So I've been having lunch with NotHideousGirl a lot lately. Three or four times a week, I'll go to The Pub and she'll come and join me. It's almost never planned more than 10 minutes ahead of time. It's always perfectly innocent and platonic.
But people wonder, and then people assume.
WeirdGirl, for example, became convinced that I'd ended things with her because I was seeing NotHideousGirl. I'm pretty sure that I've managed to convince her of the truth.
One bartender, a couple of weeks ago, said to me in an awed whisper, "Dude, you're girlfriend is smoking hot!"
The correct response, of course, would have been, "She's not my girlfriend," or something like that. But that's not what I said. What I said was, "Yes, she certainly is."
See, I like the idea of random strangers thinking that I have a smoking hot girlfriend. That I'm capable of having any girlfriend at all. It's social validation of a sort. Deceptive, certainly, but there have been far worse deceptions over the years.
This deception was harmless. And kinda fun.
But it ran its course fairly quickly. The simple fact that NotHideousGirl and I don't act like girlfriend and boyfriend - there's been very little public slaking between us - that simple fact stopped a lot of the assumptions. Okay, fine, there's been no slaking. Add to that the fact that most people are not blind, and that NotHideousGirl especially is clearly not blind, even more doubters are born.
So most people, by now, are no longer wondering about the two of us. Most people now know the truth. That we are just friends.
Most people, but not all. There are still some people who think we're together together.
So NotHideousGirl and I have briefly discussed ways to convince these stragglers that we're not a couple. Convincing them that we were never a couple, that's probably too much to ask for when it comes to these stubborn people.
But a break-up, a break-up we could do.
And it could be awesome.
So we talked about staging a big break-up fight. Right there at The Pub in the middle of lunch hour, where everybody could see. And everybody could make judgments, and place bets, and gossip among themselves.
"I knew they wouldn't last. She's way out of his league."
"Look at him! He's old enough to be her father!"
"It's about time. I mean, he says he likes nerdy girls, but that's just ridiculous."
But this couldn't be just any old fight. Nope, it had to be one where we each maintained some dignity, and ideally, where we each garnered some favorable attention. And maybe even some pity sex. And, and this is the most important thing - it would have to be the kind of fight which would allow us to remain friends even after the "relationship" was over.
I've been thinking about this proposed break-up fight tonight. Trying to come up with the best scenario. Here are some of my ideas.
I'm an asshole and/or she's a bitch
Way too obvious, and way too predictable. All break-up fights eventually come down to one or both of these accusations. We'd need something more memorable than this, plus it could end up being self-fulfilling if either of us plays our roles too expertly.
She won't let me buy her extravagant gifts
I like this one. It's nice and subtle. It says that I have money, which is always a good thing. And it also says that NotHideousGirl isn't the type of girl who'd be expecting gifts all the time. It shows my generosity. And it also shows that NotHideousGirl cares about more than material things.
I'm too much man for her, if you know what I mean
This, on paper anyway, should be my favorite. The problem, however, with this argument, is that it's a lie just waiting to be revealed. And, if it were to be revealed, it would happen at the worst possible time.
She's insatiable, but there should be more than just raw animal sex between us
I like this one too. I mean, every guy dreams of dating a nympho, right? So that would get NotHideousGirl lots of points. And this argument would also show that I am not a typical man. That I am concerned with more than just sex. That I'm all sensitive and shit.
I don't know if we're ever going to do this, this break-up fight. I think it could be fun, but I also doubt that I could keep a straight face.
So I imagine that we'll just have to keep whittling away at those doubting romanticists. Keep telling them the boring truth, and hope that it eventually sinks in.