

And that, unfortunately, takes me back to where I started.

I wish I could still write.

Because this is, like I just got done saying, a good idea for an entry. It could be funny and sad and thought provoking and maybe even moving. Tears of laughter would intermingle with regular tears. Yes, it's that good.

So good that I find myself woefully unworthy of writing about it. It deserves better than me.

I keep thinking, hoping, that it will come back. That elusive quality that my words used to have. Where I'd come back weeks or months or even years later, reread some words I'd once written, and think, "Wow, I did a hell of a good job with this entry. Almost like a real writer."

But, right now, tonight and this week and this year and fuck even this decade I suppose, that old spark just isn't there. I certainly try, every now and then when I feel like it, but my words no longer live up to my thoughts.

With all that drivel said, here is, in my opinion, the best thing I ever wrote.

Friday, May 28, 2010
posted by dave at 8:39 PM in category pictures, quickies
I just heard some. A nice storm would be cool.
I went by my old school today. It's changed so much on the outside. I'd love to take a tour of the inside.
I should sleep, but I don't want to.
Watching Never Been Kissed. I'd forgotten how funny it is.
I should take a nap and wake up when women aren't crazy anymore.
Going home now. I don't know why. Have to go somewhere, I suppose.
I finally bought a waterbed, but it won't be delivered for two weeks. Grrr.
I just thought of something. It's a secret, though.
Deja something
Sitting in my garage again. This is how I started this long-ass night.
I'm home now. I'm not really sure why, but maybe it's for the best. I'm beyond tired, by the way.
But nooooooo
Now I'm at Rich O's because OddlyFamiliarGirl.
I'm trying to enjoy these warm nights as much as possible. Winter is less than seven months away, after all.
If NotHideousGirl was here, I'd hold up one finger. She'd know what I meant.
I went grocery shopping and, for the first time in about 18 months, bought a bunch of frozen stuff. Now my new freezer is stuff with yummy food. The fridge is still a little bare, though.
The new kitchen stuff is all installed. Now I'm sitting at Rich O's pondering a waterbed purchase.
They're here!
Up early and waiting for my new stove and fridge to arrive.
I'm so happy now! I don't even care how long it lasts.
I got six new puzzles in the mail today. I can't decide which one to mess with first!
Trying to decide if those were really hints, and whether I should ignore them or not.
Flooding stopped. Sitting in my garage with some nice Cone Smoker for a while.
The shutoff valve on the water-supply line for my fridge is, apparently, just for decoration.
I forgot to buy a microwave when I bought a new stove today. Now I've got to go back to stupid Sears.
It would have been fun.
I really had a good time this evening.
It's not just a request. It's not even an edict. Nope, it's a symptom, and that's much worse.
Words to live by
"Train tracks can't walk, because they don't have any feet." -- A cool little kid
Pizza night?
Feeling very unmotivated today.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
posted by dave at 1:09 AM in category ramblings

This isn't going to work. But I guess I'll try. I said that I would, after all.

My brain is useless right now. Too much NABC Cone Smoker (6028). So I'll let my fingers do the writing. Such as it will probably be.

That last sentence made perfect sense to me, by the way.

I'm supposed to write about faith. This is, believe it or not, something with which I am intimately familiar.

Because I fucking have it.

Not in a supreme being, like too many of my friends. Not in karma, like a lot of my more hippiefied friends. And not even in myself, as I'm so often urged to do.

Fuck that. Who am I to deserve such consideration? Such faith?

I believe in one thing. I trust in one thing. I live for one thing. I have faith in one thing.


Weird, I know.

But it's never wavered, not even once, not even a little bit. Everything else stands on wobbly legs and sways dangerously and threatens to collapse and kill and maim, but love is a fucking rock. It's a rock shored up by other rocks, defended by more rocks, and camouflaged by even more rocks.

I know, that's a stupid series of metaphors. But it's about as true as my fingers can type right now.

People look at me, quite often, like I'm crazy. It used to bother me. But now, now I think they're just jealous.

Because, no matter how unwarranted or undeserved or unjustified or just plain silly and stupid this might be, it's still more real than anything most of those other people have ever experienced.

And it will continue. It will remain. It will last until, eventually, sooner or later, it will be my dying thought.

I have zero doubt about this. This will happen. I have faith in it.

So there.

Monday, May 24, 2010
posted by dave at 1:43 AM in category pictures, quickies
Not there yet. It's close, but it's very shaky. Kind of like my faith, I guess. Note the use of lowercase.
StupidGirl just told me to write about faith. I suppose that I will, but not until I'm in the proper mood.
Cuteness overload
I shit you not - five baby bunnies were just cavorting in my driveway, no more than twenty feet in front of me.
There's a little baby bunny outside my front door. I think it looks cute, and my cats think it looks delicious.
The fridge I bought is silver and black. My stove and microwave are white. So, eventually, I'll buy a new stove and microwave (and stove hood!) so everything matches again. No, I'm not gay; I just want things to match.
I think I'll go buy a new fridge today. They seem a lot less expensive than they used to be. I'm tired of living out of this tiny dorm-size fridge.
This is nothing personal...
Went to Rich O's. After about two seconds, reality reminded me that it was stupid to be there, so I came home.
Clothes almost dry. Almost time to leave my house.
Poet and don't know it.
That was a nice way to end my long day.
I'm either slightly sick, or extremely tired. Sometimes it's hard to tell.
Maybe there's a gun that shoots out little kittens and the enemies put down their guns to pet the kittens and then they can be captured without bloodshed.
Slate is heavy.
Call me. Or don't. I wish you would, though.
Dessert of champions
Lunch of champions
Today I went and saw AlliGirl, then I got my hairs cut. Now I'm at Rich O's.
Today, I think, is the best chance I've had in a long time to get back on a normal schedule. I can do it, as long as I don't take a nap this afternoon.
I never did like this stupid game anyway.
Sitting at the bar at Rich O's, doing what I do. It's bittersweet.
I should have stayed, but I shouldn't have stayed. Does that make sense? I wanted to stay, but I didn't want to stay. I didn't stay, but I should have.
Wow, just wow. So there.
I got a blister on my finger from filling out a million forms.
Hi ho, hi ho...
I got a job that I really wanted! Yay!
Wow. I really feel like we accomplished something tonight. Now, I hope to accomplish getting some sleep. I bet I have good dreams...
It's cold tonight. Have I mentioned that it's late May? Well, it is.
Home now, but seriously thinking about leaving again.
Getting the travel bug really bad. Going to check airfares when I get home.
The secret mission was a bust. Now I'm back at Rich O's for some reason.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
posted by dave at 7:00 AM in category dreams

I dreamed that I was asleep on my couch. Or, maybe it was my grandmother's couch. It's hard to tell, all those dream couches look alike. Plus, it was night in my dream.

In my dream, I heard a noise. Just a noise, no more describable than that. I opened my eyes just in time to see somebody walk up to the couch and crash a baseball bat down on my head.


I felt every bit of the pain from that blow, just before I blacked out.

Saturday, May 22, 2010
posted by dave at 2:00 AM in category general

Okay, this is just about the best use of the internet that I've ever seen.

Go, and read the whole thing. You won't be disappointed.

Friday, May 21, 2010
posted by dave at 3:03 AM in category work

When I told RockGirl that I'd gotten a permanent job offer today, and that I'd accepted it, she replied with, "Yay, I guess."

By the way, I italicized that word above because, as I learned a little over a year ago, permanent doesn't really mean what people think it means.

Anyway, I knew exactly what RockGirl meant.

After exhaustive research, I have determined that money is a good thing to have. But, another thing that's good to have is tons of freedom.

Sometimes, you can't have them both. Sometimes, you have to choose.

And, since my grand lottery plan never did work out, I had to choose. I chose money, and everything that comes with money. Food, housing, etc.

Plus, I'm really excited about this job. I know, everybody says that, but I really am.

Thursday, May 20, 2010
posted by dave at 7:41 PM in category general

I get so tired at around this time every night.

"Fine," I say. "I'll just go to sleep and then wake up at a resonable time tomorrow morning. It'll get my schedule back to normal. It'll be awesome."

But noooooooooooooooo!

If I go to sleep now, then I'll suddenly find myself wide awake around midnight, scratching my head and wondering what it was that woke me up so completely.

And then I'll be up until 6:00 or so tomorrow morning.

posted by dave at 7:28 PM in category general

The thing is, this has been an utterly relationship-changing event. Perhaps even a relationship-destroying event.

Why am I the only one who see this?

And I don't normally believe in slippery slopes, but this one is totally frictionless!

Why am I the only one bothered by this? Why am I the only one devastated by this.

She would probably say she's just being optimistic, but the truth is that she is being very naive.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010
posted by dave at 4:22 PM in category quickies
I hope a certain person is feeling better today.
Off to Rich O's for a bit, then to a thing which I'm not allowed to mention. Feel free to speculate, though.
That's the first time I've ever even liked that song, and I absolutely loved it.
Oh well
Trying to be nice, and was met with derision. Oh well, at least I tried.
Having a good time, except now my spider sense is tingling.
I knew it was only a matter of time, anyway.
I just had a brilliant idea. A bottle of The Reverend.
The interview went well. Heading to Rich O's for preemptive celebration.
Everybody cross your fingers, please.
Better safe than sorry
I have a job interview at 3:00. They didn't specifically mention it, but I bet they're expecting me to wear clothes. I should make sure I have some.
For those of you keeping score at home, I'm still awake. I should never have gone there tonight. That was stupid of me. I should known better. And then, on top of that, I went and had hope. That was outright retarded.
Going home now, I guess.
Doing the right thing all the time is boring. Sometimes I want to do the wrong thing.
I'm nowhere near drunk enough to be taken advantage of, but I can pretend.
Well, that was a nice surprise.
Hey, I have an idea! I'll go to Rich O's!
Not because I don't want to, but because I shouldn't.
That was a perfectly normal reaction, I think. Not inappropriate at all.
I forgot about pizza night again.
I don't think HatGirl is mad at me anymore!
Now I'm at Rich O's. I'm here so early because I was afraid I would have taken a nap if I'd stayed home.
Just woke up. Slept later than I'd wanted, but it could have been worse.
I've had two really good days in a row, but I am not fooled. I'm fully aware that these have been illusions at best, lies at worst. I've just tried to enjoy the moments.
Watching the Survivor finale. I'm glad that my tivo was smart enough to record it for me.
Time for White Castle!
Would it kill her? Maybe, but in a good way.
Left to my own devices again.
By the way...
...nice legs.
I want to take a nap, but I also want to glare at my phone. Maybe I'll take a nap and dream about the glaring. That would be efficient.
I think I'm going to go see if stupid Bearno's is open. I'm craving their little cheeseburger thingies.
posted by dave at 3:30 PM in category general

I guess I always think it's funny when people read what little I allow myself to post here and they think they're experts on my life and thoughts. Either that, or it pisses me off. I forget which.

posted by dave at 3:09 AM in category ramblings

I took a walk. Not a long one, maybe just a couple of miles. To the end of my road and back. It was a little chilly, and a little drizzly at times, but it was still nice. As an unexpected bonus, I got to pet a kitty in the gas station parking lot.

I never did get anywhere, though. Not really.

RockGirl was telling me about a movie she'd seen, with a quote that went something like, "half the people are running toward happiness, and the others are running away from sadness."

I like that quote. I'm not really sure where I fit into it. Usually I feel like I'm just spinning in place. Sometimes I get dizzy.

I think that tonight, I was walking away from something. I had two ideas for blog entries. I didn't really want to write either of them. Both are bad ideas, but both need to be said.

I walked, like I said, for a couple of miles. It wasn't nearly far enough. I never escaped these ideas. They followed me. They're still here.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010
posted by dave at 7:40 PM in category daily, pictures

So, apparently, Pizza Hut is now hiring disabled people to take phone orders. Good for them, I guess.

Before this, I was pretty sure that I'd seen every possible misspelling of my last name. Even the infamous Sililililitz from 1986.

For an added chuckle compare the phone number to my actual number.

Sunday, May 16, 2010
posted by dave at 11:49 AM in category quickies
Dreamed that I was at a baseball game. Mariners vs. Rangers. The Mariners were up 5-3 in the sixth when I woke up. It was an exciting game. I wish I'd slept long enough to see which team won.
About a million times, I really wanted to kiss her, though. By that, I mean I really really really really really wanted to kiss her.
Sitting in my garage enjoying the nice night/morning, and really enjoying my last bottle of Alaskan Smoked Porter.
I'm home now. I had a really nice time tonight. No hopes were dashed, mostly because I had none to begin with.
Yay and yay!
HatGirl is here!
ActualGeorge is here!
Glaring at my phone!
Bier Prost is happening again at the casino. What a lame event that was. My date was hot, though.
Back home. Had a good time. Maybe even feeling good enough for Rich O's.
Not really sure what to do today. Glare at my phone? Take a road trip? Can't really do both at the same time; it's unsafe.
Okay, fine, I'll get up.
I liked Waterworld. And, if that's not enough, I also liked The Postman.
Why didn't I think of this sooner? It might have explained everything.
I'm so happy that it's finally warm. I love sitting outside at night, but only when it's warm.
So there.
The problem with that is this...
Had a really good interview. Going to Rich O's to celebrate.
AlliGirl isn't back to work yet.
Going to see AlliGirl for lunch at The Pub. So, this week, Friday is AlliDay!
I had the most fantastic bittersweet memory just now. Wow. I need to cling to this.
My right fingers smell like pine sap. I have no idea why.
I would have gone. It might have ended horribly, but maybe not. I bet it would have been cool.
Out of order
The restroom at Rich O's is broken. We have to trek to the Sportstime restroom. Grrr.
I'm excited to see HatGirl!
I'm back on Earth now. There was no cell signal on Mars.
Thinking about going to Burger King for breakfast.
I think I'm tired.
I'm back home now. I'm not sure why.
Been talking with HotEuchreGirl. I think she might have new glasses.
Still wondering what that was all about.
Saturday, May 15, 2010
posted by dave at 1:24 AM in category ramblings

People ask me. All the damn time, they ask me.

I tell them that I don't know. Then, in a somewhat firmer voice, I state that I don't want to talk about it.

That second part is kind of a lie. The insistence in my voice is as much for my own benefit as it is for my interrogators.

Because, I do want to talk about it. I want another pair of ears to hear the story. I want another brain to process the information. I want another pair of lips to, I suppose, explain to me that which I haven't been able to explain to myself. I want, maybe even need, a different perspective.

I desperately want to talk about it.

But, I don't. I'm trying to be a nice guy, after all. Deserved or not, I'm trying.

So, I don't talk about. I pretend that my silence is my choice, but it's not. I don't talk about it because she doesn't like it when I talk about it. And I don't blame her for that. I'd be the same way, in her situation. Whatever that might be.

That first part, however, from way back at the beginning of this stupid entry, is the truth; I really don't know what's going on.

I have my suspicions and opinions, though. And I don't like them very much.

And I really really really wish that I didn't care. My life would be so much easier, if I could just stop caring.

But, I do care. I suspect that I will always care.

That suspicion scares the shit out of me.

Friday, May 14, 2010
posted by dave at 12:21 AM in category comics

This conversation actually took place, earlier tonight.

Thursday, May 13, 2010
posted by dave at 6:15 AM in category daily

Yeah, I'm awake again. Been that way for a couple of hours. So I got five hours of sleep. That should be enough, even for the long day ahead of me. Heck, it might even help to get me back onto a normal schedule.

In a few hours I get to drive to Bumfuck, Egypt, to attend my uncle's funeral. There seems to me some confusion, at least on my part, about exactly when the thing is happening. Either noon or 11:00. So I'll show up in time for either schedule.

That will all eat about four hours out of my day, I think. Then I have a dinner date with HatGirl! Yay! That will be nice. It's been a long time. I hope she doesn't cancel on me again.

Then, I dunno. Maybe Rich O's will be safe. I doubt it, though.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010
posted by dave at 10:40 PM in category ramblings

Okay, so I wrote this back in 1996:

A million times.

Disappointment times a million.

It never fades. It never gets any easier. It always astounds me with its intensity.

Someday, it will end.

Someday, in a portion of a fraction of an instant, disappointment will transform into joy.

Until then, disappointment will be my reason for living. My purpose. My destiny. My fucking calling.

After that, well I guess I'll have to wait and see what happens after that.

That was written well over three years ago, for those of you still doubting me.

Anyway, that one sentence - the one about joy?

Hope is what caused me to write that sentence.

I miss having a reason to write sentences like that.

Maybe someday, somehow, I'll have another reason...

Damn. There I go again, having stupid hope.

posted by dave at 10:55 AM in category pictures, quickies
Nature's alarm clock
I love waking up to the sound of thunder!
I'm up late. I wonder if I'm the only one.
Sometimes, you just want some company.
Such a brave face she wears! I'm so proud of her.
There's a stobor out here in my garage.
I should get one, to hold ice and beer while I sit in my garage. It would class up the joint.
Now I can die happy.
I'm not sure how I feel about that color...
Dammit. I wish things had been different. Were different. Would be different. So there.
GemGirl is here!
I forgot about last night being pizza night, so it will have to be tonight.
I had the most wonderful dream.
I think that I have to go. I think that I have to see it for myself. I think that, while it may not help, it's certainly worth a try.
Ask yourself why you keep coming here. Perhaps the answer matters.
Willing... try. Lot of good it's done me in the past, I know.
Movie night
The Reverend and I are watching Avatar.
Trying to remember the last time I saw my Uncle Stan. It might have been Christmas 2008.
The dipshit is here. That's all I fucking needed.
At Rich O's, waiting for OddlyFamiliarGirl.
Restraint is fun. It makes me feel like I'm accomplishing something.
Almost time to head back home.
Great restraint I am showing. Miss her I do.
Small world
I've been talking to a dude and his girlfriend. They both seem really familiar. Turns out I went to college with them in Nebraska.
I'm hungry for steak. I'm going to drive around and look for some. Remember when all I ever wanted was Asian food? That was weird.
Cumberland Nitro Porter is yummy!
Now I'm at this Cock & Bull place. This Alli chick is working. I like her.
Now I've done it
On the road again...
I hate that I keep imagining the worst. The truth is bad enough. Or, it should be.
She flaked. :(
HatGirl is on her way!
posted by dave at 1:55 AM in category ramblings

I find this mood, every now and then. It's a little hard to describe, but I'll try. It's not like I've got anything better to do.

For the longest time, I was that guy. Everyone who knows me, and some who don't, know what I mean by that. I was that guy who...who...who...

Well, I guess I don't want to say it. It's been said a million times already, and its always fallen on deaf ears. Deaf and doubting and disbelieving ears. I won't say that my words were wasted, but that's probably just because I'm being stubborn. If I wasted the words, then I wasted my life. And I don't want to say that. Not yet.

So anyway, there I was, being that guy, and then, then I wasn't anymore. I was someone else.

I mean, I am someone else.

But I'm not sure who, exactly.

I spend an inordinate amount of time searching for clues to my identity. I search my heart, my mind. Sometimes, I search the bottom of a glass. Sometimes, I drive to South Carolina or Covington or Nashville. I fly to Las Vegas. I search and I search, but I elude myself. As I've written before, I'm a slippery bastard.

Every now and then, not as often as I'd like but more often than I'd expect, I find myself in a certain mood. It's the mood I'm in right now.

It's not that I've given up, on this quest for myself. It's not even like I've taken a break. It's more like, like it just slips my mind. Like I forget for a while. I forget, not only that I've changed, but that I exist in the first place.

I'm a disinterested spectator of my own existence.

It's a peaceful mood, but a little boring.

Of course, by writing this entry, I've reminded myself that I don't know who I am anymore. So the search renews. Maybe I'll go out to my garage for a while. There might be storms tonight, and who knows?

Maybe I'm already out there, waiting to be found.

Saturday, May 8, 2010
posted by dave at 7:25 PM in category quickies
Maybe it's really just hope that I miss. Nah.
Going to Rich O's to glare at my phone and cross my fingers for a while.
I'm not going. It's not even close to being worth the risk.
I'm actually a little disappointed. Not surprised, though.
I want to email her that I miss her. I won't, though.
I like the mood that I'm in right now. It suits me.
Keeping my mind busy, inventing scenarios in which this could still work. The problem, with all of them, is that I can't do them alone.
What to do, what to do? I know, I'll go to Rich O's for a change!
Plan B
Okay, so I guess I've decided to stay awake forever. Saves me the trouble of trying to remember my dreams.
I end this night, as I've ended so many nights before, wishing things had been different.
I'm pretty sure that I'm allowed to be sad about this. My heart goes out to AlliGirl and her family.
I was literally standing up to leave when OddlyFamiliarGirl came in. I ended up staying for about 10 more minutes to talk to her, but I was pushing my luck, I think.
HotEuchreGirl is here.
Better at hiding it, but definitely still hiding it.
Trying... maintain perspective. Failing.
Brasserie Pietra
(draft) Scary lager-colored, with a nice white head. Light malty aroma, with hops and nuts also. Mouthfeel is kind of creamy, and the flavor is mild, with malts and grasses. Not bad, not good.
That is all.
That would be nice, I think.
Watching The Breakfast Club on Netflix.
I kinda want to go out to my garage and drink a beer. I kinda want to go to Denny's. So far, I'm doing neither of those things. So far, I'm sitting at my computer because Nugget is asleep on my lap and I don't want to wake him up because he'll dig his claws into me and it will hurt.
Sometimes, I'm funny. Even if I'm the only one who gets the joke.
It was so fantastic, even if it was only for little stretches of time, and even if it was never everything I really wanted.
I took a nap. Then I hit the snooze bar for an hour. So now I'm waiting for my face to dewrinkle so I can go to Rich O's.
Broken record
I really want to get away from here for a day or two.
Wearing a tie for the first time in almost four years.
...I'm still awake. That's one of the problems with having a nice night - I don't want it to end.
Break a leg. I know you'll do great!
I had an actual nice night tonight. It lasted about five hours longer than I'd planned, but it was nice.
There was a kitty in the parking lot, but it wouldn't come to me, and I couldn't catch it. :(
I'm surrounded by preverts.
OddlyFamiliarGirl decided to leave her house!
Worth a try
Hocus-pocus. Abra-cadabra. Etc.
I have a bad feeling about this.
Marzen is back. I was totally over the Fastenbier.
But now I'm wondering if that was part of the test.
...I need a drink.
We're wasting time.
I overshot my mark, and now I'm afraid that I'll be awake all night.
Note to self
I need to buy new sonic doohickies to keep mice away from my Monte Carlo.
Fighting to stay awake, and get my schedule back to normal.
I never really asked for much. Just a chance, really. Now, I'm asking for a miracle. This, I realize, is much less likely, but I'm still asking.
It's pizza night. I'm trying to decide between four places.
I've been painted into one.
That was weird, I think.
I miss the old one. This new one sucks.
And so, it begins...
Friday, May 7, 2010
posted by dave at 4:16 AM in category ramblings

This is a snippet from something I wrote a long time ago. I happened to run across it tonight.

I've lost so many dreams.

Too many to count and too many to even estimate. Some, I've let go all on my own, and some I've had ripped away from me while I screamed and clawed and frantically tried with every tiny bit of my being to just hold on for a little bit longer.

Time to wake up, and dream no more.

Thursday, May 6, 2010
posted by dave at 3:50 AM in category daily

Four hours seems to be my limit on sleep. No matter how tired I think I am, no matter if I feel like I could sleep forever, I always seem to wake up after a couple of hours.

And I don't even seem to wake up like a normal person. There's no period of drowsiness to ease the transition. Nope, one second I'm asleep, and the next second I'm wide awake.

Sometimes, I can remember the dream or the stray thought that so forcefully awakened me, but not often, or even most of the time. Most of the time, it just happens.

So, I get out of bed and I find something to do.

Tonight, I started feeling really tired around 9:30. I was out in my garage, glaring at my phone, waiting for it to woohoo or quack at me. I decided that, if I hadn't heard anything by 10:30, I'd go to bed and sleep forever.

Well, I didn't hear anything by 10:30, so I went to bed. My phone did quack around 11:00, so that was nice. By some miracle, I was able to go back to sleep after that.

I slept until a little after 2:00, when I found myself wide awake.

So, I got up, watched some old episodes of Lost, and then sat down to write this boring entry.

Monday, May 3, 2010
posted by dave at 1:32 AM in category ramblings

I often feel like I'm repeating myself. This is no great stretch of the imagination, because it's often true.

I often feel like I'm repeating myself. Here, in this blog, I mean. So maybe I've said this before. I could search back through over 3,500 old blog entries and find out, but I won't.

That would be too hard, and stuff.

That's what she said.

Anyway. I didn't want to ramble too much. I only wanted to maybe repeat myself. Maybe.

I never thought much about kids. Not any more than normal. Some people might know that I used to have kids, sort of. They were their mother's kids; I was just a stepfather for a while. They were great kids, and I loved them, but then their mother and I went our separate ways, and after a while I stopped thinking about them. I dunno, maybe it was too painful. Whatever.

My sisters have kids, and I'm not the Uncle Dave I would like to be with them. I was off to a good start, I think, when Dina's first two kids were little. But then they grew up and we grew apart. And Neisha's kids always lived on Mars with their parents. At least, that's the excuse that I use. For not being a better Uncle Dave. Same excuse I use regarding Dina's youngest son.

Things are how they are. Kids exist and I tolerate them and sometimes I like them and I'm almost always at least nice to them.

I never thought much about kids. Until...

Wow, I don't think that I'm really allowed to say. That sucks.

So what I wanted to write about now is that, now, I think about kids. All the time.

I think about a baby girl. A daughter, just like her mother. Full of laughter and sparkles and oh so very beautiful and sweet.

Just like her mother.

Whoever that might be.

It's breaking the unwritten rule, I know. Men are supposed to want a son, especially for their first born. It's been a cliché forever; men want a son first.

Not me.

Maybe it's because I'm old enough to feel that even having one child is a pipe dream. Maybe I realize that one child is, at most, all I could ever have. And, the thing is, if one child is all I can father, I want that child to be a daughter.

Just like her mother.

Whoever that might be. She will be so wonderful, though.

I want that to be my gift, someday, somehow. A beautiful baby girl. The greatest gift that any man could ever give to the woman he loves. And it would never have to be repaid, because we would share the gift with each other.

She will be so wonderful.

Just like her mother.

Often, I feel like I'm repeating myself.

Sunday, May 2, 2010
posted by dave at 6:51 PM in category pictures, quickies

Every week or two, I'm supposed to move my oldest quickies to their own blog entry. I haven't done it since November. I guess I've been busy and/or distracted.

If anyone cares, I'm going there tonight.
Probably because I've been watching Lost so much lately, I want to go live on a deserted island and do nothing but glare at my phone and work on my tan.
This isn't happening quickly enough. How can I speed it up?
That's the word of the day. It has been for a while, and will be for a while longer.
Where are all those tornadoes they promised us?
Face in the crowd
Today, I went to the store. So did everyone else in the world.
I was going to write something totally honest and necessary, but I realized that I'm too tired. You are soooooo lucky.
mysterious gray box mysterious blue box mysterious red box mysterious green box mysterious gold box

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