(A follow-up to this entry from last week.)
This entry will be a lot shorter than I originally planned. I must have written 10,000 words over the last week. Most of them are now obsolete, and many more I wrote without ever intending to publish them. I'm just going to provide some excerpts.
(Monday, April 4th @ 10:22 PM)
That may be it, folks. It may not get any more eloquent than that.
Sometime during the next several days, I'm not sure exactly when but sometime this week, she is coming back to visit.
Something will happen. It may last just a second. She may walk into the bar, spit in my face, and walk out. She may walk in and then ignore me. She may be the same sweet and innocent person she's always been. It doesn't matter, because regardless of what happens next, there will be that single moment, when I see her for the first time since all this shit started - there will be at least that single moment when everything is possible. When every terrible possibility and every wonderful possibility and every imaginable and unimaginable possibility in between come together...
Since this all started, I've been groping about in the dark. Sometime during the next few days that will change.
Sometime, during the next few days, I'll find either a light switch or an exit.
Sometime, during the next few days, there will be light.
(Tuesday, April 5th @ 7:19 PM)
I'm excited because when I see her and don't completely freak out or piss myself or have a heart attack or drop to one knee, that's when I'll know with certainty that I've managed to pull myself out of this Black Pit Of Despair And Fucking Woe Is Me Life Is So Unfair that I fell into when she left.
I want to see her, absolutely. I miss my friend dearly. But - and this is vastly more important - I want to be a person again. To myself and to everyone else I want to be a person instead of a collection of symptoms.
(Wednesday, April 6th @ 10:34 PM)
So today has been a little tough. I want to get this over with.
My heart is just trying to do what it thinks is right. It's trying to prepare itself. It's just jumping the gun a little, and if it gets all worked up and sad and angry over not seeing her, it will find itself woefully unprepared for the still-likely event that I do get to see her.
I want to document this entire week. It's important. Perhaps the most important few days of my life. If I don't succeed in making myself whole this week, well, I don't have a plan B. If I don't resolve things this week, I may never do it. I may spend the rest of my life not just alone, but feeling alone. I may spend the rest of my life missing something that I never wanted in the first place.
(Thursday, April 7th @ 6:30 PM)
I've been getting text messages. I'll see her tonight.
I'm actually not nervous at all. That's weird.
(Friday, April 8th @ 12:24 AM)
I am at a complete loss for words.
She's so fucking beautiful.
I did not freak out. I did not piss myself, or have a heart attack. I did not drop to one knee.
No, it was much worse than that.
(Saturday, April 9th @ 10:30 PM)
Well that was an exciting day of disappointment piled upon bullshit.
Seems just like old times.
(Sunday, April 10th @ 10:30 PM)
I started this period hoping, expecting really, to have a lot of my questions answered.
Didn't work out that way.
Oh, I got the one big question answered, and that answer was very surprising to me, but I'm still wondering about some other things.
(Monday, April 11th @ 7:30 AM)
Well I'm sure she'll be gone by the time I get off work.
So, that's it. The end of an era.
Didn't get the closure I was hoping for. Kind of hard to get closure when there was never an opening I guess.
This will be the last entry on this subject. I have a promise to keep.