Monday, August 31, 2009
posted by dave at 11:50 AM in category ramblings

First, some snippets from a February entry:

It changes a man, to see a beautiful face distorted by pain. To see it over and over and over and over and over. To stand helpless and watch the tears flow.

To watch a wonderful soul harden, and to feel your own soul harden with it. Not from pity or compassion or even love, but simply because your souls are irrevocably bound.

This morning I was thinking about that time of my life, just before my 43rd year ended. Just before, as it turned out, a lot of things ended.

I failed her so badly. I failed myself so badly.

And my punishment for that failure is severe, but I deserve so much worse.

Sunday, August 30, 2009
posted by dave at 6:36 PM in category pictures, quickies
Metaphorically, of course
The thing is, just because I liked it, that doesn't mean I wasn't being shit on.
About once out of every million times, I manage to fool myself into believing that I'm better-off now.
I'm craving shrimp scampi. I wonder if they can make it spicy. That would be awesome.
The problem with nice dreams is that you wake up.
Goodnight, cruel world.
Just trying to do what's right, and one thing that's right is not undoing the little bit of progress I've made recently.
It's a nice night outside. I should pitch my tent and camp in my backyard. I won't, though, because I don't have any firewood.
Spitting out worms, staying home tonight.
Yummy worms
Waiting with "baited" breath for word from HatGirl.
Today I'm missing a little kid who, for a while, filled a big hole in my life that I didn't even know I had.
Bought a battery for my Intrepid, and now I'm getting my oil changed. Who says my life isn't rich?
HatGirl! Yay!
In the words of a text I just got from HatGirl, "hhj $ninivviuji o ikiimbnnnn jNBONOOOOOOOOkvm."
I'm really being flooded with spam about watches. Those guys must really be desperate.
Sometime in the next few days, Marzen (14713) is going to pass Newcastle (14782) as the beer I've had the most of in my life. I really never thought Newcastle would be passed. I think it might make me a little sad when it happens.
My sin, apparently, was in seeing something more than a pretty face and a pussy. Seeing much more.
Dammit, where did that wave come from?
When I'm good it's not as impressive unless I'm bad every now and then.
Still alive. Let the rejoicing begin!
Uh oh
I hope this one dude doesn't go postal on us.
Foiled again
Wednesday I had a brilliant idea, but I couldn't find what I needed to being that idea to fruition. Tonight I looked in another store, and couldn't find it there either. Maybe they don't make what I need anymore. That would be a shame.
Like I said, it's not my first choice, but I'll tough it out for a while.
I think that Central is my favorite time zone that I've lived in. I don't know why. Maybe because prime-time TV was over at 10:00, and there'd be a Star Trek rerun or something on before I went to bed.
My doorbell just rang, but when I got to the door, there was nobody there.
Weather report
It's gonna rain here. That should help traffic. Not.
posted by dave at 5:28 PM in category daily

It's Sunday. I should write something. Not because it's Sunday, but because I haven't written anything since Friday.

What to write what to write what to write?

I don't even know. I get these little snippets of ideas every now and then, but they hardly ever turn into entries. Usually because they're too stupid.

Like today, I had this thought that the formula for my life had been proven false, and so I was searching for a new formula.

Barf, right?

Even I can do better than that.

So I don't know what to write. In a little while I'm going to eat and then I'm going to Jack's. Maybe after I get a couple beers in me I'll have an idea.

Friday, August 28, 2009
posted by dave at 3:38 PM in category ramblings

You either do it or not. There is no try. It's either there or it's not.

It's never off in the distance somewhere, so you can see it coming. Nobody ever says, "I don't trust you right now, but next Tuesday should be great."

Trying to trust is like trying to fly. No matter how fast you flap your arms, you're not going anywhere. And you look like an idiot.

It's one of the easiest things to lose, and one of the toughest things to get back.

Sometimes trust can be regained, but it will do so in its own sweet time. Don't bother trying to rush it, you'll only make things worse. Same thing with trying to use guilt.

It can't be reasoned into existence, either, because it's a heart thing, not a brain thing.

Oh, and everything I said about trust also counts for forgiveness.

Thursday, August 27, 2009
posted by dave at 11:13 PM in category quiz

What is on your desktop wallpaper?
It's a picture of the beach at sunset. It's nice.

What is your favorite zoo animal?
I like the big cats.

What was your favorite toy as a child?
We couldn't afford toys. I had a stick that I was quite fond of, though.

What food do you eat too much of?

What kind of hairstyle do you have?
A boring one. I get out of the shower and shake.

What was your favorite activity in gym class?

What is on the shirt you are wearing right now?
A stripe.

What is the picture nearest to you of?

What kind of salad dressing do you like?

Whats your least favorite food?
Beets. What are those things, anyway?

What do you do on a Sunday night?
Lately I've been having dinner then going to Jack's. Sometimes Becky comes to Jack's and we drink and talk and stuff.

If you could only use one condiment on your food for the rest of your life, what would it be?
Does salt count? If salt doesn't count, then why not?

What color are your sheets?
White with green stripes in the guest bedroom, gray with dark gray stripes in the main bedroom.

How big is your computer display?
It's a 22-inch widescreen. I like it.

What pair of shoes do you wear most often?
My sneakers that I just bought.

What is your favorite game?
Pool. Duh.

What is your favorite Thanksgiving food?
Turkey without mayo.

What is your favorite pizza topping?

What time do you plan on waking up tomorrow?
6:40 AM.

What is your favorite day of the year?
I guess my birthday. Or maybe HatGirl's birthday.

posted by dave at 10:54 PM in category quiz

Tonight I took this survey on facebook. I should do a vlog about this. Maybe I still will.

Have you ever had a person close to your heart lie to you?
Yes. It sucks.

Do you think you take responsiblity for your part in problems that arise in relationships?
Often I think that I take too much responsibility.

Do you blame others for the whole mess?
Only when it's their fault.

Is there really a such thing as NORMAL?
I hope not. That would be really boring, I think.

What is the definition of Love? (besides 1 corinthians)
(This was straight out of my blog) I think that love just might be when every possible type of attraction exists at the same time for the same person. That's why it seems so damn overwhelming and confusing.

Have you ever made an extreme decision without support from anyone?
Yes, if doing otherwise would have gone against who I am as a person.

Do you believe in repeat patterns in family, life, and relationships?
Not sure what you mean.

How do you know if your crazy or sane?
I have a good idea.

How much of who you are today was brought on by how you were raised and the circumstances surrounding you?
The circumstances surrounding me made me the way I am.

Have you ever tried to do something good and right only to have hate thrown back at you?
It's been happening a lot recently.

Have you ever had to make a decision that would change everything? If so what was it?
I didn't answer this on facebook, but it's probably okay to answer it here. One time I decided to tell the love of my life that she was the love of my life. It was supposed to change everything, but it ended up not changing shit.

Have you ever lied to your best friend or significant other?
Not for at least a decade.

Have you ever felt completely and totally alone?

Have you ever argued with God?
I don't think so. I've had some cross words with Him, though.

Do you believe that love can grow slowly, or do you believe it happens imediately?
I think there's room for both kinds. I have experienced both kinds.

Have you ever felt like you ruined someones life?
I've felt that way at times. Fortunately, I was wrong.

Do you understand yourself, and how others percieve you?
I understand myself fairly well. I have no clue what other people think about me.

posted by dave at 8:34 PM in category ramblings

Over the last several months, it has come to my attention numerous times, that I should have accepted the fucking offer.

Heh, the fucking offer. That's some funny shit, right there.

But, I didn't. Then, I didn't again. And, finally, I didn't again.

I think that's the correct count of the times I started out being a good guy and ended up being a dumbass.

And, after each episode of retardation, I resolved that the next time it would happen, and then I'd be able to deal with the consequences easier because I'd be wearing a big goofy grin on my face.

But, it never did happen. This was never about that, though. Not for me. There were bigger fish to fry and all that.

But, I ask myself over and over and over and over and over, since when did my desires matter?

Yep, I definitely should have accepted the fucking offer. Every time it was made.

It would have been good.

And now that my entire life has been reduced to nothing more than a series of memories, it would be cool to have those particular memories in my head.

Man, I was such a dumbass. A good guy, but a dumbass nonetheless.

posted by dave at 2:01 PM in category pictures, quickies
3... 2... 1... 0. Okay, fucking fine.
I've been getting lots of spam for watches lately. I bet it's because nobody wears watches anymore.
RockGirl is on some stupid trip and was going to be out of touch for two days. Sensing my desperation, she used the hotel's computer to email me. That was nice of her.
Bird's nest
The 80s called, and they want their hairstyle back.
NeighborsDaughter is here. She's not stuck-up.
It was either all a lie, or it was all me being stupid. I choose option C.
I got to see HatGirl tonight! Yay!
I like this kitty!
Had Skyline for lunch. I'm going to weigh a million pounds if I keep doing that as often as I have been.
My excitement is building, but I don't want to jinx myself.
The cool night air is nice, but it reminds me that Fall and Winter are just around the corner.
My plan is to shut myself in my closet and sob until HatGirl returns. Is that weird?
You might not know it from looking at me, but I'm being a good guy right now. It is both unappreciated and undeserved, but it's how I'm trying to be.
Need synonyms for "cute."
7... 6...
Giving up in 10... 9... 8... It would take so little...
I'm thinking about changing my name.
I think that, no matter what happens in the future, these last few months will always be a black spot.
I woke up about 3:00. That's a guess, because I didn't want to know what time it was. It certainly felt too early to be waking up. So now I'm running on two hours of sleep for the day. This should be fun.
This is a reminder to myself, to do a load of laundry when I get home.
It wouldn't even have to be about anything relevant.
Nugget is scared of my new shoes.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
posted by dave at 1:30 PM in category ramblings

I wonder what I would write, if I were to write anything relevant.

I dunno.

First thing I'd need to do, before I let myself get anywhere near my computer, would be to figure out exactly why I was writing in the first place. I mean, would it be something that I needed to write, lest the pressure of not writing explode me. or would it just me something that I wanted to write, in which case who the fuck cares what I want?

I can resist the latter urge. I usually resist it, anyway. But I'm not so sure about the former stuff. I don't have much success with suppressing my needs, unless you count when I bury them in metaphors and such.

I'm bored right now, in case you didn't guess that already.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009
posted by dave at 7:56 PM in category ramblings

Okay, now I'm not only reposting entries from years ago, now I'm reposting an entry from fucking July. And it was a repost to begin with.

This is what's become of me.

Anyway, I like this entry, and the one contained therein. And I was thinking about this stuff tonight, so there.


It's just a brief downward flicker, most of the time. A few inches. But enough for me to notice, and enough for her to notice, should she happen to be looking. So far, I think I've caught it in time. Caught myself in time.

Eyes to lips. Just a few inches of smooth skin, down a cheek, along the ridge of a nose. Physically, that distance is very small, but emotionally, it's vast.

Eyes may welcome and engage, but lips, they beckon.


Speaking of lips, I like this old entry from 2007:

I'm not really sure which was the first. I've got it narrowed down to two girls, two occasions, but the passage of time has blurred my memory to the point where I can no longer be certain about the order of things. Like, I'm pretty sure that I kissed both those girls after that comet killed all the dinosaurs, but I wouldn't want to bet anything substantial on it.

So I don't remember which was my first real kiss. But I do remember them both. They were passionate, each of them. And full of promises that neither of us was ready to keep. There was none of this sweet and gentle and perfunctory crap that I've been so wont to do lately. To show that I'm a good guy, at least at first. Back then, a kiss was all you were going to get, so you damn sure needed to make the best of it.

I'm pretty sure that I could remember all of my first kisses. I don't mean that I could list them right now off the top of my head, but if I thought about it long enough, I probably could. And if I heard a name or saw a face or had something like that come along to help jog my memory, then I definitely could.

I was thinking tonight about a few of my first kisses. From the drunken and playful and inevitable kiss of that night last Winter, to that fascinated experimental kiss a couple of weeks ago, to that romantic kiss in Las Vegas in June, to that initially timid kiss that somehow lasted an entire weekend in late 2004, to that incredible indefinable kiss a few months earlier that still makes me weak in the knees when I think about it.

I don't know why I've never written about kissing before. About lips. I've written about hands, and I've written about eyes, but not lips. I don't know why. Maybe, maybe kissing just seems too personal, even for me to write about. Maybe hand-holding and eye-gazing are just fine, but kissing belongs in the same realm as sex, and I never write about sex. Nobody wants to read about that - they only want to have it. Maybe kisses are the same way.

Anyway, I like kissing. It's my favorite. I just thought I'd share that little tidbit. You know, just in case anyone wants to make out or something.

posted by dave at 10:22 AM in category travel

So this guy from work went to Las Vegas last week. I don't think he did it to piss me off, but I don't know him really well so maybe.

I haven't been to Las Vegas since my birthday weekend last February, and I was already getting antsy before my coworker went there. Now I'm at least double-antsy, or maybe even triple-antsy.

The next opportunity I'll have to take any long trip is after the first week of November. I'm seriously thinking about just going ahead and biting the bullet and buying airfare and reserving a room, probably at Luxor this time.

It might turn out to be a little irresponsible, but dammit I deserve a vacation after all this bullshit.

Monday, August 24, 2009
posted by dave at 11:49 AM in category daily

So I didn't go out of town over the weekend. Not unless you count my trips to Louisville on Friday and Saturday nights. And I don't count Louisville, just to be clear. Especially since I don't remember much about Friday night. I think there was Jager involved. Then last night I went to Jack's with OddlyFamiliarGirl, and Jack's definitely doesn't count.

I didn't go anywhere, but I managed to get myself a little refrigerator and some new shoes. So that was cool. Especially the fridge. Get it?

And now I'm faced with a decision. I spent eight months with basically no food in my house because I had no cold place in which to store it. Now I've got such a place, but there's very little room. After filling the thing with beer, there's enough room for maybe a couple of large pizzas, and that's it. The freezer part of the thing might hold a box of Hot Pockets, if I use a hammer.

Tonight I'm thinking that I'll go to the store and get some food. But I don't know what to get. Maybe some cheese.

I never said this would be interesting.

posted by dave at 8:59 AM in category ramblings

I'm constantly bombarding myself with a million questions, but there is one that hits the hardest.

What to believe?

Do I believe the words? Do I continue to try to be a friend, or at least act like one, when I'm not being met anywhere close to halfway? Words can be lies, you know. The craftiest of words can even fool the speaker. When that happens, the listener has no chance. It's either ignore the words, or be made a fool.

Perhaps, I tell myself, I should believe the actions. But that can be folly as well. Actions may speak louder than words, but they often speak gibberish, and they're so very subject to misinterpretation. They never say anything, they only imply. And I, being the way that I am, I almost always infer the worst. It's only been my mind's own sense of self-preservation that's kept me from doing so recently.

What am I supposed to believe when the words say one thing and the actions imply the opposite?

And the part that's really fucked up is that one day's truth can be the next day's lie. Minds can change, or be changed, and all I can do is try to keep up. Watch and listen, interpret what I can, and try to do what's right. I seem to be failing at that, but I really am in the dark here. I don't know the rules, and I don't even know the name of the game.

I don't like games.

I like honesty, even when it's brutal.

I'd rather be stabbed in the heart than shot in the back.

Sunday, August 23, 2009
posted by dave at 3:36 PM in category quickies
I bought new shoes, so everyone can get on with their lives now. I'm also getting the oil changed in my truck, so it's an extra special day.
The battery in my Intrepid is dead.
I really had a feeling about tonight. Damn.
Out of a frying pan and into a fire.
There's a stupid band that's going to play here tonight. I hope we leave before it gets LOUD.
So funny I forgot to laugh
Okay, this has been a good joke, but it's time to get serious for a while.
Welcome to 1876
I bought a refrigerator.
I have a strange obsession with vacuum cleaners. If I leave here without at least one, it will be amazing.
Pit stop
Now I'm at Rich O's. I still might go buy a fridge. Probably not.
In a burst of motivation, I just put my shoes on.
I'm too old for this stuff.
Arf! Arf! Arf!
I should go see WeirdGirl tonight. Somebody remind me why that's a bad idea.
I was a good boy, even though I had to yell at an old woman to do it.
Free beer is extra yummy.
At Rich O's again. I guess I have a couple of hours before I tuck my tail between my legs and run away. But that's just a guess. I hate this, by the way.
ttttttttttttiiiiiiiiiiiiiccccccccccccccckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk tttttttttttttoooooooooooocccccccccccckkkkkkkkkkkkk tttttttttttttttiiiiiiiiiiiiiiicccccccccccccckkkkkkkkkkkkkkk tttttttttttttttttttooooooooooooooccccccccccccccccckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk...
I think it's almost Skyline time.
I think the rule is that I can reply to a direct question, but that all other communication is taboo and will therefore be ignored.
If I had any, I'd go somewhere this weekend.
I've got two bottles with my name on them. I know, because I wrote on them myself, because I was feeling silly.
My house has suddenly become infested with tiny fruit flies.
I'm rarely allowed to be here at night anymore, so I'm leaving now.
Now I know why Brad and Jennifer didn't last. I still don't care, though.
Oh fucking boy
The Thursday weirdoes are here now.
Saturday, August 22, 2009
posted by dave at 10:20 AM in category ramblings

I found myself for a while, Thursday evening. I was hiding about an inch below the fading head of my second glass of Marzen. I should have stopped drinking right then, or at least slowed down. But I didn't. I went ahead and finished that glass at a normal speed, and by the time that beer was gone, so was I. Like I'd never been there at all.

I've been very elusive these last few months. Sometimes I've gone weeks at a time, searching in vain. I really shouldn't squander opportunities like I did Thursday evening. It might be a long time before I get another chance. Hell, it might not ever happen again. I am changing, after all. That part of me which was destroyed in the Spring, and which is slowly being rebuilt, will almost certainly not be as it once was.

I'm not sure that I've ever really described myself with any detail. What I've meant for the last six years when I've said that I was looking for myself, or what I've meant when I've said, on those rare occasions, that I'd managed to find myself. It may be beyond description. I just know me when I find me.

The real me is able to cope with this, basically. To sit and think and just deal with it. Without being overwhelmed into insanity, and without resorting to stupid distractions which mask the pain but do nothing to lessen it.

Because, let there be no doubt about it, this does hurt. A fucking lot. And I need to hurt, and I want to hurt. I've gone through so much for the right to hurt. I've given up so much, of my life and of myself, for the privilege of feeling this pain. I want to experience it, but I don't want it to control me.

And this morning, as I write this entry, it's trying to control me. I have to stop writing now.

Friday, August 21, 2009
posted by dave at 10:38 AM in category travel

I keep opening up a window to type something, then I close it. This, right now, is the farthest I've made it. Two - make that three - sentences. So yay for that, I guess.

I really want to get out of town this weekend. I haven't gone anywhere in like two months. I should just go, and then once I get there I can worry about what I might be missing back home. Drama and shit on at least two fronts.

And it's not like I'd be on Mars. If I go to Covington, or Noblesville, I'll only be a couple of hours away. And even if I go to St. Louis, that's only five hours.

I should just fucking go.

But I probably won't go anywhere. Just like I probably won't buy a fridge or new shoes. All of those things require motivation, and I'm using my entire supply of that just getting out of bed every morning.

Thursday, August 20, 2009
posted by dave at 9:48 PM in category ramblings

I want to get sad tonight. I want to sit in my garage and drink some Marzen and bring myself right up to the very edge of babbling and weeping insanity. But I don't think it's going to happen.

I think I'll just stay my regular kinda depressed self, but that true sadness will be beyond me tonight.

The guy treats her, from everything I've heard, like the princess that she is. Oh sure, I would have treated her the same way, and I did treat her the same way, but that brings me to my next point.

She's happy with him. And there's more to being happy than just being treated right. Whatever that something extra is, he has it, and I might not have it. Not for her, at least. Maybe.

It's very tough for me to admit - it's been six years after all - but I might not be able to make her happy. No matter how badly I would want it and no matter how hard I would fight for it, I might not be able to accomplish it. Intent and desire can only get you so far.

To try and to fail at that task would probably be more than I could bear.

Right now, she is happy. That's what's important. That's all that matters. My own happiness is less than trivial when compared to hers, and it always has been.

I wish them the best, I really do.

If she's happy, then she smiles. And when she smiles, then the world is a beautiful place. So what if that smile's not for me? And so what if I don't even get to see it? Beauty is beauty, beheld or not.

How can I really be sad in such a beautiful place?

posted by dave at 6:57 PM in category pictures, quickies
Me and NotHideousGirl
NotHideousGirl is here!
This dude who should know better just asked me if LaptopGirl was still dating HatGirl. They're straight, so the answer is no. That would be hot, though.
I'm tired of all these looks of pity. Celebrate with me that I'm still breathing, don't commiserate with me over the effort that breathing takes.
Traffic sucked in both directions today.
I finally remembered to pay my trash bill today. You know you care.
Okay, I'm not bored anymore. I found something that's broken!
I'm incredibly bored right now.
Every time I think I've figured out the rules, they change on me.
Stores should have a different line for lottery people. That way they'd get out of my way.
Dammit, I actually had stupid hope tonight. That was stupid of me.
There is most certainly a rule. It's implied by the explicit rule, but it's no less mandatory. So there.
Every day after work I have the same decision to make, and I always make the same one. I don't know why I persist in calling it a decision.
The reason I'm not bothered by this is that it's not being done to me, it's being done despite me. There's a huge difference.
The moral to this story is shut up.
There is a moral to this story somewhere. If I figure it out, I'll let you know.
Slept for 10 hours. I figure that was more productive than glaring at my phone for the same amount of time would have been.
It was nice, a million years ago. I'd never want to go back, though. Too many predators.
Word of the day
Well that was fun and educational. It was funducational, I suppose.
How one-sided do you need things to be?
I miss that kid. We were buddies.
Okay, what the fuck was that about?
I'm thinking that this camel's back might have finally broken.
They keep arriving earlier and earlier.
posted by dave at 1:45 PM in category ramblings

I'm experiencing a dangerous urge now, and so I figured that I'd better write something here, where it's fairly innocuous, than in an email, where it would most certainly not be.

Plus, I'm killing some time by writing this. And perhaps the urge to write that email will go away soon. Maybe writing this here will hasten its departure.

I want to call someone out on some bullshit. Partly to show that I know about the bullshit, as I think my knowledge is a secret so far, but mostly to see what the reason might be. I really can't see any reasonable explanation for this particular bullshit, but that doesn't mean that such a reason doesn't exist. I'm curious, I guess.

I'd also really like to see this person's reaction to getting caught. That show would probably be worth any possible price of admission, unless spontaneous human combustion was involved. I certainly don't want to cause that much of a reaction.

I need to think about this some more.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009
posted by dave at 8:24 PM in category ramblings

I wonder, how am I supposed to be feeling tonight? This week? This month?

Since it happened?

Not that I'm planning to tweak my feelings to match anyone's expectations, or that I'm going to pretend to be something that I'm not, but I do wonder - maybe I'm normal now.

Under the circumstances, I mean.

That would really be something, to be normal. Even if it was only for a while.

I need to go out to my garage, have a couple bottles of Domaine DuPage, and contemplate this some more.

If I'm normal, then - by definition - there's nothing special about me at all.

I don't think I like the sound of that.

posted by dave at 12:55 PM in category comics

I like puns

Tuesday, August 18, 2009
posted by dave at 7:49 PM in category comics

the late 1960s, I think

posted by dave at 7:42 PM in category comics


Monday, August 17, 2009
posted by dave at 11:00 PM in category quickies
Out of nowhere
I remember having to go to work, that morning, when I wanted nothing more than to just get back into bed. I should have called in sick. I should have gotten back into bed. I will regret going to work that morning for as long as I live.
It's not like that. I'm not like that.
Never mind.
Stay tuned
I thought of something to write about, when I get home.
Getting antsy
Fearing the flake.
I wonder if I'm supposed to be curious. Well, I am, but I'm not going to ask.
I'm losing my damn resolve again.
Work is fun sometimes!
Deafening silence, blinding darkness...
It's her boyfriend's t-shirt.
Some girl I never saw before in my life is wearing a DaveFest shirt. That's pretty cool.
No matter how many times I try to tell myself that it's degraded into just being about sex, I'm never fooled for very long at all. I think 10 seconds is my record so far.
This is to remind myself to do a load of laundry when I get home.
Worth a try, I suppose. I don't think I've attempted that particular incantation before.
I've had a pretty good day, considering. It could still get better, but I'm not counting on that.
Any old port
Hungry or not, Red Lobster is always yummy.
I should be hungry by now, but I'm not. Weird.
Let there be no doubt. She was and is my first choice for this. So there.
Great minds think alike, it seems.
But I might drop all other plans and go see The Time Traveler's Wife instead. That's one of my all-time favorite books.
This morning I'm refreshed, but a little sore.
This movie is pissing me off!
Now I'm giving my phone the finger.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
posted by dave at 11:46 PM in category ramblings

Yet another repost. This usually means that I'm feeling lazy, but this time it just means that I've already said it all before. And hey, building an entry about memories from an old entry seems quite fitting:

For a while, after she got her hair cut, her hand would still move to her shoulder, and her fingers would twirl hair that wasn't there anymore. She did it all the time, and then she'd laugh at herself because she forgot.

I remember how she looked in my bathrobe. How it would never stay closed. I remember hiding the belt so it would never close again, and how she laughed when I told her what I'd done.

She'd take her finger and trace soft circles on my arm, or on my hand, or on my chest. It wasn't enough for her to touch me - she always had to give it that little bit extra.

In my peripheral vision, I'd see her looking at me, and when I'd turn my head and catch her doing it, she'd always blush.

I remember how she'd fall asleep in the car, no matter how short the drive was.

She would grab my hand, and hold it tightly when we had to walk by strangers on the way back to our cars.

I remember the little dance she did once when a song she liked came on the radio.

One morning I woke up to her whispering my name. My cat had finally allowed her to pick him up, and she was standing by the bed holding him. She was so excited.

When she was struggling, trying to think of the perfect words to say, her face would get all contorted, and I'd mimic her expression until she caught me.

She was so very nervous, that first time, and when we were done the sweat glistened on her skin like a million tiny stars.

I remember all of these little things, and so many more. I think that I will remember them forever.

It's such a cruel world that let's me love every single thing about a person, but that won't let my heart take that extra step.

Such a cruel fucking world.

I remember times after I wrote that entry.

I remember trying so hard to look at her and see only her, but always always always fucking always looking beyond her, over her shoulder. Looking for someone who wasn't there.

I remember coming home that one night, and finding her sitting on my couch, with my cat Nugget in her lap. She'd had a bad day, and she'd known that I'd welcome her no matter what. I owed her that much, after all.

I remember welcoming her.

I remember how hard we tried to make it last, but how it always felt like we were just treading water. Staying alive, but not really living.

I remember that night last Summer. The last time I saw her, when everything was almost exactly as it had been before. Only the new ring on her finger whispered the truth.

I remember everything. This is my gift, and my curse.

I talked to her tonight, for a while. I wish I could say that it was just like old times, but it wasn't. Those old times are gone forever, and we both know it. We just like to relive those times, every now and then. It's nice, in a poignant way. It reminds us that there was once something that was important. And that, no matter how tough things get for the two of us as we struggle to live our separate lives, there is still something that's important.

I walked away from her, years ago. I know why I did it and, by now, so does she. I know it, but I still can't really believe that I did it. She knows it, but she still can't really accept that I did it on my own. That it wasn't her fault. That she didn't push me away.

There are so many things I wish I could forget, so many memories I wish I could erase from my mind. But, among those memories, there's not a single second that I spent with her.

posted by dave at 6:20 PM in category general

There's this chick who makes a living from her blog. If my understanding is correct, she supports a family of four with her blog. And one of those four is a baby, which of course costs about eleven million times more than a regular person.

That would be pretty cool, I think, if I could somehow make a living from blogging. I'd have to break my own rule about advertising, but the ads on her site are pretty unobtrusive. I think I could live with something like that.

Of course, Heather is a much better writer than I am, but maybe I could get better with practice. And I'd have to get over this whole self-censorship nonsense that I keep running up against, but it's not like I've been perfect in that regard anyway.

It's giving me something to think about, that's for sure. Something else, that is.

posted by dave at 5:24 PM in category ramblings

I'm always looking for words, it seems. Magic words.

Mostly I've been looking for words to fix us, to undo some of the damage that's been done to us, or by us. Some turn-of-phrase that will somehow make everything okay. Or better than okay, when I'm feeling really ambitious, which isn't too often lately.

Speaking of lately, something's changing.

I'm still looking for magic words. I know they're in there somewhere, sneaking around in the dark, but quite often lately I've been looking for a different set of words. Lately, I haven't been looking for words to fix us, I've been looking for words to fix me.

These words may prove to be just as elusive as the old words have been. But I need to at least look. I need to dig around inside my head and, if that doesn't work, then dynamite may be necessary. I need these words.

I worry about myself sometimes. I see myself on my death-bed in forty years or so, and I see myself still glaring at my phone. I see myself wondering if she'll visit my bedside. I see myself wondering if she'll come to my funeral.

Sure, it's kind of nice to have all that to look forward to, and to believe that I'll never really go back to the emotionless robot that I used to be, a little more than six years ago. But I also realize that it's pretty pathetic. And I don't want my life to be pathetic, not any more than it's already been.

The words may not exist. Maybe it's time that I really need. That's what a lot of people have been telling me. Or perhaps I need a distraction that eventually becomes something more than a distraction.

Well, time has never done me any good before, and distractions, despite my best efforts, continue to be fleeting. So I'll put my faith in magic, because magic is real. That was proved to me, a little more than six years ago. Maybe, when time and distractions fail, maybe magic will succeed.

posted by dave at 10:38 AM in category daily

Today, I've got stuff I'm supposed to do. I keep putting it off and I don't want to do it any more.

I need to buy a damn refrigerator. I need to buy shoes - some for work and some for walking.

And, since I'll have a refrigerator, I need to go to the grocery store.

I never said this would be an exciting entry.

Saturday, August 15, 2009
posted by dave at 11:48 PM in category ramblings

I wonder, these entries, are they my memoirs? Is this blog going to end up being the means by which people finally get to know me and understand me? Will Neisha burn it all to DVD and hand out copies at my funeral? With Dina make a scrapbook? Will Teri overcome her loathing for funerals and show up at the thing? Will anyone else care at all? Will anyone else notice at all?

Will Rich O's stay in business without my constant support?

I could get hit by a bus tomorrow. Hell, I could die of old age tomorrow and it wouldn't surprise me at all.

Is this going to be my legacy?

It'll be a pretty fucked up legacy, if that's what it ends up being.

Way more questions than answers. Lots more crypticism than clarity. And a fuck of a lot more silence than anything else.


"I had a fantastic year."

That's what I said. And I really did italicize the word fantastic because anything less would have fallen short. Anything less would have been a lie.

I had us stand up, and then I said those words, and then I kissed her. This was no surprise at all. I'd been giving fair warning for weeks. There was plenty of time for her to "get sick" or to "have other plans" or to "just not feel like it."

But there were no last-minute excuses. There was only that time, and that place, and two of us all alone in that crowded room.

People tell me all the time that it's all in my head.

Fuck people. I was there.

That was supposed to be it, see. I had no plans or intentions beyond the end of that kiss. I would have gladly died at the end of that kiss.

But that wasn't the end of it. There were another couple of minutes, the first two minutes of the new year.

When I was about 19, I was swimming at the pool at Scott AFB. There was a kid, maybe 7 or 8 years old, and he got himself into trouble in the deep end. I just happened to be there. It's not like I jumped in to save him or anything, though I like to think that I would have done exactly that. But, in this case, I just happened to be there and I just happened to be the closest person to that kid.

He grabbed onto me, and he clung to me. He clung to me for dear life, for salvation. Every instinct he had focused onto that simple action of clinging to me. Waiting for me to save him, putting his life into my hands and trusting that I'd do the right thing.

The next time that anyone clung to me so fiercely was years and years later, after I said those words to her, and after I had kissed her ever so gently. I was not expecting it. Like I said, I'd had no plans beyond the kiss. But then, suddenly and brutally, I found another person's life in my hands. And I found trust in the weight of a beautiful head against my shoulder. And I found that there's no limit to love, because just when you think you've reached such a limit, it explodes.

People tell me all the time that I'm exaggerating.

Fuck people. I was there.

People are wrong.



Now that's worthy of being a fucking memoir.

posted by dave at 6:46 AM in category pictures, quickies
It's funny that I'm sitting in my garage at this early hour but I'm glaring at my phone anyway.
I slept away my entire Friday night. Better than sitting around feeling sorry for myself, but not by much. So now I'm going to go outside and have a couple Marzens and watch the Sun come up.
I was right. One fucking month as of today.
Breathe, then swallow. Don't try to save time by doing both at once.
One month today, I think. This is such bullshit.
I have nothing new to say. So there.
What's so damn fascinating?
O O O O'Charley's!
Why did they have to put mornings so early in the day?
Sometimes I think that maybe he had the right idea. I don't think that very often, but every now and then. It scares me a little.
I really think that girl is cute.
Sitting in my garage, drinking a beer, glaring at my phone. So much like old times...
It's not the cake that some people think it is. It's only the icing. The yummy yummy icing.
Uh oh
I'm feeling stuff about things, and thinking things about stuff.
Southern Tier Heavy Weizen
Slightly hazy gold. Smallish head that seems to last. Aroma of wheat and bananas and maybe a little alcohol. Flavor surprisingly complex and good. A slight alcohol burn at the finish. I like it.
I could have taken skydiving lessons, performed a couple of tandem jumps with an instructor, then for my first solo jump I could have used the third floor of this building as my landing site, and I could have done all of this in less time than I just spent waiting for the stupid elevator.
There's a Skyline about a mile away from where I work. It was yummy.
I think that the best thing for me to do is to stick my head in the sand for a while.
I had a very nice Wednesday. I'm going to try to go to sleep now before it gets ruined by some bullshit.
HatGirl is here! Yay!
I'm in a writey mood. Tonight I should write something. Somebody please remind me.
I don't know why.
This just in...
I don't like dorks. Even though I'm a dork myself.
They have been, and continue to be, the bane of my existence.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
posted by dave at 8:33 PM in category comics

just like I've been saying all along

posted by dave at 12:34 PM in category ramblings

Trying to figure out what I should write, if anything. I get so sick and tired of my mood flapping back and forth. I don't want to write anything and then have it turn out to be false by this time tomorrow. I hate it when that happens. It makes me feel like I should put a disclaimer at the beginning of every entry.

This entry, and the feelings and/or hopes and/or circumstances described herein, while accurate at the time of posting, may no longer reflect reality at the time of reading. For this reason, speculating or wagering as to my current state of mind, based on the information gleaned from this entry, is not recommended.
Or maybe that's just common sense.

Today, I am struggling with the same old stuff. It just keeps getting worse and worse, and I'm having a really tough time maintaining anything even remotely resembling hope. But I keep trying, because I need to have hope in my life, at least for now. I don't want to go back to the way I was, but it's a very real possibility these days. Except that this time it will be worse, because I'll know what's missing. Back then, I didn't even know that anything was missing, let alone what that thing might be.

I had a nice conversation with MixedSignalGirl the other night. She had some opinions and theories that I hadn't thought of. Opinions and theories that might help me to get through all this, if I can cling to them fiercely enough. And if I can convince myself that they're not just another set of lies that I tell myself in a futile attempt to rush through this healing process.

I need to write more about this. Maybe later.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009
posted by dave at 11:35 AM in category daily

LaptopGirl pointed out that today is the first anniversary of the day that my friend WomanRepellant died. I don't feel like writing anything new about that, so I'll just post links to the entries I wrote a year ago.

This first one, I wrote the day before he died, and this one, I wrote immediately afterwards.

posted by dave at 7:11 AM in category quickies
Oh well
I'd been planning to get up and watch the meteors, but that didn't happen.
I am not supposed to be awake right now. This is incredibly fucked up. Meanwhile, there's thunder. A false alarm, I bet.
Okay, fine. One more Weihenstephaner. It's not like I was going to sleep or anything like that.
Texts are supposedly working now. AT&T's excuse was that they suck.
We both seem to want the same thing, we're just coming at it from opposite directions. You'd think we could just meet in the middle. But nooooooo!
Sitting in my garage, trying to weigh actions against words.
Can't sleep. Need to sleep, but can't. This sucks.
AT&T doesn't know what's going on with my texts. Sometimes they work, but usually they don't. It'll be fixed when it's fixed.
I hate it when people meddle. I wish people would mind their own fucking business.
I had RockGirl send me a text and it worked. So I guess LaptopGirl and HatGirl are just being mean. Good thing they're pretty.
o noes!
Texts aren't working on my phone.
Looking for words right now. There are none, but it's kinda fun to look.
I knew this would happen. I thought for a while that it wouldn't, but as it turned out I was only a few months off.
Mad Bitch!
I forgot my umbrella again today.
What, exactly, am I supposed to be writing?
I'm trying to shift gears, just for today, but it's not working.
Deja vu
Flooding and mayhem and death and destruction.
This is, quite literally, the least I can do. I hate it, though.
Weather report
...the old man is snoring.
ExBartender is here. He is drunk. And DeadLady is here. She seems sober.
I'm not going to say it. I've said it too many times already.
Today it wasn't too bad at all. I could deal with it being like this every day.
Pizza night
I think I'll reinstate that tradition.
I'm in a conference call and only one other person showed up. We're waiting for four more people. Exciting stuff.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
posted by dave at 11:44 PM in category ramblings

Okay, here's the deal.

My text messages weren't working tonight. So, while I got some, I don't know if they were from tonight or if they were from months ago, as they claimed.

In either case, my response remains the same.

This was not my goddamn choice, the way things have been lately. This was, in fact, the last thing I ever wanted.

I am not the bad guy here.

Reasons are reasons and excuses are excuses, but which is which?

This is not my call. It's out of my hands.

Monday, August 10, 2009
posted by dave at 8:18 PM in category daily, weather

So there is flooding, but that doesn't affect my house, because I live atop Mt. Dave.

But something happened. A strong rumble of thunder or something, because the large framed picture that I keep above my fireplace is lying on the floor.

And that's not all. I really wish that was all, but it's not.

Also - and it's going to be hard to write this - also one of my Marzen glasses is broken. It shattered into a couple-dozen pieces.

That glass was given to me by LaptopGirl last Christmas.

So it's priceless and irreplaceable.

Just like she is.

posted by dave at 12:04 PM in category pictures, quickies
One bad thing about working here on the dark side of the moon is that I'll have to wait until Saturday to get a haircut. I look like a hippie already - by Saturday I'll probably look like an asylum escapee.
Since I seem to be the only one who cares about what's happened to us, I wonder why I'm even bothering.
After three months, I'm reminded of why Monday mornings suck.
I'm back home now. I don't know why.
I've been talking to MixedSignalGirl. It was informative. I need to write a blog entry.
Now I'm at Jack's for some reason. I'm very afraid that this one drunk fucker is going to try to talk to me.
This could be huge, if it lasts.
Dinner at Sam's
No cheap sunglasses, though
There's a dude here rocking a very stylish ZZ Top beard.
Some days it seems like every place in New Albany is haunted.
I'm having a hard time getting motivated to go eat. I hope that I manage to motivate myself before I starve to death.
I need to go get something to eat. I have no idea what I want, though.
Funny... matter how many times I count, I keep coming up with one.
I've been doing boring stuff all day.
I'm having actual fun. Me, of all people. But I'm sure that reality will creep back into my life before too long. Probably when I next try to sleep. Fucking reality, I hate it.
Now I guess we're going to Rich O's. Cue the ominous music.
Fortune cookies
Mine says, "Get your mind set... Confidence will lead you on." HatGirl's says, "A handful of patience is worth more than a bushel of brains." Crap platitudes, both of them.
I am so close to something right now. I never thought I'd be this close. Not in a million years. Not ever.
Tomorrow I get to hang out with HatGirl! I'm so excited!
This place sucks. Everybody keeps pressuring me to take risks that aren't worth taking.
They told me Dragon's Milk was on tap. I got excited to tell HatGirl, then they said it was in bottles only. That was mean of them.
What a glorious day it is, and it's made even better because it's Friday. So there.
It's so peaceful out here at this hour. I really should flip my sleep schedule on purpose, so I can enjoy these warm peaceful nights while they last.
I'm in a writey mood tonight. But first, I'm in a sit-in-my-garage mood.
Sunday, August 9, 2009
posted by dave at 1:59 AM in category ramblings

Weird annoying. I'm finding myself at a total loss for words. I mean, I know exactly what I want to say, as long as I don't have to actually say anything.

It's just so damn clear to me, but the words either don't exist or they're really fucking good at hiding in my head. I can think them and I can feel them, but I can't articulate them.

I need to say something, but I find myself unable to say anything at all.

And dammit, this is important. Way more important than anything I've written in a long time. Maybe ever.

"How can I give this up?" I want to write.

"I can't give it up, it's everything to me," I want to continue.

Those words are nothing nothing nothing. The tip of the iceberg. A hint of an inkling of a notion of the truth.

Infinite is only a small portion of the whole. Forever is just the beginning. Unconditional is much too restrictive.

The words that I've said, the things that I've done, the feelings that I've felt - they're all just symptoms of a much larger truth.

Maybe the words really don't exist, to describe this. Maybe you need to look into my eyes, read my mind, feel my soul.

Or, maybe I'm drunk.

Go ahead and think that's all it is. It's easier.

Saturday, August 8, 2009
posted by dave at 12:21 AM in category quiz

I got a whopping hour and a half of sleep tonight, so I was all energized and shit. Now I'm bored and I took a quiz thingy.

tell me something I don't know

Friday, August 7, 2009
posted by dave at 3:18 AM in category ramblings

I like that word. It fits so well with so many things in my life. I should probably change my middle name to Inordinate. I never liked Shane that much anyway. Plus, then my initials would be DIS and so maybe I'd be all hip and shit. Or is that DISS?

I think I want someone to tell me that it's okay to be pissed about the way I'm being treated. I fall so easily into anger over it, but then I always feel guilty. I spend an inordinate amount of time feeling guilty.

Tomorrow another weekend begins. I remember when weekends meant going to Rich O's and spending an inordinate amount of energy watching the door. Those were such different times back then. Hope ruled my entire life. But this weekend I probably won't go there at all. It's no longer a good idea for me to go there at night, for lots of reasons. People think there's only one reason, but people are wrong. It's not only because I'm being a baby. That's not even the main reason. Maybe I'll write an entry about this stuff, some day.

And I heard from TremensGirl that MusicalYuppieDude is having a party this weekend. I can't go to that either, even if he does get around to inviting me.

Saturday I might get to see HatGirl, if she doesn't flake on me. She's so busy all the time, I'm incredibly flattered that she thinks enough of me to pencil me in. She's one of the world's best people, and I spend an inordinate amount of time wishing that I was a better person, so that our friendship might be better justified.

In fact, she should be the one I'm in love with. That would make sense to everyone.

I don't write about work in this journal. I think that most people know that. I don't want to get dooced, after all. But I started a new job this week, and maybe that deserves mention.

There, I mentioned it.

It's after 3:00 in the morning, and I'm not really sure why I'm still awake. I spend an inordinate amount of time being awake.

I should try to go to sleep now.

Thursday, August 6, 2009
posted by dave at 8:21 PM in category pictures, quickies
Today, on the way home, I saw an old woman trying to push a car on the shoulder of the highway. That was odd, but what made it even more odd was that there was what appeared to be a teenaged boy in the driver's seat. I stopped, but the old woman said that she'd called her son and he was on his way. The kid (her grandson?) didn't say anything.
She is here. I haven't seen her since I carried her down LaptopGirl's stairs, a million years ago.
It's too early for these people to be this damn LOUD. They're not pacing themselves at all.
Today I'm craving a Hawaiian pizza from Pizza Hut. It's been a long time since I've had one of those.
My shoe is deafening today.
I slept for 10 hours. So I guess I'm caught up for now. It's about damn time.
Suddenly, there are not enough hours in the day.
Yesterday's commutes weren't too bad, but today's sucked.
My shoe is making a horrible racket today. It's making me self-conscious.
I wish I had my swing. I can't believe I haven't fixed it yet. Oh, wait, I can totally believe it.
Okay, I'm done. Too much cruelty.
So very...
Wondering how long of a commute this is going to be. Less than an hour, I hope.
This silence, it screams at me.
A thousand times a day, I resist, and I stay silent. It's only for those rare times when I must speak that I get shit.
Decision time
Trying to decide if it's a good idea to start a new job with a hangover. Probably not.
Something I made up in a dream today
Into the abyss of the unknown I tumble, flailing and flapping for added style. I will find the bottom, or it, me. Only then might I be able to stand once again.
Going to Rich O's tonight for a celebratory beer, and hoping I don't have any bullshit surprises.
It's over
My Summer vacation is over. I start a new job tomorrow.
eight hundred and sixty-four
That's my estimate of how many loads of laundry I need to do.
I want to wake up. I want this nightmare to be over.
These feelings aren't hurting anyone but me, and I wish people would stop trying to talk me out of them.
There are lots of LOUD people here. I hope they leave soon so I don't have to murder them.
Just hoping for what's best, though I'm not sure what that might me.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
posted by dave at 2:53 AM in category daily, weather

When I was driving to work(!) this morning, there was a storm. It's been all over the news, even the national news. Louisville even made the front page of

It rained. A lot. Like six inches in an hour, I think I heard. There was a lot of flooding.

But not in my basement.

So that's cool.

posted by dave at 2:13 AM in category ramblings

Tonight I don't know what it was that woke me up. Another damn dream, I imagine, but I don't know for sure. Maybe a mouse farted - sometimes that's all it takes. And, once I wake up, that's it. A thought or a series of thoughts gets into my head, and it gets into my soul, and it grabs and it twists.

As I once wrote:

Today, it's neither the pain of the past nor the agony of the present hammering away at my mood. Nope, today it's the future, of all things, that torments my thoughts.

The thing about the future is that I'm not really sure there's going to be one.

I seem to be spending a lot of time looking at old entries tonight. I do this because (a) I know that there are things that I want to say that I've already said, and (b) I'm lazy. This is from the same entry, written almost a year ago:
I don't think it would come as a surprise to anyone who knows me. I'm in a fucked-up situation these days.

I spend an inordinate amount of my time looking for, I dunno, something.

For what exactly, I can't say, because I don't know what it is. I think that I might be looking for what's left. Something that survived that terrible flood. A recognizable chuck of debris on the bank, perhaps. Just something to remind me, though I could never forget.

The rest of the time, I wait.

For what? Again, I don't know. I don't know what it is, but I'm waiting for it right now.

That was last September, and it almost seems fresh tonight. It almost seems true tonight.

Back then, I survived that flood, and I found what I was looking for. I found much much more than I thought I'd find, and I was actually happy, for a long time. Me, of all people.

But then a new flood came. A more terrible flood. And this one is still flowing, rushing, ripping.

Last year, I was knocked to my feet, and I stood up, and I was knocked down again. And again. And again.

This time, there's no sense in trying to stand. There is no ground anywhere beneath my feet.

This time I'm trying to stay afloat.

posted by dave at 1:37 AM in category ramblings

I'm looking at these lines from a post I did a couple of months ago.

I lived in a place of hope, and dreams, and love. But it was all a lie.

I worry about the things I'll write when I feel like I have nothing left to lose. I wonder why I don't feel that way already. Perhaps there are still lies waiting to crumble.

Perhaps I'm just being incredibly stubborn and afraid.

I fear the vacuum, I really do. It was never there before. There was always something before, whether it was false or not, it was something.

Now, not so much.

First, the walls crumbled. That was bad enough. But now all of the air is being sucked away.

Isn't the point of living about having something you care about, that is important to you? Isn't it about having something left to lose?

If there is truly nothing left to lose, then what's the fucking point of living at all?

The other night I was thinking about fate. I've written before that I don't believe in fate, but then I also wrote this:

This series of events and emotions that was set into motion all those years ago, there is a reason. I just don't know what that reason is. Perhaps its purpose is to destroy me.

So far, so good.

I guess I was probably about 12 years old when I started noticing that girls were more than cootie-factories. That's maybe 12,000 days ago.

I'd also guess that, on each one of those 12,000 days, I probably saw a pretty girl, or two, or three. On some days I saw the same girl(s) I'd already seen, and on some days I saw someone new.

So, maybe 12,000 different pretty girls that I've seen in my live.

And out of all those times, this happened once? When I saw her?

What the fuck?

Approximately 2,146 days ago, 2,146 girls ago, in the span of about two seconds, my entire life changed. It has never been the same since, and it will never be the same again. No matter what else happens, I will never be the same again.

I don't believe in fate. I think that fate is a silly concept, and that it implies things that I find unacceptable about the uselessness of life. I think that people use the concept of fate as a crutch, as an excuse for not having things turn out the way that they wanted, or as feeble justification for doing things that would otherwise have no justification at all except for stupidity.

I don't believe in fate, but I really want to know why that happened, approximately 2,146 days ago.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009
posted by dave at 3:35 AM in category ramblings

I'm trying to keep from knowing the time. So I don't know how late it is, or how early it is. I don't know if I'll sleep again tonight. I doubt that I will.

I did sleep, for some undetermined amount of time. I slept, and I had a dream, and I woke up.

That damn dream.

So I'm not looking at the time. I know it's there, down in the bottom right corner of my screen. I'm refusing to look. I don't want to know. Fuck, I start a new job sometime in the next undetermined number of hours and, instead of sleeping, I've spent two beers worth of time out on my deck with listening to the crickets and the owls and the stobors. I've spent the last two beers worth of time trying to forget the dream.

But it's a futile effort. It always is. I remember every word she said, in the dream. I remember every word I said, in the dream. I remember what happened next, in the dream.

That damn dream.

I mean, what if I look at the time and it's only 1:00 or some bullshit like that? Then I'll be so fucked. No way will I be able to function all day tomorrow until quitting time. Oh sure, maybe I could look and it's 6:00, and maybe my alarm is about to go off anyway. Then I'd know that I could survive. I've survived worse, after all.

The truth is probably somewhere in the middle. The truth always seems to be somewhere in the middle.

That damn truth.

Monday, August 3, 2009
posted by dave at 3:33 AM in category travel

This is probably a bad idea. I shouldn't be writing now, because I'm pissed. We'll see if I can hold myself in check and stick to the subject at-hand.

That first weekend, I was really itching to do some sightseeing. I hadn't gotten bored with the snow-covered Chugach mountains ringing the edge of Anchorage, but I definitely wanted to see something more. Something else. Something new.

Well, I'd seen mountains, and I'd seen snow, and I'd seen frozen smog, and I'd even seen frozen seawater by that point, but one thing I hadn't seen was a glacier. Kind of hard to believe that, given all of the natural wintry beauty around me. When I'd first arrived, I'd thought that I wouldn't be able to take a piss without hitting glacial ice, but I was wrong.

Alaska's number one visitor attraction is the Portage Glacier, about an hour South of Anchorage. Given the fact that I only had about five hours of daylight within which to play, I left the apartment early on a Saturday morning, just before the Sun came up.

You know how people, usually when they're stoned, are always saying stuff like, "It's not the destination, it's the journey that's important?"

Well, maybe those stoners have made the same trip I made that day. Every 10 feet, I wanted to stop my car, get out, and try to take it all in. Mountains, frozen beaches. Icebergs the size of houses, eagles and seagulls. Everything was new to me, and everything was just amazing to me.

Like, there was one stretch of road. I came over a small hill, and saw an icy beach to my right, and mountains to my left. At the side of the road was a yellow sign:

Avalanche Area!

No Stopping!

Or something along those lines.

And, sure enough, there seemed to have been a recent avalanche. On both the left and right sides of the road, there was a wall of snow and ice about 20 feet high. It had been neatly cut to allow for the road. Very damn cool.

And every mile or so there'd be a damn moose standing at the side of the road. Surreal. The whole trip was surreal. The whole place was surreal. Me being in fucking Alaska was surreal.

Instead of taking an hour to get to the glacier, it took almost three hours. I kept stopping and getting out of my car, feeling that if I was outside then the experience would be that much more real to me. And cold. Mustn't forget about the cold.

There was an actual visitor's center there. For some reason I hadn't been expecting that. That stupid building contrasted starkly with the natural beauty all around it. So I only spend about a minute inside. Just long enough to pee. Then I went back out into the cold and along this trail next what I suppose was the Portage River.

That was kinda funny - you couldn't even see the glacier from the visitor's center. All that was in there was maps and dioramas and shit like that. To get to the actual glacier you were supposed to get back in your car and drive for a while longer.

Fuck that. I walked it. I walked along the shore of the lake for what seemed like forever, but there were gobs of icebergs keeping me company. I also met a few people coming the other way, and they all assured me that (a) the actual glacier was up ahead of me, and (b) they hadn't seen any bears.

So I walked and I walked and I walked. The trail switched from a sidewalk to a dirt path to a dirty swath of packed snow. It was a long and cold walk.

But it was worth it.

Now, there have been several times in my life when I really wished that I had a camera with me. When I finally came around that last bend in the trail, and found myself staring at the glacier, that was definitely one of those times. But alas, I didn't have a camera. Oh well. I figured I could just buy a postcard at the visitor's center. Plus, if you've seen one glacier you've probably seen them all.

And I'd finally managed to see one.


I might have been able to climb up on the thing. There were chunks of ice ranging from the size of toasters to condominiums, but by then it was getting close to dark, so I walked back a short distance to this boat ramp place and talked one of the tourists there into giving me a ride back to my car.

It was a fun day.

I forgot to buy a postcard.

Sunday, August 2, 2009
posted by dave at 4:20 PM in category pictures, quickies
I finally was able to sleep, then I slept the whole damn day away.
Very very tired
Can't sleep. Again.
Apathy achieved.
I'm feeling really powerless tonight. I did offer to help, but I don't know what I could have done. I mean, I can't even help myself, how could I expect to help a friend in need?
I was really wanting some Barfly tonight, but it was sold-out.
Had the most transparently metaphorical dream of my life just now. As obvious as a kick to the groin.
It's actually a nice day today. I should go somewhere.
There went what was left of any semblance of a good mood I might have had.
Okay, I finally managed to do my good deed for the day. Take that, karma!
Schlafly Quadrupel Ale
Cloudy brown. No appreciable head. Intruiging aroma of dark fruits and apple peels. Surprisingly pungent flavor, a little sour, but really good.
I keep trying to see things in the proper perspective, but there's really no safe place for me to stand.
A permanent position in Las Vegas. So damn tempting...
A nice pour
Damn, the proper response to P should have been d. How could I have been so stupid?
Still Friday
Done eating, back to glaring. May not have time to get my hairs cut, what with all the glaring I need to do.
My to-do list today consists of getting my hairs cut. And glaring at my phone, of course. And maybe having lunch with HatGirl.
I wish it would either storm or stop raining. If the former, I could drink a beer and enjoy the show. If the latter, I could take a long walk.
Went from sad, shot right through apathetic, and landed squarely in pissed.
It's a madhouse, I tell you!
Paranoia level about 7.4, but I'm fucking going anyway. Maybe I'll get to cause a scene. That might be fun.
I can usually just tolerate Bearno's pizza, but today's was absolutely yummy. I don't know why.
Time's a wastin'
Tick tock tick tock tick tock tick tock...
Emotions are not physical objects, but they still have inertia. That fact sucks.
My mood is shot all to hell. I'm going to Bearno's now to drink a birthday toast. Happy birthday, NotHideousGirl!
posted by dave at 2:51 AM in category quiz

A few days ago someone - MisunderstoodGirl, I think - posted this to facebook. I was thinking that I'd do a vlog about it, but I don't feel like putting clothes on right now, so I'll just type my answers. How quaint.

If you could, at this very moment, take a ride on anything in the world, what would you most want to ride?
A dragon. Also, I'd like dragons to exist.

If you could get one thing back that was either lost or destroyed, what would it be?
The second car I ever owned, a 1979 firebird. It wasn't that great of a car, but I liked it, and I went through a lot in it. Whenever I dream about any of my old cars, it's always that one.

What is one item you own that has virtually no monetary value but has such sentimental value that you would not sell it for $1,000?
My rock, of course. Duh.

If you could know without a shadow of a doubt the answer to one question that has always troubled you, what question would you want to have answered?
Is there any point to any of this?

If you could bring back any tradition that seems to have faded into the past, what tradition would you bring back?
Knocking cute girls on the head and dragging them back to the cave. It just seems like our current way is a lot harder.

If you could open your own retail store, what type of merchandise would you sell?
Probably pool & billiards supplies. Or maybe books. I dunno, I can't really see myself running a retail store of any kind. That would be boring to me. Wait, do bars count?

If you could have any book instantly memorized from cover to cover, which book would you choose?
I think a World Almanac or something like that, with lots of facts.

If, with your safety guaranteed, you could experience something very dangerous, what would you want to experience most of all?
If my safety was guaranteed, then it wouldn't be very dangerous, would it? Anyway, I think climbing Mt. Everest would be cool.

What is one field or profession that you never persued, but that you think you probobly would have been quite good at?
Anything scientific. Astronomy, perhaps.

If you could invent a pair of glasses that would allow you to see abstract things, what would you want to be able to see most of all?
A person's aura. Kinda like in that movie Shallow Hal.

posted by dave at 1:01 AM in category ramblings

Every single time, it happens. Every single fucking time. I see, and it happens. I hear, and it happens, I smell or I touch, and it happens.

And I can't describe it with any clarity, and I can't endorse it with any understanding, and I can't espouse it with any eloquence, and I can't dismiss it with any abruptness. I can't I can't I can't I just fucking can't.

It's just fucking there. It just fucking happens. It just fucking is.


That's the question that I ask myself every 10 seconds. That's the question that everyone on Earth asks me every chance they get.

"Why?" they ask.

"Fucking just because," I reply.

Eyes meet, and circuits close. Words are exchanged, and energy flows. Auras merge, and affection glows.

And, every now and then...

Hands touch, and desire grows. Skin slides, and lust shows. Lips meet, and love overflows.


Sometimes I wish we would just talk about all this. Not discuss and not debate and certainly not argue. Not lie and not predict and not dismiss and not make excuse after fucking excuse. Just talk.

I guess it's because I'm a man. I always think that things can be fixed. Even when they're not really broken. I constantly look for the words to make everything okay, and I constantly ignore the fact that okay may be too lofty a goal.

Lately though, more and more often, I've thought about eschewing words, and letting actions speak my volumes for me. For us. Words, after all, have done zero good.

Perhaps it's time for action. Perhaps it's too late for action. Fuck, perhaps it's too late for anything.

Saturday, August 1, 2009
posted by dave at 4:30 PM in category ramblings

The way I see it, there are two times when I absolutely should not be writing here. One of those times is when I'm sad.

I know, I write when I'm sad all the time. It's par for my particular course, I guess. But the deep sadness that I sometimes feel, I don't write during those times. I'm too busy trying to breathe and keep my heart beating. So you guys are spared the really depressing stuff. You're welcome.

The second time when I shouldn't be writing anything is when I'm pissed.

Like right now.

There are so many things that I want to say. So many accusations that I want to level. So much pressure that I want to vent. So much truth that I want to fucking scream.

But, I shouldn't be writing when I'm pissed, so I won't. You're welcome.

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